Ambassador Lands on Pitcairn Islands

June 19th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

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2018

April For Eleventh Straight Year, Relay for Life Fails to End Death
January RIT Clarifies Legality of Flamethrowers on Campus: "Of Course Not, You Fucking Idiots"

2017

October Trump Calls for Drastic Measures after Terrorist Attack at Reichstag
September After Engineering Building Fire, Students Told to Test 'Arson-Bot' Somewhere Else Ted Cruz Secretly Just Relieved that World Didn't See his Favorite Porn
May Non-Union Moveout Day Worker found with Broken Legs after 'Falling Down Stairs'
March Merkel Snaps Halfway Through Conference with Trump, "Okay, ha-ha, where's the real president?"
February Steve Bannon Definately Not Forming Private Milita, Spicer tells Press
January Some Messages from Rockettopia Institute of Technology Mexico to Build Wall, Make America Pay

2016

December Rockettopia First Night Ice Sculpture Just Giant Turd Audacity College Changes Name, Size, Focus, All Defining Attributes
August Paul Ryan Responds to Trump Comments: "Everything's Going to be Fine, Reince. Step Away from the Edge"
July During Acceptance Speech, Trump Reveals True Form to Delegates
June Britain Leads America; "We Can Make Astonishingly Stupid Decisions Too!" Judge: "Let's Just Fucking Call It - Rich White People are Above the Law
May Daenerys Targaryen Announces Plans to Conquer World by Walking Out of Fires New RAs Inducted in Ancient Ceremony State of Indiana Wakes Up Morning After; Realizes with Horror What they Did Yesterday Trump Plans to Crush Opposition in Indiana Roose Bolton, Balon Greyjoy Dead of Fatal Convieniance Deficience
April Alistar Thorne Releases Statement: "Snow Never Told Me Not to Stab Him" FEMA Dowses Rockettopia with Water after Plumes of Smoke Seen Rising from City Snipers Patrol Audacity College to Ensure Students Stay In Line for Accepted Students Day Sean Penn to Interview Hero of Upcoming Film Review: The Brothers Grimm Spectactulathon Autism Speaks Changes Name to Autism Parents Yell
March Audacity College Student Gov't Election Results Rockettopia on Lockdown after Peeps Escape U of R Lab EXCLUSIVE: Cruz Love Letters Found; Written in Strange Cipher Tabloid Alleges that Five Women Willing to Bang Ted Cruz Trump Excited about New Tragedy to Exploit On St. Patrick's Day, Americans Celebrate Irish Contributions and Culture- No, Just Kidding, It's Booze With New ALICE Protocol, RHS Prepares for Inevitable School Shooting Rubio Undergoes Ritual Purification in Preparation for Florida Primary Rubio Campaign Digs in for Final Stand in Florida Reince Priebus Seen Meeting with Shady Figures in Dark Alley
February Americans Enjoy Last Day of Imagining Trump Not GOP Nominee Manaical Laughter, Boasts Heard Eminating from Storm-Shrouded Trump Tower Jeb Bush Checks Facebook to Find Worried Messages from Friends, Family Shepard Smith Stuck in Iowa Caucuses Time Loop Until He Experiences Epiphany 'Bernie Bros' Already Composing Tirade About 'Rigged Election' for Reddit in case of Clinton Win
January Sticky Note Situation Ends with Stunning Events With One Week Until Iowa Caucus, Residents Advised to Stay Indoors, Bar Windows Strange Sticky-Note Presence Grows around Audacity College In Wake of Celebrity Deaths, New Scientific Study Concludes All Humans Slowly Dying STDs 'Really Excited' for Resumption of College Life Trump Rally Attended by Psychologists Attempting to Study the Mentally Deranged

