According to a piece published yesterday in the tabloid The National Enquirer, Ted Cruz has had no less than FIVE extramarital affairs while on the campaign trail.
Today is a good day
The magazine described
"Private detectives are digging into at least five affairs Ted Cruz supposedly had," claimed a Washington insider.
(EEEEEE!!!!) [Breathe into a paper bag] Further investigation of released pixelated faces of Cruz's alleged mistresses found that they matched some... surprising pictures. Specifically, Carly Fiorina's campaign manager, Donald Trump's spokeswoman, and a Cruz staffer. This lends more weight to the allegations, as a pro-Cruz superPAC had released FEC filings back in July showing that they gave half a million dollars to a pro-Fiorina superPAC for unexplained reasons, suggesting that Cruz may have violated campaign finance law to pay off a political opponent. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
More evidence has been found to support the Enquirer's claims. A reporter for Breitbart tweeted back in February,
Been told it's a few more days before we can drop the new Cruz goss. Nothing I can do :(— Allum Bokhari (@LibertarianBlue) February 4, 2016
@6ae025af2132401 can't come out for a few days. My hands are tied, and not in the fun way. :(— Allum Bokhari (@LibertarianBlue) February 4, 2016
When the scandal broke yesterday, he tweeted,
I hate getting scooped.— Allum Bokhari (@LibertarianBlue) March 25, 2016
But it's just an allegation. It might not be true PLEASE JESUS CHRIST LET IT BE TRUE
Perhaps the least believable thing about the #CruzSexScandal, as Twitter has oh-so-creatively dubbed it, is that five women would be willing to bang Ted Cruz. Are we really willing to believe that the most hated man in Washington - a man who looks like the love-child of Martin Shkreli and a garden gnome and is DEFINATELY the Zodiac Killer - was able to have FIVE extramarital affairs?
I guess so