37 million completely freaked out following a massive spill of karma from the dating site AshleyMadison. AshleyMadison, a dating site specifically targeted at married people looking to have an affair, suffered a massive security breach yesterday in which hackers styling themselves "The Impact Team" stole the names, credit cards, and personal information of the site's 37 million members, thereby unleashing the greatest spill of karma in recent memory. The Impact Team announced the hack with the following spectacular image.
"The last time we saw this kind of a massive karmasheheda, or universal release of karma, was when an Iraqi suicide bombing instructor accidentally blew up his entire class of ISIS terrorists-in-training," Swami Gustapa Malahari, a white woman in her 30s at the Inner Peace Yoga Studio in Rockettopia, told News from Rockettopia. "It's kind of spectacular. Truly the gods have smiled upon us." (Note: In our research, we were unable to determine actual the meaning of the word "karmasheheda", or find any references to it at all.) Even noted monster Noel Biderman, the CEO of AshleyMadison, told News from Rockettopia that he couldn't help feeling slightly "entertained" and "satisfied" by the hack. "I mean, it's a disaster for us, but I must admit to a bit of schadenfreude at watching these people get it. I know my business model explicitly facilitates the destruction of marriages, but let's face it, my clients are terrible people.". "This is all off the record," Biderman added. "Right?"
Despite Biderman's stance, this is shaping up to be the worst disaster in AshleyMadison's history, beating out their failed bumper sticker campaign two years ago.
I enjoy making these so much
Many notables have been observed acting strangely since the AshleyMadison leak. Bill Clinton has taken Hillary out on four dates, which is four more than in all of last year. Anthony Weiner is reportedly hiding in a wardrobe and refusing to come out. Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are both being very nice to each other, and Newt Gingrich told the press that his stance on family values was "Open to change.". When Donald Trump found out about the leak, a worried expression reportedly crossed his face, before he said to himself "Eh, whatever." and moved on with being a dick to veterans.