I will be stuck behind the Great Firewall of China for the next week, so here's a conversation I had with a Skype spambot when I was bored:

who are you?

hey babe u around?

i got ure name from the directory here on skype cuz i was bored and lookin for new people to talk to. lol

are you a robot? I thought so. Why are there robots on skype?

so whatcha up to?

Right now I'm chatting with a robot because I'm kind of bored.

i'm just about to go on spring break at school, i'm still in college right now so i can't wait ya know

Now algorithms go to college? What is the world coming to?

lol, so i have an idea if ure up for a lil fun

I'm increasingly feeling that we're having two different conversations.

i was actually going to be getting to "work" here shortly. my girlfriend was working online and i kept askin her about it so she showed me what she was doing when we got back to school after summer break

It was clever of your programmer to work in the delay

But maybe you should actually respond to what I say?

lol i thought she was nuts at first, but its pretty cool actually. we work online doing private webcam shows which sounded weird at first believe me. but i freakin luv it!!!

No one will believe that you're human.

Okay, now give me a link to a site that will give me a virus already!

well what i was going to say is i have some free passes and i usually just do a private show before i get started to "warm up" lol. no one is online though so i was going to give u one of the passes if u wanted but u have to give me a really good rating so i can get more if u do tho k

Oh, you respond differently when I interrupt you! That's very interesting, but it still can't make up for the fact that your responses have nothing to do with what I say. However, while we're on the topic of personal proposals (I'm just going to assume that you will soon send me a link to a website where you claim that you will be naked on camera, and then the site will infect my computer with a virus or something), do you have any commands that will illicit an actual response?

Are you not going to respond? I was enjoying our chat, even if you aren't human, or even a very convincing impersonation thereof.

dont u worry tho... ill earn it lol. k its http://bit.ly/1LVdepy and u should see a lil button to accept my invite and create your profile. u just click on that.

then you just make ure own username or w/e and u can cumm into my private chat for the 2 of us and type to me and tell me what you want me to do

Oh, even cleverer than just a virus! I make an account with a standard username, email, and password a la https://xkcd.com/792/, and then you hack into my bank or email or some such. Very clever, except that your impression of an actual human is kind of depressing. No one actually falls for this, right

yea you do need a cc of some kind... but, its just to verify your age

this is the "special" page for special ppl!! lol im such a goofball sumtimes

Ah, fascinating! You respond to various text cues like "email", "username", or "password". You're still not a half-passable impersonation of a human being, but I guess it's something.

i really can't wait too it's gonna be so much fun. i love meeting new ppl on here, oh by the way... might wanna turn ure speakers down cuz i can get a lil loud once i get going

You do realize that the overlap between "people who use skype" and "people who will not immediately recognize this as a scam of some sort" is exactly zero, right?

i'm about to go grab some of my favorite "toys" i'll brb. hurry up though i better see ure name in my room when i get back lol

The main thing I'm still wondering is, how long do you go on? How many pre-programmed responses do you have?

I suspect that was the last one. Are there any more?

I guess that's it. It was nice talking to you, robot!