For Eleventh Straight Year, Relay for Life Fails to End Death

April 12th 2018| By J.E.Ditor

Last weekend, the eleventh Relay for Life was held at Rockettopia Institute of Technology. Sadly, once again, the motion of the walkers around the relay track failed to grant Eternal Life. Dozens of teams consisting of hundreds of students participated in the relay and collectively raised tens of thousands of dollars for mysterious occult societies seeking to banish the spectre of death, but the various groups of cloaked and hooded figures report from their multi-million dollar mansions that their chants and blood sacrifices have yet to defeat the Grim Reaper. Similarly, the flasks of glowing chemicals that were held aloft by the participants of the relay did not scare away death.

The organizers of the Relay, five shadowy figures speaking in unison, told News from Rockettopia that they are "disappointed" in the failure to attain immortality but they plan to try again next year.


RIT Clarifies Legality of Flamethrowers on Campus: "Of Course Not, You Fucking Idiots"

January 28th 2018| By J.E.Ditor

In response to the release of Elon Musk's $500 Boring Company Flamethrower, Rockettopia Institute of Technology President Dave released a statement on the legality of flamethrowers on campus reading "Of course not, you fucking idiots. Jesus christ, do I really need to clarify this shit? No. You. Cannot. Have. A. Fucking. Flamethrower. On. Campus."

As a tech school dominanted by nerds with high Intelligence and low Wisdom, RIT has a history of... unusual incidens involving objects so bizarre that no one had even thought to ban them. It's been nearly half a decade and we still don't know where that nuke came from or how he got it onto campus. The space laser from two years ago is still in orbit with no controls, and more concerningly, the drivers haven't been updated to take into account recently-discovered security flaws. And while the ADA forbids RIT from banning prosthetic arms, the administation has cracked down on prostheses containing sound cannons or molecular disruptors.


Trump Calls for Drastic Measures after Terrorist Attack at Reichstag

October 31st 2017| By J.E.Ditor

President(?) Donald Trump took to twitter today to call for drastic measures following a tragic terrorist attack at the Reichstag in Manhattan today. According to reports, a man drove a pickup truck onto a bike lane and into the Reichstag late this afternoon. The man, an Uzbek immigrant named Sayfullo Saipov, then exited the truck and was shot by police, and is now in custody.

Shortly after the attack, the President took to Twitter to comment on the attack, tweeting, "In NYC, looks like another attack by a very sick and deranged person. Law enforcement is following this closely. NOT IN THE U.S.A.!"

A few minutes later, the President tweeted, "So tragic what happened to our beautiful Reichstag! Drastic measures needed to prevent future attacks, but Dems oppose! Sad!" Although he did not elaborate on what "drastic measures" would be needed to prevent future Reichstag-style attacks, many have speculated that the President might push for another Muslim ban, attempt to ban camels, build a wall along the border with Uzbekistan, or indiscriminately jail his critics.

In an emergency press conference, White House Press Spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders declined to comment or elaborate on the President's remarks except to say "The president meant what he said". Sanders also said that it was the belief of the Trump administration that the attack on the Reichstag was part of a massive and dangerous conspiracy by ISIS to take over America, and that actions would be taken in the coming days to thwart the plot, although she again refused to clarify what actions. The press conference concluded with Sanders brining on White House Chief of Staff John Kelly to explain that ISIS would have been defeated a long time ago if we still had good, pure-hearted, virtuous generals like Robert E. Lee and Erwin Rommel.


After Engineering Building Fire, Students Told to Test 'Arson-Bot' Somewhere Else

September 29th 2017| By J.E.Ditor

Following a fire in the Engineering Building yesterday, newly-inagurated Rockettopia Institute of Technology president Dave officially requested that engineering students test their 'Arson-bot' prototype "somewhere else, please, anywhere else". The fire, which was not serious but did necessitate the evacuation of the Engineering Building for much of Thrusday afternoon, was attributed to an 'accident' in one of the enginnering labs - thankfully, not the one filled with dry hay, enormous amounts of paper, rusty drums of gasoline, various spare fireworks, jet fuel, and war surplus munitions.

