Since the release of the much-anticipated film "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2" a few weeks ago, the film has been praised by teenage girls and condemned by just about everyone else. There is, however, an exception: The CIA. As a CIA administrator who declined to be named remarked: "My daughter begged me to let her go to this movie, but I had heard bad things about it, so I decided to see it myself first. After the first few minutes, I was clawing at my eyes and waiting for death to take me. But then it hit This would be a great EIT!"

EITs, or Enhanced Interrogation Techniques are modern forms of torture used by CIA agents at America's Guantanamo Bay facility to extract information from suspected terrorists. The Idea of using Twilight to get people to talk quickly gained popularity among the CIA. The president of the United States Government's Guantanamo Military Commission, which oversees the Guantanamo Prison, commented: "These people are hardened criminals. They can handle having water poured up their noses or being deprived of sleep for days on end, but no man, no matter how strong, can stand 2 hours of sparkling vampire romance." The initial trials are going well. As another CIA agent commented: "There was this guy, Mahmoud, who we just couldn't get to talk. We tried everything: Waterboarding, Sleep deprivation, shouting, but nothing seemed to work. Then we set him up in the 'Vampire Room' and in fifteen minutes he was spilling his guts. The information gained from Mahmoud has resulted al Quada's number two man being killed five times in two days, and..." At this point, the agent trailed off, becoming increasingly concerned with the laser scope point on his head. Our reporter decided it was time to go.