The annual Mr. Rockettopia competition will be held this Wednesday in the auditorium at 7:00 PM. As many readers will know, Mr. Rockettopia is a talent show in which seniors showcase their looks and talents in a battle to be voted this year's Mr. Rockettopia. Talents that are showcased include music, dancing, and comedy. One contestant this year had planned to do 'reverse stripping' as his talent, but this was vetoed by the administration on the grounds that they couldn't figure out what he meant but were too embarrassed to say so.
The administration was given veto power after an unfortunate incident in 2003 when a contestant showcased his talent for doing many, many different kinds of drugs at once. By the time security tackled him thirty seconds into his performance, he had used alcohol, tobacco, marijuana, cocaine, LSD, heroin, meth, toads, mushrooms, ecstasy, and something that he has to this day refused to name. The very, very hardworking staff of the Mary Mellon hospital later told News from Rockettopia that the incident was "unique" and "bizarre" and that it had "required that they develop completely new ways of detoxing patients". One Mary Mellon doctor won a Nobel prize in medicine two years later for his paper on the interaction LSD with alcohol, heroin, marijuana, and psychedelic mushrooms. The contestant recovered and graduated later that year (After serving two detentions for his "little stunt"). There is a shrine to him behind the garage in the lower lot and the Existential Club still celebrates his birthday every year.
The Mr. Rockettopia race this year is still very much up in the air, but we're willing to make a few predictions. First, there is a roughly 5% chance that something else will go wrong with the electrical grid, and the event will have to be postponed again. There is a 18% chance that all but one of the contestants will suffer mysterious injuries or deaths in the next twenty-four hours. The chance that at least one competitor will be disqualified for being a reptilianoid is roughly 8%. The chance that at least one competitor will be eaten by the strange creature that spends the day in the art department and sneaks out at night to feed on the janitors is 22%, with an error bar of +-4 points. The police assure us that the chance that the bagpipers trapped in the supply closet will escape and play bagpipes at the audience is very small, but they have positioned officers with ear protection around the closet anyway. The chance that a contestant will do another stupid fucking magic show is 95%. The chance that it will be annoying is 99%.
In summary, our pick to win Mr. Rockettopia this year is a toss-up between Zayn from One Direction and Texas senator Ted Cruz. Be sure to attend!