In light of this close call, president Dave officially requested that enginnering students relocate the tests of their current flagship project, the 'arson-bot'. "Please, for the love of God, take it somewhere else," Dave said in his request. "Do the tests somewhere that doesn't matter, like one of the many abandoned buildings in the city. Or the Liberal Arts building. Please, just keep it away from the important stuff." This request echoes a similar request from the previous president that the College of Science students store their brain-eating amoeba samples somewhere other than the on-campus daycare center.

At the conclusion of his statement, Dave was heard to quietly mutter "What is this place? Does this kind of shit happen all the time here?"

Tests of the Enginnering Department's other main project, the 'Rusty Nails And Broken Glass Bot' is scheduled for next week in the zepplin research lab.


Ted Cruz Secretly Just Relieved that World Didn't See his Favorite Porn

September 12th 2017| By J.E.Ditor

Following his accidental 'like' of a pornographic video on 9/11, Texas Senator and Four-time "Lizard Person with the Worst Disguise" nominee Ted Cruz privately expressed to the people he believes to be what you humans call 'friends' that he is "Actually kinda relieved that they didn't see any of my favorites." Cruz went on to express that while he would prefer that the American Public at large didn't know about his porn habit, "if they had to know, at least they didn't see my love of transvestite stuff. Or the stuff with all the human skin. Or the stuff with the blood and the koala suits. Or the naughty parts of the bible - y'guys know, the ones with the incest and genocide?"

"I'm glad no one knows about that stuff," Cruz added. "Right fellas?"


Non-Union Moveout Day Worker found with Broken Legs after 'Falling Down Stairs'

May 19th 2017| By J.E.Ditor

A bruised and bloodied non-union RIT moveout day worker was found unconcious and with both legs broken after what he insists was atumble down a flight of stairs. Tom Johnston, a sophomore computer engineering major at Rockettopia Institute of Technology, was gound with bruises all over his body, his right femur fractured in two places, his left fibia also fractured in two places, and his left tibia fractured in three. Johnston, who only hours earler had been standing in the Watson Hall lobby offering his help as a free-lance paid moving assistant, insists that he just fell down a flight of stairs.

"It was just an accident," Johnston told News from Rockettopia. "I wasn't looking where I was going, and I tripped over someon- sorry I mean something, and fell down a flight of stairs.I guess that's what I get for thinking that I could work as a moveout day helper without joining the Union."

When asked how his accident related to his refusal to join the Moving Laborers' Union, Johnston told us that "it must've been karma or something. This is what I get- er, deserve for trying to undercut union workers by working for below standard wages." Johnston also reminded us that "Snitches get even more stitches."

When reached for comment, the Moving Laborers' Union told News from Rockettopia that they were "sorry to hear about what happened to the rat that nice young man" and prayed for his speedy recovery.


Merkel Snaps Halfway Through Conference with Trump, "Okay, ha-ha, where's the real president?"

March 17th 2017| By J.E.Ditor

Halfway through her first meeting with Donald Trump today, German chancellor and de facto leader of the free world Angela Merkel turned to Reince Priebus and said, "Okay, ha-ha, where's the real president?" According to reporters, Priebus hesitated for a moment before responding, "Madame chancellor, he's sitting right there next to you"

"No, that's a model of a clown made by a capuchin monkey using paper mache and orange peels. It's not moving, and the sounds that it makes don't even sound human. This whole 'Trump' /thing has been hilarious, but it's been fifty days. Bring out President Clinton or President Bush or President Cruz or whoever."

According to witnesses, Priebus and Merkel were both silent for a few minutes, before Priebus nodded slightly and Merkel shouted at the top of her lungs "You gotta be fucking kidding me!"


