After the discovery that the New England Patriots deliberately deflated their football so as to gain an advantage, prominent athletes, coaches, sports newscasters, and your cousin rushed to condemn what is now being called "DeflateGate", standing by the axiom that all cheating in professional sports should be conducted with drugs. Barry Bonds, who was indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice relating to his use of performance enhancing drugs in 2007, was one of the first to speak out. He was soon joined by avatars of immorality such as Lance Armstrong and Alex Rodriguez (Dick Cheney being unable to attend), who spoke extensively about the need to ensure that all footballs are properly inflated. "This kind of cheating is not okay", Rodriguez told the Football Herald. "It's dishonorable; not at all like other kinds of cheating such as steroid injections." Ray Lewis, who in 2013 was caught using Deer Antler Spray, a banned performance enhancing drug, told the Herald "The honor of football must be maintained. Tampering with game equipment constitutes a danger to the sport itself. New rules are needed to bring football back to what it should be: A bunch of men in tights, many of them criminals, humping each other and giving each other traumatic brain injuries in a game where feet nearly never touch the ball."

We attempted to contact Lance Armstrong for comments, but he is currently touring his future residence in an unspecified lower circle of hell.