News from the Great Green Lands of Not-America.

Mexico to Build Wall, Make America Pay

January 6th 2017| By J.E.Ditor

Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto announced in a press conferance today that, just as planned, his administration would build a wall along the American border and make America pay for it. "Ever since the Gringo with the orange skin and strange hair emerged, my administration has promised that we will build a Great Wall along the American border.", Peña Nieto told the reporters in attendance. "Today, the American president-elect, Mr..." - Peña Nieto glanced down at a slip of paper before continuing - "Fuckface tinyhands garbagefire von Clownstick Pussygrabber Drumpf called to update me on the progress of the Wall. He told me that he agreed, America would pay for the wall." There were audible cheers from the assembled crowd.

"He called me, and he told me that America would pay to construct the wall along the U.S.-Mexico Border. I was very greatful, although we weren't giving him a choice. If he did not pay for our wall, we were going to stop making his clothing line. But still, very polite. He also said something about "reimbursement", and what sounded like 'We're going to win bigly. It'll be yuuuge, trememndous, believe me'. I am rather baffled by that, but I am still very glad that Mr. Pussygrabber has come around and will pay for our wall." Peña Nieto was then met with more applause.

"Now, more than ever, the wall will be nessecary to keep out the Americans coming into our country illegally. They're bringing fast food, they're bringing assault rifles, they're alt-right... and some, I assume, are good people. But still, it is good that they will pay for our wall."


Britain Leads America; "We Can Make Astonishingly Stupid Decisions Too!"

June 24th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

As America has barreled headlong into the most bizarre election in history - with two unlikable candidates, one of whom is... this... - the people of the U.K took yesterday's 'Brexit' referendum as a chance to show that they too can make mindblowingly stupid decisions that fly in the face of logic. Britain, which narrowly voted to leave the EU, a move which - despite all common decency - the media insists on referring to as 'Brexit'. 'Brexit' is a portmanteau of 'Britain', referring to the U.K., and 'Exit', referring to the act of drunkenly running away screaming obscenities. Obviously, a better and more accurate term would have been a portmanteau of 'UK' and 'skedaddle'. But despite the best efforts of Wolf Blitzer, the term 'Ukedaddle' never really caught on, perhaps because it sounds less like a global financial catastrophe and more like a rooster playing country music. Which, we suppose, might actually be a substantially worse experience for those unfortunate enough to be nearby.

But despite the massive potential economic and political fallout, 51% of Brits voted yesterday for Brexit (Ukedaddle?). But this was more than simply a display of thickheaded nationalism and xenophobia in the face of facts and reason - it was an attempt to show the world that the United States of America does not have a monopoly on making fantastically stupid decisions. "By nominating a racist mountebank reality show clown for their nation's highest office, those Yanks have really set a high bar for badly-informed and worse-thought-out decisions", a member of UKIP told News from Rockettopia. "But today we showed those buggers that they still have a lot to learn from old England! Now excuse me, dear chap, I've to go celebrate by snorting tea off the Union Jack!" While our... enthusiastic friend's use of the term 'England' instead of 'Britain' or 'The U.K' may seem incorrect (And we may seem very pedantic for saying so), it's actually correct, as Scotland overwhelmingly voted to stay in the EU, with Northern Ireland concurring by a smaller margin. The eventual nationwide vote to leave led many Scots to respond, "Vote to leave a union? Stoatn' idea, laddie!". If you have any idea what this means, please get in touch.

To make matters even worse for defenders of American exceptionalism when it comes to poor decision-making, after the resignation of British P.M. David Cameron, the new leader of the U.K. could be former London mayor Boris Johnson, a man who imitates Donald Trump from racism and xenophobia to even the 'hair'style.

But unless America actually elects Donald J. Trump president - which for some crazy fucking reason is apparently a legitimate possibility and no longer just the world's most disappointing acid trip - the U.K. appears to pulled ahead when it comes to the voters making terrible, terrible decisions.

And then there's The Philippines...