Steve Bannon Definately Not Forming Private Milita, Spicer tells Press

February 7th 2017| By J.E.Ditor

Speaking at a press conference today, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer firmly and unoquivically denied that Chief Strategist Steve Bannon is forming a private milita to do his will. "The Chief Strategist has no personal army in training. There is no such thing," Spicer told the assembled reporters while eating a stick of gum. "Bannon does not have some kind of personal gaurd practicing walking like a certain kind of waterfowl. There are not, at this very moment, trying on their new reddish-greenish upper-body-wear." Spicer paused to swallow his gum and pop another stick into his mouth. "So, to reiterate, Bannon has no private security force of young, angry men loyal to him personally. You can stop asking now!"

Spicer then concluded the conferance without taking questions.


Some Messages from Rockettopia Institute of Technology

January 28th 2017| By J.E.Ditor

The following is an official announcement from the administration of Rockettopia Institute of Technology:

It's been a week since the start of spring semester classes, and we feel that some reminders are in order. We know that most students and faculty will already know most of this, but it's always important to remember and clarify various college rules and policy.

First and foremost, Sigma Alpha Epsilon still has ninety-seven years left on the campus ban that was put in place following the Incident three years ago. Any SAE member found on campus will be arrested by CPS, and any student who knowingly brings or allows an SAE member onto campus will find themself in a disciplinary hearing. In a related reminder, students and faculty are forbidden from entering the enormous dome that covers the site of the old SAE House.

Use of the particle accelerator as a room for sex is strictly forbidden between the hours of 8:00 PM and 6:00 AM, as well as during operating hours.

The food at Gloria's is the best you're going to fucking get, so just fucking deal with it, okay? We're not a fucking restaurant.

Students - especially but not exclusively the engineering students - and are reminded that the use of Institute resources to construct giant death robots or doomsday weapons constitutes a misuse of resources and can result in academic suspension. Any students wishing to construct such things must do so on their own time with their own resources, or officially apply for a grant for a research project.

Under no circumstances is the biology lab to be used for growing magic mushrooms. We are aware that the First Wiccan Temple of Rockettopia pays very well for all magic items, but using Institute property for supernatural activities is against Institute policy and will result in a disciplinary hearing. In related news, the project to grow mind-control mushrooms is coming along quite well.

Students and faculty are strongly discouraged from entering the swamps around campus. Not because there are any escaped lab specimens living in the swamps or anything like that, though. Nope. As our lawyers will tell you, there is no proof of escaped lab specimens occasionally devouring students who enter the swamp after dark. Still, management strongly advises that students avoid the swamp.

Finally, it is our pleasure to introduce our new president, Dave! Dave is a veteran education administrator with a history of encouraging diversity and expanding engineering programs. He is eight feet tall, a three-time grammy-nominated rapper, and periodically cosplays as Obi-Wan Kenobi. Dave will become president of RIT in June, after the current president steps down. We invite you all to wish Dave the best!

4π will rise


Mexico to Build Wall, Make America Pay

January 6th 2017| By J.E.Ditor

Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto announced in a press conferance today that, just as planned, his administration would build a wall along the American border and make America pay for it. "Ever since the Gringo with the orange skin and strange hair emerged, my administration has promised that we will build a Great Wall along the American border.", Peña Nieto told the reporters in attendance. "Today, the American president-elect, Mr..." - Peña Nieto glanced down at a slip of paper before continuing - "Fuckface tinyhands garbagefire von Clownstick Pussygrabber Drumpf called to update me on the progress of the Wall. He told me that he agreed, America would pay for the wall." There were audible cheers from the assembled crowd.

"He called me, and he told me that America would pay to construct the wall along the U.S.-Mexico Border. I was very greatful, although we weren't giving him a choice. If he did not pay for our wall, we were going to stop making his clothing line. But still, very polite. He also said something about "reimbursement", and what sounded like 'We're going to win bigly. It'll be yuuuge, trememndous, believe me'. I am rather baffled by that, but I am still very glad that Mr. Pussygrabber has come around and will pay for our wall." Peña Nieto was then met with more applause.