2015

November Audacity College White Student Union Opens, Impressively Boasts Zero Swastikas Following Paris Attacks, Nation's Lawmakers Suggest Policies Modelled off Japanese Internment, Nuremburg Laws Yale Faculty Contravercially Refuse To Tell Students What To Do American Public Torn Between Hatred of Rape, Kesha
October Rockettopia Makes Frantic Final Halloween Preparations Nation Startled that Democrats Taking Election Seriously PAUSE Club Controversially Questions Holiday Honoring Mass Murderer Following Air Strike on Hospital, DoD asks "Why Do People Care Now"
September Wiccan Temple of Rockettopia Definitely Not Connected to Strange Noises; Screams During Eclipse For Lunar Eclipse, U of R Students Point Telescopes Skyward For Once Campus Eerily Quiet as Students Hide from Parents CPS Sweeps Bankus Hall for Drugs; "This is totally going to work" says Chief Uneventful Wednesday a Welcome Relief During Spirit Week Amid Controversy, Pres. McDonald Cancels "Politically Incorrect" Disney Caricature Event Audacity College Survives First Day of Spirit Week Jensen Closes Borders as Bankus Refugee Crisis Worsens Local Trees Kinda Freaked Out by Sudden Interest from University of Rockettopia Students
August Relations Between Miley Cyrus, Nicki Minaj Tense Following VMA Incident Audacity College Establishes Review Board to Clarify Extension Cord Policies Teenage Boy Goes Away to College, Donates Large Collection of Rocks to Day-Care Center After Trump Announces Immigration Plan, RNC Chair Reince Priebus Announces Plan to Drink Heavily America Outraged Over Senseless Murders of Predatory Cat, Inanimate Object
July Nation Wishes It Could Just Have A Few Weeks Between Mass Shootings 37 Million Assholes Freak Out After Massive Karma Spill Museum of Assholery Announces New "Donald J. Trump Hall" Seaworld Closes after Harry Styles Delivers Smackdown News from Rockettopia Show: July 8th 2015 News from Rockettopia Show: July 2nd 2015
June Another Fucking Guy Enters Presidential Race News from Rockettopia Show: June 16th 2015 Donald Trump Announces Presidential Run, Promises To "Make this thing more entertaining" Rockettopia Shut Down for 18 Hours after Shrubbery Mistaken for Escaped Fugitives Slavonistan to Dedicate Troops to War on ISIS
May Gamers Disappointed to Learn that Assassin's Creed Skill Does Not Translate to Assassins Skill Principal Resigns amid Presumable Controversy Tennessee Students Demand Food Less Than Two Years Old; Still Reject Rockettopia Donation of KFC
April After April Break, RHS Seniors Brace For Final Stretch of Slacking Off Blogger and Spambot Conversation Transcript - Yes, it is Just as Boring as it Sounds Senior Class Instructed to Stop Doing Drugs; "We're Serious This Time", says Administration
March Our Mr. Rockettopia Predictions
February Sectarian Violence Erupts Over Color of Dress New Marijuana Findings Spur Lack of Change in Drug Policy New Movie Fifty Shades of Grey Presents Hope for Acceptance of Abusive Relationships With Climate Change Looming, Nature Stages One Final Ice Age Re-Enactment
January Athletes and Coaches Rush to Condemn DeflateGate - 'Cheating in Sports Should Be Accomplished Only with Drugs' RHS Celebrates MLK Day & Cultural Proficiency with African-American-Themed Day Chorus Involved in Occult Activities Bizarre Error Message Most Interesting Part of RHSN Newscast School Board Considers Cutting Funding for Music Department Buzzing Sound 2014 Year in Review

2014

December The 2014 Pep Rally: What Went Wrong and Why School Administration Slams Winterfest for 'Misogyny', 'Lack of Cultural Proficiency'
November Ebola Stokes Fear in Vampire Community
October Vacationers Canceling Trips to Alaska to Avoid Mexican Drug War Shepard Smith fired from Fox News for Journalistic Integrity
September Instead of Building Suspense, Blogger Just Being Annoying
August Obama: United States Cannot Bring Peace to United States Tragic Case of Military Brutality Sparks Anger, Controversy Rich White Men Defend Right to Work Blacks Without Pay European Space Agency Defends Harpooning of Comet by Claiming "Scientific Research"
June Study: Parody of Transformers Films Indistinguishable from Originals Animals Without Complex Nervous Systems Such as Flatworms, Ann Coulter Still Capable of Basic Learning Man Stuck In Giant Vagina Sculpture Plans to Continue Search for Most Embarrassing Accident
May Citizens March To No Practical Purpose in Carefully Choreographed Drill Mass Shooting Gets Little Coverage Lawsuit-Embroiled Weird Shoe Company Defends Itself; "Our Shoes Protect Against STDs"
April Donetsk, Ukraine Observes Passover By Re-Enacting Antisemitism AGSA Should Not Have Kept Quiet About Day of Silence Ryan Proposes New Budget; Likely More Campaign Tool Than Legislation
March RHS Addiction Task Force Going After 2048 School Musical Message: Repression is For Your Own Good RHSN Screws Up School Musical Information, Still Better than CNN Twitter Pre-emptively Complaining About Oscar Picks
February Mysterious Posters Confound School Officials BREAKING: Snow Predicted to End by 2017
January School Staff Somehow Manages To Screw Up Propaganda Posters New Kickstarter Raising Money for Hit Job on Geico Marketers