Following Air Strike on Hospital, DoD asks "Why Do People Care Now"

October 6th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

Following a US airstrike on a Doctors Without Borders hospital in Afghanistan that killed nearly two dozen people, the Department of Defense expressed puzzlement about the resulting outrage. In a press conferance earlier today, US General and man has one week tops left at his job John Cambell wondered why now, of all times, the public would care about the routine massacres of civilians by the United States overseas. "We've been indiscriminately bombing countries like Afghanistan, Pakistan, Yemen, Somalia, Iraq, and more for years. Why have people suddenly started to care?", the general asked. "And why, dear god, did it have to happen under MY watch?" Cambell raises a good point. America has been bombing countries like this, originally with manned aircraft and then more recently with unmanned drones, for years. "Back in 2013, we bombed a WEDDING CONVOY in Yemen. Yemen, a country that we aren't at war with and that most Americans can't even locate on a map! And no one gave a shit!", Cambell pointed out. "So why the fuss over this new atrocity?" Cambell declined to point out that later that same year, American jets accidentally bombed the Great Barrier Reef during a training exercise. The bombs were unarmed, no damage was done, and it's totally irrelevant to the point, but we thought you really should know that.

Later, in a press conferance in front of the White House, President Obama expressed sadness for the loss of innocent lives stemming from the attack. "Our thoughts and prayers go out to the victims of this tragic attack that we ourselves conducted. The American people can rest assured that a mistake of this magnitude will not happen again. The next time that your tax dollars are used to kill children in a foreign country, it will be by drone strike, as is the proper method for comitting atrocities. Given the public's attitude on our civilian massacres, I'm sure that will make everything okay."

An official in the Department of Defense, who did not wish to be named, stood up to defend America's overseas operations. "People will say after this that we're just like the Taliban, that we also kill civilians, blah blah blah blah blah. Bullshit! The Taliban target civilians for murder; we don't give a shit one way or another, we just kill everyone. On the flip side, the Taliban only kill civilians who are in some way opposed to them. Again, we don't waste time figuring out who our strikes hit. We just kill, kill, kill and apologize later. Not like the goody-two-shoes doctors can complain anyway; they're fucking corpses now."

When asked for comment, Republican presidential candidate Jeb! Bush said simply, "Stuff happens", while his fellow candidate Donald Trump let loose a stream of incoherant, racist gibberish. Reporters are unsure of he was responding to the question or simply talking as usual.


Slavonistan to Dedicate Troops to War on ISIS

June 6th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

America's vital strategic ally Slavonistan yesterday declared that their country is making a late entry into the campaign against the "Daesh", also known as the "Islamic State", "ISIS", "ISIL", "al-Psychopathy", the "Vaguely Islam-y State in the Middle East", and "KILL KILL KILL!!". Slavonistan is a vital American partner in a loosely-defined region somewhere between Germany and China. The Kurdish forces, local Sunni and Shiite militias, and American 'advisors' currently fighting ISIS will now enjoy the support of the legendary Slavonistani Turtle Riders, who left yesterday and are scheduled to arrive sometime within the next year. Speaking from his eight-room presidential palace in the Slavonistani capitol of Gorbachevgrad, Slavonistani president Viktor al-Stoyomstevski told the press that he would be "Honored to defend ze civilized vorld against ze barbarians calling zemselves ze 'Islamic State'. Ze Slavonistani elite turtle cavalry will break zese dogs like Croatians."

This news is especially exciting for Rockettopia, as we have long enjoyed a special relationship with Slavonistan. In 1992, only months after Slavonistan was formed, ambassadors from Gorbachevgrad and Rockettopia met and bonded over the shared experience of having accidentally acquired a large number of nuclear weapons. Gorbachevgrad and Rockettopia officially became sister cities in 1994, and we have been running exchange programs ever since. In 2004, to celebrate the tenth anniversary of our partnership, we sent Gorbachevgrad twenty kilos of high-grade marijuana, as they sent us a derelict Soviet tank and crates of Slavonistani swamp grass, which unfortunately did not get us high. The tank was repaired in 2010 by the RHS Engineering Club and has since watched menacingly over our disputed border with Raiderton.

