With All Hallows' Eve once again right around the corner, the town of Rockettopia spent the last week frantically completing the final preparations. Many of the precautions were in response to the catastrophe that unfolded last Halloween. For example, an extra row of electrified barricades have been placed on College Street to provide increased defense for the downtown district. All alcohol in Rockettopia will also be moved to a secure vault under town hall, which everyone agrees is something we really should have thought of years ago. The vault will be guarded by members of the city council in person; unfortunately, this will probably be very boring, but I'm sure they will find something to do.
Existing safety precautions have also been stepped up a notch. The entrenchments surrounding the eastern residential districts will be guarded by an elite force of police fusiliers in addition to the usual neighborhood watch troops. The police have also supplied two tear gas howitzers, although these will hopefully not be necessary. In addition, the evacuation of all residents of the college district has been changed from a 'suggestion' to an 'order' following numerous deaths in previous years. City Hall has also issued temporary home insurance to any and all citizens living near University of Rockettopia, although some critics have argued that anyone owning real estate in such an obviously hazardous area deserves whatever comes to them.
However, by far the most extreme defensive positions are around the First Wiccan Temple of Rockettopia. Barbed wire, three SWAT teams, land mines, some new 'toys' from the RHS Robotics Club, and the tank that usually guards the border with Raiderton. Citizens not involved in the defense are strongly encouraged not to go near, look at, or think about the Wiccan Temple during halloween.
If all else fails, citizens are urged to take shelter at the community farm at the old nuclear missile silo, or in the Forbidden Dog Park right next door. (The city council would like us to remind you that dogs, dog owners, and dog lovers are welcome at the Forbidden Dog Park from dawn till dusk all year long. Plans to change the name are still in the works.) From there, we will attempt to hold out until extraction.
The one place in town that has not been secured is the ancient hippie burial ground, as nothing too bad has ever really happened there. Yes, every halloween the hippie ghosts rise and play guitars at locals, but this is relatively harmless and no excuse for acts of aggression. True, shooting the hippie ghosts will not harm them, but it hurts their feelings, and everyone knows that ghosts are very sensitive. The hippie ghosts will also encourage trick-or-treaters to take up drugs, but this is an important life experiance for any child.
Finally, a few words of advice from the writers here at NR:
- The likelihood of children being drugged or poisoned by Halloween candy is essentially zero. Instead, kids should be instructed to watch out for more realistic dangers such as cars, supernatural entities, dire coyotes, republican campaign operatives, and people giving out organic gluten-free all-natural non-GMO candy.
- If, God forbid, you see a member of Sigma Alpha Epsilon who may have slipped through the perimeter, do not attempt to capture him yourself. Instead, call the Fratboy Control hotline and wait for the professionals at Fratboy Control to come and take him to the local fratboy shelter.
- It is important to be able to distinguish between dangerous demonic possession and normal, responsible demonic possession. Be sure to consult the brochure on possession that was sent to all citizens earlier this week for details.
- If your children do not return from trick-or-treating by four in the morning, ground them. You have to set limits and enforce them, or else your children might grow up to be libertarians. I know it's hard to hear, but this is important for everyone.