According to a piece published yesterday in the tabloid The National Enquirer, Ted Cruz has had no less than FIVE extramarital affairs while on the campaign trail.


Today is a good day

The magazine described

"Private detectives are digging into at least five affairs Ted Cruz supposedly had," claimed a Washington insider.

(EEEEEE!!!!) [Breathe into a paper bag] Further investigation of released pixelated faces of Cruz's alleged mistresses found that they matched some... surprising pictures. Specifically, Carly Fiorina's campaign manager, Donald Trump's spokeswoman, and a Cruz staffer. This lends more weight to the allegations, as a pro-Cruz superPAC had released FEC filings back in July showing that they gave half a million dollars to a pro-Fiorina superPAC for unexplained reasons, suggesting that Cruz may have violated campaign finance law to pay off a political opponent. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

More evidence has been found to support the Enquirer's claims. A reporter for Breitbart tweeted back in February,


When the scandal broke yesterday, he tweeted,


But it's just an allegation. It might not be true PLEASE JESUS CHRIST LET IT BE TRUE

Perhaps the least believable thing about the #CruzSexScandal, as Twitter has oh-so-creatively dubbed it, is that five women would be willing to bang Ted Cruz. Are we really willing to believe that the most hated man in Washington - a man who looks like the love-child of Martin Shkreli and a garden gnome and is DEFINATELY the Zodiac Killer - was able to have FIVE extramarital affairs?


I guess so