The mayor of Rockettopia wished the Slavonistani Grand Army the best of luck fighting ISIS, and we at News from Rockettopia are proud to echo his sentiment. Go forth in the name of the goats!


Ebola Stokes Fear in Vampire Community

November 2nd 2014| By J.E.Ditor

As Ebola continues to rampage through west Africa and the first cases are encountered in America, terror has engulfed many people who, reasonably speaking, have no chance whatsoever of contracting the disease. However, the panic has been especially bad in the one American community truly menaced by Ebola: Vampires. "To most, the phrase 'transmitted only by contact with bodily fluids' is reassuring", Vampire spokeswoman and bored person Kristen Stewart told News from Rockettopia, "but for vampires, it merely adds to the terror." Vampires in west Africa have been dealing with this problem for months now, and there have been some reports in recent weeks of vampires starving to death rather than risking a slow, painful end by Ebola. As of yet, there have been no reports of such extreme action here in America, but the vampire community is nonetheless taking precautions, such as securing community borders and hoarding food. To quote Kristen Stewart, "While Ebola is a threat, it's not time to panic yet. I personally believe that the spread of Ebola in the United States can be contained to Texas and the bordering states. But we're still very worried. In addition to causing almost certain death, Ebola patients taste terrible." (For your sanity, we have chosen to omit Stewart's detailed description of what constituted "terrible") We here at News from Rockettopia would like to extend our good wishes to the Vampire community in these dark times. We also have a list of people who we know are clean.
In related news, the entire population of Forks, Washington has vanished under mysterious circumstances. Carslile Cullen could not be reached for comment.


Vacationers Canceling Trips to Alaska to Avoid Mexican Drug War

October 24th 2014| By J.E.Ditor

As the outrage and chaos continues in Mexico after the kidnapping of forty-three students last month, concerned travelers have begun to cancel scheduled trips to Alaska. Despite the assurances of various public leaders that Alaska is sufficiently far away from Mexico that it is not threatened by the Mexican political strife, travelers have opted to 'take it safe' and avoid the entire north American continent. "So it's thirty-two hundred miles from Mexico City to Juneau." a nervous traveler told us, "I still don't think it's safe to get near something so dangerous." When we asked an agent from the travel planning company Travelocity, he told us, "It's completely absurd. Alaska is separated from the Mexican unrest by both the mainland United States and Canada, neither of which have recently had any outbreaks of local civil war. Just because the mayor of Iguala [A town near Mexico City] sold 43 college students into slavery to a drug gang, which resulted in him becoming a fugitive, rioters burning down the Iguala city hall and attempting to burn down the state capitol building, and the governor resigning - just because that happened doesn't mean that Alaska is unsafe. IT'S THREE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED F**KING MILES. We have fact-checked his statement and, although we have been unable to substantiate his claim that the distances between Mexico and Alaska are engaging in sexual intercourse, his sentiment seems accurate. There is no outstanding danger to visiting Alaska right now - although, given the season, the trip might be a little sub-par.
We would also like to take this opportunity to warn our readers against traveling to Africa. Remember, Johannesburg, South Africa is only thirty-three hundred miles from Monrovia, the center of the Ebola outbreak.


Donetsk, Ukraine Observes Passover By Re-Enacting Antisemitism

April 17th 2014| By J.E.Ditor

The embattled city of Donetsk, Ukraine celebrated the Jewish holiday of Passover this week with the ancient tradition of antisemitism. Someone, it's currently unclear who, posted notices around the city telling Donetski Jews,

All citizens of Jewish nationality over the age of 16 who live on the territory of the sovereign Donetsk Republic must before May 3, 2014, appear before the Donetsk Republic commissar for nationality affairs in Room 514 of the government's offices. The cost of registration is 50 US dollars.

