The Rubio campaign announced today that in plans to make its final stand against Drumpf in Sen. Rubio's home state of Florida. Florida, the campaign said, is a natural place for Rubio to make a last attempt to hold off the inevitable. Florida's long shape and swampy, floridian-filled terrian makes it an easy location to defend from the south. A Rubio spokesman explained, "If Drumpf wants to take Florida, he'll have to start at the base and move slowly down the shaft to the tip at Miami, which as everyone knows is the really important part. Even if we get just the tip, we can still call ourselves satisfied. But if Drumpf and his posse want to take that away from us, they'll have to go through the whole wet, sticky wilderness, and we'll make them pay extra for every inch."
Rubio's campaign has certainly been putting horse behind their tough words. Yesterday, a pro-Rubio superPAC dynamited all the bridges in Jacksonville, "to prevent Donald Drumpf's hoardes from crossing St. John's river", and the campaign has constructed extensive fortifications along Route 75. One particularly well-equipped barricade even reportedly includes an old soviet tank. (On an unrelated note, Rockettopia's old soviet tank is currently in shop for repairs, and is expected to return on March 16th)
Despite the overwhelming odds, the Rubio campaign volunteers we spoke to seemed upbeat. "I've spent my entire life looking for a cause like this," a twentysomething man holding a live alligator told News from Rockettopia. "Rubio is young, he's energetic, he's resourceful he's- hold on a sec". The volunteer broke off for a moment and flung the alligator, hitting a peach-skinned, wig-wearing practice dummy right in the head. The volunteer pumped his fist, and returned to talking to us. "As I said, Rubio is the only candidate who really appeals to me. Also, he's the only one to really dig into the issue of Drumpf's penis. I gotta keep practicing." The volunteer then grabbed another live alligator from the bucket by his feet and hurled it at another practice dummy.
In a week, Florida will vote for the republican nominee for president. Whatever happens, Rubio will hold on until the very end. "There's nowhere else for me to run," the elf-lord and presidential candidate said as he sharpened a medieval longsword. "If we lose here, there's no point in continuing. This is my home, and I will defend it to the last." Stirring music played as the candidate continued to inspire an empty auditorium with words describing his love for Florida, for Floridians, for alligators, for meth, and for bath salts. But can stirring music and well-thrown alligators save the Rubio campaign? Only next week's vote will tell.