Today on St. Patrick's day, millions of Americans took a moment to remember both St. Patrick and the numerous achievements of the Irish people- we're just shitting you it's booze. Obviously. Americans celebrated St. Patrick's day by drinking copiously, drinking more, vomiting, incoherently hitting on shrubbery, and drinking. In other words, Americans did what we would probably do every day if it wasn't for basic social norms. Despite great prejudice, the Irish made great contributions to American industry, culture, and politics, which Americans celebrated today by knocking back a pint of Guinness while wearing green to celebrate their imaginary Irish roots.

However, many Irish-Americans didn't share in the fun. The Ancient Order of Hibernians, which despite the name is not an organization of bears that secretly the world, takes issue with the characterization of Irish culture on St. Patrick's day. The Ancient Order, which I refuse to believe isn't a front for the Freemason Illuminati Templars, has called for an end to products and advertisements that they see as antiquated and racist. We do not believe that Amazon would allow the sale of a product emblazoned with "_____ TODAY HUNGOVER TOMORROW" if that blank was filled in by any other ethnic group, the Order said in a press release, referring to multiple products that fucking exists. One of the less well-thought-out products bearing the intoxication-inducing quip is a large folding knife. Seriously. Ancient Order chairman and suspected secret cabal leader Aidan O'Flannery told us, "To be straight with ya, all this almost makes me wish for the days when we were starved, overworked, and denied jobs. That was nobly bearable, this be just humiliating. And would ye stop writin' me words with yer shitty fake accent!", he added, "I'm speakin' to ye with me native Boston words!"

Americans will have to get their drinking in quickly, because after this it's cold turkey. At least until Cinco de Mayo, when we celebrate Mexican culture with tacos, sombreros, guacamole, and drinking. Oops! Forgot Passover, where we presumably celebrate Jewish culture by drinking, wearing furry hats, braiding our hair, and probably hoarding money or something. It's almost as fun as MLK day, where we all eat watermelon and fried chicken and listen to lots of gangsta rap!

And best of all is the Fourth of July, when we celebrate American culture, which is obviously what all of this really represents.
That and excruciatingly heavy-handed satire.