As you all certainly now know, the strange events centering around mysterious sticky notes appear to have come to an end. The posters and sticky notes encouraging people to "be yourself" and "live your dreams" had been increasing in volume since last Wednesday, but the problem only became apparent on tuesday, as entire rooms were overrun by the slips of paper. The Build Your Own busness Lab was completely overrun that morning, leading the BYOB Lab to move to the Abstinence League headquarters, which has been abandoned for years. This led Campus Public Safety to ban students from entering the Abstinence League Headquarters, lest they encounter a busness manager. At this point, we dispatched one of our interns, Ellen Kalanski, to investigate the pamphlet.At this point, what we can say with certainty breaks down. We have found what appear to be Ellen's notes in among the ruins, but without Ellen herself, we can't confirm anything. This is what the notes say:
'Everyone else has fled the Student Life building, which is why I was so surprised to find the man who calls himself John Smith standing next to a strange machine, surrounded by walls covered with posters, flyers, sticky-notes, and adorable rubber ducks. "This is your last chance! I don't want to do this! Stop multiplying; go back to just living alongside the humans, and I won't have to destroy you!" At this point, Mr. Smith was hit in the head by a rubber duck, which didn't seem to affect him much, but it was followed by a wave of ducks which appeared to be leaping at him. Mr. Smith turned and shouted to me to run as he followed his own advice. As we fled, I looked back to see a flood of motivational slogans hot on our heels, but Mr. Smith pulled out a tool and pointed it at the ceiling, at which point a pipe burst and the posters were soaked. 'I'm the Doctor', he told me as we escaped.
"What ARE those... things?", I ask the man who calls himself the Doctor.
"They're called the Palakili. They're shape-shifting aliens that feed on self-esteem. You find them almost everywhere, but usually they lay low. They're symbiotes - they take a form that encourages people and feed off the excess positive energy. Since they can't live without their companion beings, they usually don't reproduce enough to become a real threat." Nothing too unusual about that. I had suspected that the posters were some kind of evil spirits like the ones that infected the writing implements last year, but his explanation made even more sense. "But if the... Palakili don't reproduce enough to become a threat, what happened here?", I asked.
"Usually. They usually don't reproduce to become a threat. But here we have an out-of-control a colony; a tumor I would call it. It's like a cancer; usually some kind of instinct prevents them from multiplying self-destructively, but here, here something has gone wrong, and they've forgotten to stop!" "Then what do we do?"
"There's only one thing to do: The corrupt colony has to be destroyed before it metastasizes and overruns your whole planet. In that room, I had a device that will drain their life-force, but I tried to negotiate with them instead of just destroying them. Now we're cut off from the machine, and it's out of range of my screwdriver!" At this point, he held up his device. "I need to find an amplifier of some kind. I could use the TARDIS, but the Palakili have us cut off from it too. Where around here can I find somewhere to amplify the signal? Think think think think THINK"
"How about the computer lab?"
"No, those don't have the hyperwave modulators that I need to adjust for amplification! If I rewire the microwaves in the kitchen with the artifacts in the unholy circle..."
At this point, I was desperate, so I broke the most important rule. "Well, we do have a certain... something else."
"If I reverse the wave frequency, then I can fashion a makeshift turbo encabulator, and... wait, what?"
"I'm not supposed to tell aliens this - you're an alien, right? - but Audacity College has a..."
"A secret lab where the Department of Alien Studies examines stolen alien technology."
"Where did you get that?" "Probably from you, which is why we're not supposed to mention it to aliens!", I shouted to his retreating back. "Maybe I should tell you where to find it!"
There probably won't be time to write again after this. The Doctor rigged something up really quickly, but he says that if he activates the device, I might be killed or mentally traumatized. I told him that I've already seen a stand-up comedian at the Grind, and if that didn't traumatize me, nothing will. He is now telling me that I don't understand. He says that since the Palakili live off positivity, the only way he can kill them all is to drain all the positive energy from Audacity college. He says that it will only take a second for them to starve, but that anyone within the blast radius will experiance the worst mental trauma any being can experience: a feeling of total worthlessness. That's why he couldn't activate the device until now. I'm telling him that it's okay, and I'm not afraid to die to stop the tumor. He says it's worse than death; far worse. I told him that I already took Concepts of Self; I know crushing despair. He said it's worse. I said it can't be worse than that. Oh, he says, but it is. There's a button behind him that I think activates the device. I'm going to make a lunge for it. If I don't come back, tell my family I love them, and my boyfriend that if he even touches that skank Kristen, death will not protect him from my fury.
It is my pleasure and my sad duty to report that the 'palakili' are gone, now, along with this 'Doctor', Ellen, and the strange blue box that mysteriously appeared in the lounge last week. Anyone with knowledge of the whereabouts of the Doctor or Ellen should contact the Rockettopia Police Department's "Alien Situations" office.