As Ebola continues to rampage through west Africa and the first cases are encountered in America, terror has engulfed many people who, reasonably speaking, have no chance whatsoever of contracting the disease. However, the panic has been especially bad in the one American community truly menaced by Ebola: Vampires. "To most, the phrase 'transmitted only by contact with bodily fluids' is reassuring", Vampire spokeswoman and bored person Kristen Stewart told News from Rockettopia, "but for vampires, it merely adds to the terror." Vampires in west Africa have been dealing with this problem for months now, and there have been some reports in recent weeks of vampires starving to death rather than risking a slow, painful end by Ebola. As of yet, there have been no reports of such extreme action here in America, but the vampire community is nonetheless taking precautions, such as securing community borders and hoarding food. To quote Kristen Stewart, "While Ebola is a threat, it's not time to panic yet. I personally believe that the spread of Ebola in the United States can be contained to Texas and the bordering states. But we're still very worried. In addition to causing almost certain death, Ebola patients taste terrible." (For your sanity, we have chosen to omit Stewart's detailed description of what constituted "terrible") We here at News from Rockettopia would like to extend our good wishes to the Vampire community in these dark times. We also have a list of people who we know are clean.
In related news, the entire population of Forks, Washington has vanished under mysterious circumstances. Carslile Cullen could not be reached for comment.