As the Iowa Caucus draws closer, the citizens of that state have been growing more and more concerned. With more and more candidates and campaign teams swarming into the state, the Department of Public Safety issued a report containing suggested safety precautions. These include

  • Stay inside your house whenever possible
  • Avoid town halls, public greens, and other public spaces
  • If you see someone wearing an American flag pin, turn and run as fast as possible
  • If possible, avoid sharing roads with limousines
  • If you see a clump of strange yellow fur on top of what looks like an mummy covered in orange juice, shoot to kill
  • If you hear the phrase "Make America Great Again", quickly find a hiding place and do not come out of hiding until you can no longer hear the campaigners
  • If a horned man with goat hooves calling himself "Rick Santorum" personally comes to your door and offers you riches beyond your wildest dreams in exchange for your soul vote, do not sign any contract he gives you.
  • If you are unfortunate enough to be cornered by campaign volunteers, then we are sorry, but all you can do is hope that it will be over quickly.
The Department of Public Safety concluded their message with the words, "You are probably all going to die."

Despite the warnings, some residents have still been injured. A Des Moines man was admitted to a hospital after being severely mauled by Mike Huckabee, and a woman in Cedar Rapids tragically died after suffering a three-second exposure to Ted Cruz. Doctors refused to go into detail, but said that the woman, who walked within fifty meters of the Texas Senator, experianced over a thousand times the maximum safe exposure to Ted Cruz, and described her body as 'riddled with asshole-shaped tumors'.

To our readers who are unfortunate enough to be in Iowa, we at News from Rockettopia have this message: "Run. Run while you still can. If you're already trapped, just focus on your own survival. We pray for your souls."

In local news, the strange, inspirational sticky notes have spread to the CCM building and to three residence halls. The other day, I walked by a bulletin board covered entirely by them, and I could have sworn I heard them rustling even though there was no breeze.