2013

December Facebook Continues Campaign to Become Abandoned and Obsolete Study Shows 2013 Not Over Yet
November Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is Not A Real Person, Says Study
October BOSTON RED SOX WIN WORLD SERIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sexy Halloween Costumes RHS Religious Club Holds Pre-Halloween Seminar on Demonic Possession Congress Now Wishing it was as Popular as Iran Shutdown Beginning to Impact Congress' Ability to Do Nothing
September Rockettopia High School RADD Club: An Overview Pirate Flag Over RHS Misunderstood by Everyone Violent War Erupts in Cafeteria Over Seats
August Discovery Channel Employee Leaks Shark Week Conclusion
July A Month After End Of School, Students Already Bored Out Of Their Minds
June Ambassador Lands on Pitcairn Islands Performance of Inherit The Wind Interrupted by Ape Offended By The Idea That They Are Descended From Creationists Poll Shows That Among RHS Students, 0% Care About Student Government NSA Now Giving Dating Advice Poll Finds that Among People Who Dislike Two Steps from Hell, 0% Have Ever Heard A Two Steps from Hell Song Rockettopian Appointed American Ambassador to Pitcairn Islands
May A Modest Proposal: Improving RHS One Step At A Time Step 1 of 100257279129404975... Poll Shows No One Likes Westboro Baptist Church Goats Outraged Over Mountain Dew Commercial
April Poll Finds 50% of Rockettopia High School Teachers Cannot Tell the Difference between Twitter and Angry Birds Movie Director Severely Wounded after Turkey Attack Earth Day Issue: Earth Complains about Week-late Birthday Parties, Green Team Hosts Cleanup, and SSE Hosts Coal-burning Protest Solidarity Police Sting Fails when Drug Sniffing Dogs Confused with Drug Snorting Dogs Paranoia Club Insists Angry Birds is a Terrorist Front Students Request Drug Sniffing Dogs for Rockettopia High Wellness Class Test Determines Which Form of Delusional Ignorance You Have Today, We Salute Others
March Pope Francis Endorsed by Jesus In Concolatory Match, Knowing Stuff Team is Soundly Defeated by Trained Snails New Marijuana Dowsing Rod Fails MCAS Rescheduled for Next Monday; Hundreds of Students Disappointed to Find they Played Sick for Nothing Les Miserables Prostitutes "Overdressed" Say RHS Theatergoers Poll finds that 60% of RHS Students Believe that "Take Back the Night" club is About Controlling Raccoons "Art in Bloom" turns bad when Ecology Club Involved
February In Another Horrifying Bloodbath, Orch Dorks Meet Orc Dorks 'Downton Abbey: Season 4' to feature alarmingly high body count RSHN Anchor Falls Asleep During Broadcast Detective Club 'Confused' by Mysterious Posters Instead of Kim Kardashian, RHS Pop Culture Club Accidentally Books Kim Jong-Un for Seminar; Surprised to get Someone so Intelligent and Popular
January Locker Fire Caused By Joint thrown by Unaccounted-for Pocketknife-carrying Student into Unused Locker filled with Inappropriate Clothing Goth vs. Goth Prank Goes Horribly Awry Lance Armstrong Apologizes for Doping; "I would never have done it if I had known I would be caught" Baboons Object to Being Compared to Congress Representative Bill Stoner: "I will vote to confirm Chuck Yeager only if Obama Admits he was Born in Lasagna" Speaker Boehner to Senator Reid: "Go f**k yourself". We're Serious. Philosophy Club: 'Don't Say That 2013 Couldn't Be As Weird As 2012'

2012

December Americans Reporting Physical Revulsion to the Phrase "Fiscal Cliff" Wicca Club: Our activities on the Solstice definitely had nothing to do with Summoning Demons CNN Special Report: Ohio Dog Behaving Oddly The Mayan Apocalypse PROPERLY Explained The Mayan Apocalypse Explained What to Expect in the Next Four Days NRA: Democrats "Might use this as an excuse to save our children" North Korea Launches Satellites, Newscasters Declare: "This means ANYTHING is possible" Psy Apologises for 2004 Song Praising the Killing of US Troops: "I never thought anyone would ever know or care" Obama says America 'Might Leave Afghanistan Someday' Rockettopia to Send Washington D.C. Emergency Shipment of Preschool Teachers
November Special Report from the Korean Central News Agency "Breaking Dawn: Part 2" represents "Monumental Breakthrough" in Enhanced Interrogation Techniques
March Kim Kardashian Responds to 'Idiot' Remark in a Monosyllabic Rant Quarterback Kidnapped by Robot Helicopter
February New Discoveries Suggest Little Change in Valentines Day Traditions New England Refuses to Accept that Patriots Sucked
January Supply Side Economics Club Calls Obama Mars Conspiracy a Liberal Conspiracy Joe Paterno Dies, People Immedietly Forget What an Asshole He Was Students Suffer Fatal Heart Attacks After Teacher Asks if 'T-bow' is a World of Warcraft Weapon

2011

December Merry Christmas! Sponsored by We Are Toys New Religious Clubs introduced to Rockettopia High Principal Returns from South Pacific Captivity Dressed as Hula Dancer, is Mistaken for Popular Girl
November Thanksgiving Concert Sabotaged D&D Club Least Equipped to Handle Actual Troll Student Sells Soul to Satan for CityCash Sex in Sectionals
October GSA Running Short of New Gay Recruits String-Chorus Feud Turns Nasty