The goings-on at our beautiful hometown of Rockettopia, where the football team usually wins, the Wicca Club definately doesn't summon demons, the Community Farm is - and this is true - built on an old nuclear missile site, and all the children are above average.

Our thanks to Garrison Keillor for providing us with plenty of material to plagiarize.

For Eleventh Straight Year, Relay for Life Fails to End Death

April 12th 2018| By J.E.Ditor

Last weekend, the eleventh Relay for Life was held at Rockettopia Institute of Technology. Sadly, once again, the motion of the walkers around the relay track failed to grant Eternal Life. Dozens of teams consisting of hundreds of students participated in the relay and collectively raised tens of thousands of dollars for mysterious occult societies seeking to banish the spectre of death, but the various groups of cloaked and hooded figures report from their multi-million dollar mansions that their chants and blood sacrifices have yet to defeat the Grim Reaper. Similarly, the flasks of glowing chemicals that were held aloft by the participants of the relay did not scare away death.

The organizers of the Relay, five shadowy figures speaking in unison, told News from Rockettopia that they are "disappointed" in the failure to attain immortality but they plan to try again next year.


RIT Clarifies Legality of Flamethrowers on Campus: "Of Course Not, You Fucking Idiots"

January 28th 2018| By J.E.Ditor

In response to the release of Elon Musk's $500 Boring Company Flamethrower, Rockettopia Institute of Technology President Dave released a statement on the legality of flamethrowers on campus reading "Of course not, you fucking idiots. Jesus christ, do I really need to clarify this shit? No. You. Cannot. Have. A. Fucking. Flamethrower. On. Campus."

As a tech school dominanted by nerds with high Intelligence and low Wisdom, RIT has a history of... unusual incidens involving objects so bizarre that no one had even thought to ban them. It's been nearly half a decade and we still don't know where that nuke came from or how he got it onto campus. The space laser from two years ago is still in orbit with no controls, and more concerningly, the drivers haven't been updated to take into account recently-discovered security flaws. And while the ADA forbids RIT from banning prosthetic arms, the administation has cracked down on prostheses containing sound cannons or molecular disruptors.


After Engineering Building Fire, Students Told to Test 'Arson-Bot' Somewhere Else

September 29th 2017| By J.E.Ditor

Following a fire in the Engineering Building yesterday, newly-inagurated Rockettopia Institute of Technology president Dave officially requested that engineering students test their 'Arson-bot' prototype "somewhere else, please, anywhere else". The fire, which was not serious but did necessitate the evacuation of the Engineering Building for much of Thrusday afternoon, was attributed to an 'accident' in one of the enginnering labs - thankfully, not the one filled with dry hay, enormous amounts of paper, rusty drums of gasoline, various spare fireworks, jet fuel, and war surplus munitions.

In light of this close call, president Dave officially requested that enginnering students relocate the tests of their current flagship project, the 'arson-bot'. "Please, for the love of God, take it somewhere else," Dave said in his request. "Do the tests somewhere that doesn't matter, like one of the many abandoned buildings in the city. Or the Liberal Arts building. Please, just keep it away from the important stuff." This request echoes a similar request from the previous president that the College of Science students store their brain-eating amoeba samples somewhere other than the on-campus daycare center.

At the conclusion of his statement, Dave was heard to quietly mutter "What is this place? Does this kind of shit happen all the time here?"

Tests of the Enginnering Department's other main project, the 'Rusty Nails And Broken Glass Bot' is scheduled for next week in the zepplin research lab.


Non-Union Moveout Day Worker found with Broken Legs after 'Falling Down Stairs'

May 19th 2017| By J.E.Ditor

A bruised and bloodied non-union RIT moveout day worker was found unconcious and with both legs broken after what he insists was atumble down a flight of stairs. Tom Johnston, a sophomore computer engineering major at Rockettopia Institute of Technology, was gound with bruises all over his body, his right femur fractured in two places, his left fibia also fractured in two places, and his left tibia fractured in three. Johnston, who only hours earler had been standing in the Watson Hall lobby offering his help as a free-lance paid moving assistant, insists that he just fell down a flight of stairs.

"It was just an accident," Johnston told News from Rockettopia. "I wasn't looking where I was going, and I tripped over someon- sorry I mean something, and fell down a flight of stairs.I guess that's what I get for thinking that I could work as a moveout day helper without joining the Union."