That this event coincides with Passover may not be a coincidence. Passover celebrates the legendary escape of the Jewish people from Egypt, which, if historical, is the oldest case of antisemitism. Jews celebrate passover by gathering with family, praying, and eating Matzah, a kind of bread-cracker hybrid which ancient antisemite tradition claims is made from the blood of Christian boys. However, many moderate antisemites today believe that such stories are not factually correct, but merely serve to remind believers that Jews must be feared and hated. Given the long history of Judiasm, antisemitism and Passover, it only makes sense that antisemites would celebrate Passover with the persecution of the Jews.

The tradition of antisemitism seen here has a rich cultural history. Archaeologists have found evidence of antisemitism dating back to hundreds of years before the birth of Christ, and it has been continuously practiced to some extent ever since. Antisemitism can range from the banning of synagogues to clothing restrictions to restrictions on residence to outright massacres, and in extreme cases systematic murder. Some critics have condemned antisemitism for being " is prejudice, hatred of, or discrimination against Jews for reasons connected to their Jewish religion or heritage" (Source: Wikipedia), but others respond that antisemitism is a rich and diverse culture that should not be painted with one brush.

One such person is Artem Oleksiy, an official of the self-declared Donetsk Republic. "We have a long tradition of antisemitism.", he told News from Rockettopia. "This new requirement that Jews register with the government is simply an expression of our rich cultural heritage. We are proud to be bigots." When asked if the Jew Registration Drive would lead to the establishment of ghettos, voting restrictions, and laws about Jewish-owned businesses, Oleksiy dismissed such claims nonchalantly. "Absurd. Those plans are not to be released to the public for three months yet."



Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is Not A Real Person, Says Study

November 16th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

A study released today by the Journal of Things That Don't Happen In Real Life concluded that the embattled, crack-smoking mayor of Toronto does not exist. The study found that Ford's saga is so absurd that it doesn't merely push believability, it breaks right through the barrier of belief to the beautiful paradise of conspiracy. Ford simply can't be real, the study says, because people that absurd simply don't actually exist. How absurd is Rob Ford? Here's a quick refresher, helpfully provided by Jon Stewart:

Rob Ford
More Rob Ford
This man is f**king unbelievable
Oh my god.
I can't wait to see what happens next!

Are you really still reading this? Haven't you passed out from laughing yet?
Since Ford has now admitted to smoking crack during a drunken stupor and is suspected of seeing a prostitute, snorting crack, driving while drunk, sexually harassing staffers, [I can't even think what to say here] etc. However, according to the Stupid People Research Center, stratigically located in Miami, Florida, Rob Ford does not actually exist. The leader of the study, Andrew Marinelli, wrote that "We here at the Stupid People Research Center have spent years studying amazing people such as Anthony Wiener, Herman Cain, Charlie Sheen, Donald Trump, and others. We have used this data to develop the Dumbass Scale to measure stupidity. The scale ranges from 0 to 100, and includes all conceivable levels of stupid. Toronto mayor Rob Ford scores 351 on the scale. Therefore, we have concluded that Ford and his actions are entirely fictitious."

Marinelli spends most of the paper describing the calculations involved in the Dumbass Scale and the thorough math that led the team to their conclusion. He does, however, take a few sentences at the end of the article to make some guesses about how Rob Ford came to not-exist. According to Marinelli, "Since we have virtually no data on the subject, we can only speculate on the identity of the person or organization that invented Rob Ford. It's possible that the Obama Administration invented Ford to distract people from the healthcare screwup. However, we think it's more likely that he was created by the Canadian government to make sure no one, anywhere, ever calls Canada boring again."

When interviewed later, Marinelli was asked why, if Rob Ford was fictitious, he had a record of public appearances, a birth certificate, and election wins. Marinelli responded, simply, "Math doesn't lie."


Pope Francis Endorsed by Jesus

March 28th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

Just hours ago, the new Pope Francis received a surprise endorsement from Jesus Christ. From his throne alongside the almighty in heaven, Jesus released a statement, "I am aware that I don't often do this, but I would like to state my approval of Pope Francis. I feel that he is sort of doing holy work." Even critics of the pope were impressed and excited about these words of praise.

Jesus had not endorsed a pope since the official creation of the office in 366 A.D.

