As 'music' star Kesha put forward an impassioned plea to be allowed to record music without here accused-rapist producer Dr. Luke, the American people were torn between their hatred of rape and their hatred of Kesha. This comes after months of public litigation and accusations between Kesha, her producer and noted slimeball Lucasz 'Dr. Luke' Gottwald, and Sony Records, which I am proud to say I had zero knowlege of until ten minutes ago. Since filing a lawsuit in October of last year claiming that Gottwald had repeatedly sexually assaulted her during their ten-year collaberation, and Gottwald's subsequent countersuit alleging defamation, the 'singer' and her producer have been embroiled in legal hell. Over that time, Kesha has been unable to sing, tour, or sell merchandise, which she worries will rehabilitate damage her reputation. In a release two days ago, Kesha(or rather, her lawyers) said that if she could not resume recording soon, her career would be 'effectively over', leading to conflicting emotions among the American public. "On one hand", some random guy on the street told News from Rockettopia, "what has been done to Kesha is awful, and if these allegations are true, she has been horribly mistreated. On the other hand, if this is a chance to prevent Kesha from ever releasing another record, well, as they say, 'Don't look a gift horse in the mouth'."

Other random people on the street had similar internal conflicts over the Kesha-Luke issue. Hating Dr. Luke, we were told, is easy; any english-speaker who spells his name 'Lukasz' and goes by the title 'Dr. Luke' is unbearable just on those grounds alone. However, sympathizing with Kesha is proving to be much more difficult. On one hand, we were told, she claims she experianced ten years of sexual assault. On the other hand, this is the person who shoveled atrocities such as My First Kiss, Dinosaur, and (this is true)Blah Blah Blah onto the world.

Despite this, Kesha continues to talk about how this legal fight could end her career, apparently unaware that this is viewed by the American people not as a potential catastrophe but as a bribe. If Kesha really wanted to get the American public on her side, she could simply arrange for all music stations to play nothing but her music in solidarity. That would resolve her case in only hours.

However, there was nearly-univeral agreement that no matter how aggregious Kesha's crimes, after a few minutes of soul-searching, the American people would stand behind her. There was also a universal agreement that we never, ever, ever want to face this choice with Nikki fucking Minaj.