"Now, more than ever, the wall will be nessecary to keep out the Americans coming into our country illegally. They're bringing fast food, they're bringing assault rifles, they're alt-right... and some, I assume, are good people. But still, it is good that they will pay for our wall."


Rockettopia First Night Ice Sculpture Just Giant Turd

December 31st 2016| By J.E.Ditor

According to the Rockettopia First Night Board at the town common, this year's Rockettopia First Night ice sculpture has been designed to resemble human feces. The town sculpture - an annual First Night tradition - traditionally represents the overall year. For example, in 2015 the ice sculpture was a deflated football, in 2014 the sculpture was a double feature of an ISIS fighter and a missing malaysian airliner. In 2013, the ice sculpture was originally going to be an exploding pressure cooker, but was changed to Edward Snowden (pardon the pun) after that was determined to be "in terrible taste". In 2012, the ice sculpture was a deflated Mitt Romney.

So, after fully considering what the year 2016 was and represents, and after subsequently spending two days in the mental health ward of the Mary Mallon Hospital, the members of the ice sculpture committee settled on modeling the sculpture off a literal piece of shit. "We considered Donald Trump, obviously, but then we thought about all the other things that happened this year., a committee member told News from Rockettopia. "The Flint Water Crisis, David Bowie, Brussels, Orlando, Alton Sterling, Brexit, Emails, Russian Hacks... And Harambe. Jesus christ, Harambe. It was a shitshow. At first, we considered making the sculpture a dumpster fire, but our sculptor told us he wasn't confident that he could make the flames look right. So we went with an enormous steaming pile of human shit. So we still kinda ended up doing Trump."

Reactions to the sculpture have been mixed. Some residents appriciate the artist's perfect capture of the essence of the year we're leaving behind. Others said that it was 'inappropriate' and 'offensive', and pointed out that it might traumatize children under the age of fifteen who don't know what poop is. However, most people we spoke to appriciated the outside-the-box idea. "It represents the point to which the whole world has been moving this year", one man with a handlebar mustache and a hat told us. "It's a beautiful postmodern satire of our cynical culture of pessimism and effectively deconstructs society's idea of the human spirit. Fascinating!"

We here at News from Rockettopia would like to officially state that we approve of the 2016 sculpture, and we sincerely hope we're still around to see the 2017 sculpture.


Audacity College Changes Name, Size, Focus, All Defining Attributes

December 21st 2016| By J.E.Ditor

In a surprise press conference today, Audacity College president John McDonald announced that the college would be undergoing some changes over winter break. "First of all, we're changing our name to 'Rockettopia Institute of Technology', the president told the a crowd of rather baffled reporters. "Also, we're increasing our student body size by a factor of ten, from 1,500 to 15,000. However, this isn't just transfers and new admissions; most of these new students will have already been here for a while. As long as you don't think about it, it works." The president went on to say that Audacity College RIT will be changing its focus from buisness, communication, and game studies to science, technology, and engineering, which will involve starting dozens of new classes that have been taught for years and hiring hundreds of new professors who already boast decades of experiance at RIT. The president concluded by announcing that he was changing his name to Will Dalton for no well-defined reason, and promising to continue the devotion to intelligence and quality that had defined Audacity College. Reporters responded by asking what he meant by "Audacity College".


Paul Ryan Responds to Trump Comments: "Everything's Going to be Fine, Reince. Step Away from the Edge"

August 8th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

Earlier today, in some remarks regarding the actual, honest-to-god remarks made by Donald Trump suggesting that his rival Hillary Clinton should be assasinated House Speaker Paul Ryan told witnesses, "Everything's going to be fine, Reince. Step away from the edge." Ryan continued, speaking from the roof of the Republican National Headquarters in Washington DC, "I know that right now it seems hard, but things will get better! Just trust me, take a few steps away from the edge, and we can go work this all out."

"Look, Chairman Priebus, this has been hard on everyone. And I know that because a lot of people thought it was your job to deal with Tru-... the problem, they blame you. But they're wrong; it's not your fault. There's nothing you could have done. Now if you just agree not to do anything permenant, we can go downstairs and discuss this over ice cream."