"Although John Paul II came close, he didn't really cut it in terms of charity.", Jesus also mentioned during his endorsement. Although Jesus did not go beyond broad generalizations in his explanation of why he endorsed Francis, many prominent theologians have offered explanations. Many cardinals have pointed out that Francis has refused to wear the ornamental red shoes of the papacy [Insert 'Wizard of Oz' joke of your choosing here], decided to live in the Vatican guest house instead of the papal suite, used public transportation as a bishop in Argentina, and above all, extreme concern for the welfare of the poor. Non-church officials have speculated that the rumors that as a cardinal, Francis supported gay civil unions behind closed doors in Argentina might have to do with it. Whatever the reason, the church is very excited now.


North Korea Launches Satellites, Newscasters Declare: "This means ANYTHING is possible"

December 14th 2012| By J.E.Ditor

This Wednesday, North Korea announced that they had successfully launched a satellite into orbit. News anchors and pundits took this in stride, making jokes and generally taking the announcement with a grain of salt. But then a report came out that stunned the world into a shocked and horrified silence: the reports of the satellite launch might be true.

Further investigations showed that North Korea had, in fact, launched a 3-stage rocket carrying a satellite into orbit. As North Korea's missile tests have barely cleared the country to crash into the ocean, the world took the news that the North Koreans had managed to pull off a success in their ballistics program as a message that, in the words of CNN's Anderson Cooper: "This means ANYTHING is possible!"

Other newscasters and pundits jumped on board. ABC news announced that China had legalized unions and set a minimum wage. NBC told the world that the UN nations had voted unanimously to forgive all the world's debt. MSNBC declared that unemployment was down to 3%, and FOX news presented a 3-hour expose about the UN's plans to kidnap our children for their army and form a one-world government. With further investigation, News from Rockettopia found that the latter of these represented no significant change. Weather forecasters are currently predicting 90o temperatures for Canada and 3 feet of snow in Rio de Janeiro. One particularly optimistic forecaster predicted a rain of kittens and bolts of silk in Nevada. A less ambitious forecaster predicted a rain in Nevada.

Reporters stopped short, however, at predicting an agreement in Washington. As CNN's Shepard Smith put it: "You can only go so far with this."

UPDATE: A new report showed that the Korean Satellite might have an irregular and out-of-control orbit. The North Korean Government has denied this claim. Finally, some semblance of reality has been restored.

Further Reading:


Obama says America 'Might Leave Afghanistan Someday'

December 2nd 2012| By J.E.Ditor

In a press conference yesterday, president Obama announced that he has plans to 'Maybe leave Afghanistan someday.'. American troops have been in Afghanistan for over ten years, and the region is as unstable as ever. Obama plans to withdraw from Afghanistan by 2014, unless it is necessary to stay longer, which looks increasingly likely. America will withdraw from Afghanistan when the Afghan military is capable of fighting the Taliban on its own. However, after this year's surge of attacks on Americans by Afghan troops, some wonder if the Taliban are the ones who the Afghan army wants to fight. Many experts believed that America would have a military presence in Afghanistan until the sun goes out in approximately 5 Billion Years, but Obama's announcement of a 'Someday' withdrawal date has some experts daring to hope that America will leave by 2143. "It's still a while", one expert quipped, "but it's a huge improvement on before.".


Special Report from the Korean Central News Agency

November 30th 2012| By J.E.Ditor

Our dear friends at the Korean Central News Agency, the official news source of the 'Democratic People's Republic of [North] Korea' yesterday reported that North Korean archaeologists had found the lair of the ancient King Tongmyong's Unicorn. The Lair of the Unicorn, which was ridden by the founder of the ancient Koruryo kingdom, is apparently located in Pyongyang, proving that Pyongyang is the legitimate capitol of Korea. But all anyone can talk about is the unicorn. "Korea's history books deal with the unicorn, considered to be ridden by King Tongmyong, and its lair.", remarked Jo Hui Sung, the head of the DPRK Academy of Social Sciences' History Department. Unfortunately, the editors of News from Rockettopia suspect that the international media, which is notoriously biased against the DPRK, will not take this important discovery seriously.