Last weekend, the eleventh Relay for Life was held at Rockettopia Institute of Technology. Sadly, once again, the motion of the walkers around the relay track failed to grant Eternal Life. Dozens of teams consisting of hundreds of students participated in the relay and collectively raised tens of thousands of dollars for mysterious occult societies seeking to banish the spectre of death, but the various groups of cloaked and hooded figures report from their multi-million dollar mansions that their chants and blood sacrifices have yet to defeat the Grim Reaper. Similarly, the flasks of glowing chemicals that were held aloft by the participants of the relay did not scare away death.

The organizers of the Relay, five shadowy figures speaking in unison, told News from Rockettopia that they are "disappointed" in the failure to attain immortality but they plan to try again next year.