The entire town of Rockettopia was placed on lockdown yesterday after a local resident mistook a pair of unusually-shaped bushes for escaped murderers David Sweat and Richard Matt. Sweat and Matt escaped from the Clinton Correctional Facility on June 6th, dealing a substantial blow to the prison's reputation and to Hillary's 2016 bid. According to the information currently available, Sweat and Matt were assisted by prison employee Joyce Mitchell. Matt, by the current accounts, seduced Mitchell and convinced her to aid in the escape. According to Detective David Bentley, who helped capture Matt in 1997, Matt is "Very handsome and, in all frankness, very well endowed. He gets girlfriends any place he goes." Bentley continued, "Yeah, he sure is good looking. When he walks in wearing only his underwear, just... wow!" As the reporters began to whisper and back away, a seemingly entranced Bentley concluded, "Honestly, it's kind of amazing this didn't happen sooner; I'd do anything to get a piece of that ass..." Authorities are currently engaged in a massive hunt for Sweat and Matt. They say that if you see them, do not attempt to apprehend them and contact the authorities immediately. In addition, do not under any circumstances allow Matt to drop his pants.
For a few hours yesterday, it looked like the search for Matt and Sweat was over after a Rockettopia resident called police to report that he had seen the duo in a public park, standing very still and covered in leaves. The town was immediately placed on lockdown and the national guard was called in. However, after an eighteen-hour search failed to find any trace of Sweat and Matt, the guard concluded that there had been a false alarm. However, the anonymous resident who called the police remains steadfast, saying in a news conference earlier today that he "Just knew" that the pair of privet bushes were "definitely suspicious" and that the authorities were "arrogant" to call off their search so soon. We will bring you more updates concerning Sweat and Matt as the search continues.