The formerly-popular amusement park SeaWorld declared that they will be closing all their facilities following a condemnation from One Direction star and all-time Fuck, Marry, Kill champion Harry Styles. Styles spoke out against the noted evil organization in a San Diego concert yesterday. After seeing noted Game of Thrones star and Fuck, Marry, Kill runner-up Maisie Williams, who also advocates for The Dolphin Project, Harry told the audience, "Does anybody here like dolphins? Don't go to SeaWorld!". In the following hours, SeaWorld saw its attendance drop to a crawl. One of the few remaining SeaWorld guests, a tattooed man with a waist-length beard and the odor of a confederate flag supporter, told News from Rockettopia, "Yeah, I love Harry and yeah, I know all about the dolphins, but I'm still here. Not because I approve of SeaWorld and not because I don't care - I'm here because I'm sexually aroused by tortured whales." He attempted to say more, but any further comments were directed at the back of our quickly-receding reporter's head.
SeaWorld CEO and terrible human being Joel Manby announced today that, in response to Harry's comments, SeaWorld would be liquidating all its assets and closing all its facilities. "We managed to continue our operations despite public outrage, multiple investigations, and basic human decency," Manby said in a public statement, "but Harry Edward Styles is a force of nature. He cannot be resisted. He cannot be stopped. Even we at SeaWorld are helpless before his terrible might."
Harry Styles has not yet been reached for comment.