Sources close to the principal ('s cat) say that today's fire in Rockettopia High School was caused by an unaccounted-for, pocketknife-carrying student throwing a joint in a locker full of inappropriate clothing. According to reports, the student had just taken an elevator up to the third floor, despite lacking any sort of medical need, and was distracted while texting on his phone. The fire, which resulted in a complete evacuation of the school into the freezing cold, enraged all students who did not have tests during that period. The RHS Detective Club has sworn to find the perpetrator of the incident and bring him to justice. When asked what they would define as justice, one detective answered, "Standing outside in the blipping cold for ten blipping minutes! After that kind of experience, he'll most likely join the clergy."

The principal has used the incident to call for enforcement of the dress code, which is currently not enforced in regions including... the entire school. However, this announcement did have some unintended consequences, as today alone, five girls with skirts deemed 'too short' were found locked in the janitor's closets. Thankfully, they were not otherwise harmed. Some clubs also called for new clothing-rules that, according to the Rockettopia High School Civil Liberties Union, "Make Sharia clothes look like Victoria's Secret." But, even they agree, it would be worth it to avoid ever having to go in weather that cold again.

Although the Pocketknife-joint-elevator-phone-clothes story is nearly universally accepted by the school community at large, some clubs suspect that this is not the whole story. Some religious clubs blamed the fire on Gay Marriage. The NRA Club President was quoted as saying: "If someone in the area had been carrying a gun, they could have shot that bastard before he had a chance to give us all frostbite." The Supply-side Economics club proposed solving the problem by cutting taxes on the rich. When we sent a reporter to ask what that had to do with anything, and how that even works in a school environment where there are no taxes, he reported that the Supply-Side Economics Club Spokesman pretended not to hear the question and just kept whistling until our reporter left him alone.

Even though the name of the person responsible for the incident has not yet been disclosed, it has been leaked that he has already sold the movie rights.