After county administrators in Hawkins County, Tennessee discovered six-year-old food being served in the school cafeterias, students rose up in protest, demanding food that was, at worst, two years old. Students told News from Rockettopia that they would like less than 110 generations of maggots in their daily sustenance, but were willing to negotiate for maybe up to 200 generations, tops. One student told our reporter, who is currently in the next room vomiting uncontrollably, that she "Would have felt a little guilty asking for food that was less than six months old." Health risks aside, Hawkins County's food, which is apparently often older than some of its consumers, cause disruptions in the rest of the school day. "Every time a student has to be rushed to the hospital with food poisoning, I have to stop class and call their parents," a sixth-grade history teacher told our reporter, who I should really check on some time soon. "After the third or fourth time it happens in a single class period, I start having trouble getting the students back on track." The situation was not improved when students were interrupted mid-lunch by UNESCO, which had declared that day's chicken a nature reserve.

Despite the fact that their lunches would soon be able to file for retirement benefits in France, the students at Hawkins' Cherokee High School declined Rockettopia's offer to send a supply of fresh KFC. "Our food may be six years old, but at least it's food."