In response to a comment from a bystander stating that the situation was "Unsalvagable", "the end of the party", and "I can't live with this anymore!", Ryan stated that he felt the same way sometimes, and that just the other night while he was polishing his guns, he had thought about putting one in his mouth and ending it all, but he had kept going because the fight is not yet over. "Now if you'll take the gun away from your head, we can sort this all out... Yes, Reince, I know that guns don't kill people, but that doesn't mean you should point them at yourself. How about we call Phil Robertson? He always makes you feel better!"

Following another bystander comment, Ryan stated "I know it's hard. I know that the pain feels like it will never end. But it will! This too shall pass. Think about your favorite person in the world. Yes, him! What would John Galt do in a situation like this? When the government tried to impose unjust restrictions on the makers of the world, and to stop him from completing his plan, did he give up? No, John Galt kept going, and he didn't let politicians or academics or laws or basic human morality stop him! You have to be like that! Things will get better, just step away from the edge, and trust your friend Paul."

As of press time, Ryan was making promises that they would go together to see a friend and sort this whole thing out.


During Acceptance Speech, Trump Reveals True Form to Delegates

July 21st 2016| By J.E.Ditor

During his acceptance speech last night, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump - a phrase that none of us seriously thought we'd ever have to write - briefly revealed his secret True Form to the GOP convention attendees. Trump began his speech by thanking the delegates - or "You poor, poor mortal lambs", as he put it - for giving him the nomination. "I said in a CNN town hall that as president, 'I will be so presidential you won’t believe it'.", Trump told the RNC. "That debate, by the way, got huge ratings because of me. Tremendous ratings. Ted Turner called me afterwards and said 'Thank you for the ratings, Donald'. He won't say so in public, but he did, believe me, he said it. I get the best ratings and everybody knows it. And even when I'm serious and presidential, I'll still get the best ratings. And I'll be so good at being president, you won't believe it. Like this."

Trump was then surrounded by a cloud of glowing midnight-black smoke and what looked like a swarm of locusts that materialized from the convention stage. As the sound of a thousand voices chanting in a language older than time reverberated across the Quicken Loans Arena, every crucifix in the room shattered into thousands of tiny pieces. And given that this was the Republican National Convention, that was a lot of crosses. Labels reading "Trump" in gold sharpie appeared randomly on objects around the room, seemingly seared on by a tremendous heat. Then, without warning, the turbulent vortex surrounding Mr. Trump dispersed, swirling outward through the convention-goers and forcing them to cover their eyes. When they looked back, they beheld Trump's True Form.

Two of Trump's assistants then dragged a bound, gagged, and naked Clinton staffer onto the stage and quickly scurried back. "Not great, she's only an eight, tops", Mr. Trump said in a voice like a volcano with a head cold, "but she'll do." Trump then began wrapping his hundreds of arms around the struggling Clinton campaigner until she was completely obscured by the nominee's writhing, leathery, tangerine-colored tentacles. For a moment, the reality show star turned politician's eyes glowed like blindingly shiny gold, before he released the lifeless, emaciated remains of his victim. "Tonight", Trump concluded by telling the awed delegation, "You have received a glimpse of what I will do to America!"

Unfortunately, there is no footage of Trump's True Form, as all film exposed to it turned into frivolous court summons while the digital cameras recording Trump's speech just spit out text files containing only the words "Make America Great Again", written over and over.

When asked if seeing Trump's true form had changed his mind about supporting the nominee, soon-to-be former House speaker Paul Ryan reiterated his stance that Hillary Clinton must be defeated at all costs. "Even if the streets must run red with blood and tanning spray. AT ALL COSTS!"


Britain Leads America; "We Can Make Astonishingly Stupid Decisions Too!"

June 24th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

As America has barreled headlong into the most bizarre election in history - with two unlikable candidates, one of whom is... this... - the people of the U.K took yesterday's 'Brexit' referendum as a chance to show that they too can make mindblowingly stupid decisions that fly in the face of logic. Britain, which narrowly voted to leave the EU, a move which - despite all common decency - the media insists on referring to as 'Brexit'. 'Brexit' is a portmanteau of 'Britain', referring to the U.K., and 'Exit', referring to the act of drunkenly running away screaming obscenities. Obviously, a better and more accurate term would have been a portmanteau of 'UK' and 'skedaddle'. But despite the best efforts of Wolf Blitzer, the term 'Ukedaddle' never really caught on, perhaps because it sounds less like a global financial catastrophe and more like a rooster playing country music. Which, we suppose, might actually be a substantially worse experience for those unfortunate enough to be nearby.

But despite the massive potential economic and political fallout, 51% of Brits voted yesterday for Brexit (Ukedaddle?). But this was more than simply a display of thickheaded nationalism and xenophobia in the face of facts and reason - it was an attempt to show the world that the United States of America does not have a monopoly on making fantastically stupid decisions. "By nominating a racist mountebank reality show clown for their nation's highest office, those Yanks have really set a high bar for badly-informed and worse-thought-out decisions", a member of UKIP told News from Rockettopia. "But today we showed those buggers that they still have a lot to learn from old England! Now excuse me, dear chap, I've to go celebrate by snorting tea off the Union Jack!" While our... enthusiastic friend's use of the term 'England' instead of 'Britain' or 'The U.K' may seem incorrect (And we may seem very pedantic for saying so), it's actually correct, as Scotland overwhelmingly voted to stay in the EU, with Northern Ireland concurring by a smaller margin. The eventual nationwide vote to leave led many Scots to respond, "Vote to leave a union? Stoatn' idea, laddie!". If you have any idea what this means, please get in touch.

To make matters even worse for defenders of American exceptionalism when it comes to poor decision-making, after the resignation of British P.M. David Cameron, the new leader of the U.K. could be former London mayor Boris Johnson, a man who imitates Donald Trump from racism and xenophobia to even the 'hair'style.

But unless America actually elects Donald J. Trump president - which for some crazy fucking reason is apparently a legitimate possibility and no longer just the world's most disappointing acid trip - the U.K. appears to pulled ahead when it comes to the voters making terrible, terrible decisions.

And then there's The Philippines...


Judge: "Let's Just Fucking Call It - Rich White People are Above the Law

June 6th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

In light of the contravener surrounding the short sentance of Stanford University swimmer and rapist Brock Turner, the case judge Aaron Persky replied with his thoughts on the case. What follows is his open letter:

"On June 3rd, 2016, I sentanced convicted rapist and privlaged white male Brock Turner to six months in county jail. My arguement, which I made in my official opinion and will restate here, was that anything more than a slap on the wrist would have 'have a severe impact on him'. Some people since then have pointed out that - and here I'm paraphrasing - 'That's the fucking point'. But in saying this, they miss the overall point of my sentance. Brock Turner raped an unconcious woman in the belief that he - as a wealthy privlaged white male star athelete attending a prestigious university - would be effectively immune to any sort of consequences for his actions. A sentance longer than the token six months I gave him would have proven him wrong when, in fact, he was completely correct in his assumptions. Let's just fucking call it - rich white people are above the law.
"Honestly, this should have been obvious after Ethan Couch. For those who don't remember, Ethan Couch was the rich white kid who got drunk and, while using a suspended license and going nearly twice the speed limit, killed four people. His rich parents hired a psychologist who testified that Couch believed that his wealth made him above the law, and who are we to tell him otherwise? Turns out that, just like Brock Turner, Couch was right - he got off with a few months in rehab and an order to stay away from alcohol. Then he was caught on video playing beer pong, fled to Mexico, was extridited back, and after all that still only got two years for killing four people. Still, after all that - I'd like to see a black person from the 'hood kill four people and pull that off!
"So my point is, I had to give Brock Turner a short sentance. To do otherwise would have sent Americans the irresponsible message that rich white men have to follow laws too. And that's clearly no longer the case."