When asked how his accident related to his refusal to join the Moving Laborers' Union, Johnston told us that "it must've been karma or something. This is what I get- er, deserve for trying to undercut union workers by working for below standard wages." Johnston also reminded us that "Snitches get even more stitches."

When reached for comment, the Moving Laborers' Union told News from Rockettopia that they were "sorry to hear about what happened to the rat that nice young man" and prayed for his speedy recovery.


Some Messages from Rockettopia Institute of Technology

January 28th 2017| By J.E.Ditor

The following is an official announcement from the administration of Rockettopia Institute of Technology:

It's been a week since the start of spring semester classes, and we feel that some reminders are in order. We know that most students and faculty will already know most of this, but it's always important to remember and clarify various college rules and policy.

First and foremost, Sigma Alpha Epsilon still has ninety-seven years left on the campus ban that was put in place following the Incident three years ago. Any SAE member found on campus will be arrested by CPS, and any student who knowingly brings or allows an SAE member onto campus will find themself in a disciplinary hearing. In a related reminder, students and faculty are forbidden from entering the enormous dome that covers the site of the old SAE House.

Use of the particle accelerator as a room for sex is strictly forbidden between the hours of 8:00 PM and 6:00 AM, as well as during operating hours.

The food at Gloria's is the best you're going to fucking get, so just fucking deal with it, okay? We're not a fucking restaurant.

Students - especially but not exclusively the engineering students - and are reminded that the use of Institute resources to construct giant death robots or doomsday weapons constitutes a misuse of resources and can result in academic suspension. Any students wishing to construct such things must do so on their own time with their own resources, or officially apply for a grant for a research project.

Under no circumstances is the biology lab to be used for growing magic mushrooms. We are aware that the First Wiccan Temple of Rockettopia pays very well for all magic items, but using Institute property for supernatural activities is against Institute policy and will result in a disciplinary hearing. In related news, the project to grow mind-control mushrooms is coming along quite well.

Students and faculty are strongly discouraged from entering the swamps around campus. Not because there are any escaped lab specimens living in the swamps or anything like that, though. Nope. As our lawyers will tell you, there is no proof of escaped lab specimens occasionally devouring students who enter the swamp after dark. Still, management strongly advises that students avoid the swamp.

Finally, it is our pleasure to introduce our new president, Dave! Dave is a veteran education administrator with a history of encouraging diversity and expanding engineering programs. He is eight feet tall, a three-time grammy-nominated rapper, and periodically cosplays as Obi-Wan Kenobi. Dave will become president of RIT in June, after the current president steps down. We invite you all to wish Dave the best!

4π will rise


Rockettopia First Night Ice Sculpture Just Giant Turd

December 31st 2016| By J.E.Ditor

According to the Rockettopia First Night Board at the town common, this year's Rockettopia First Night ice sculpture has been designed to resemble human feces. The town sculpture - an annual First Night tradition - traditionally represents the overall year. For example, in 2015 the ice sculpture was a deflated football, in 2014 the sculpture was a double feature of an ISIS fighter and a missing malaysian airliner. In 2013, the ice sculpture was originally going to be an exploding pressure cooker, but was changed to Edward Snowden (pardon the pun) after that was determined to be "in terrible taste". In 2012, the ice sculpture was a deflated Mitt Romney.

So, after fully considering what the year 2016 was and represents, and after subsequently spending two days in the mental health ward of the Mary Mallon Hospital, the members of the ice sculpture committee settled on modeling the sculpture off a literal piece of shit. "We considered Donald Trump, obviously, but then we thought about all the other things that happened this year., a committee member told News from Rockettopia. "The Flint Water Crisis, David Bowie, Brussels, Orlando, Alton Sterling, Brexit, Emails, Russian Hacks... And Harambe. Jesus christ, Harambe. It was a shitshow. At first, we considered making the sculpture a dumpster fire, but our sculptor told us he wasn't confident that he could make the flames look right. So we went with an enormous steaming pile of human shit. So we still kinda ended up doing Trump."

Reactions to the sculpture have been mixed. Some residents appriciate the artist's perfect capture of the essence of the year we're leaving behind. Others said that it was 'inappropriate' and 'offensive', and pointed out that it might traumatize children under the age of fifteen who don't know what poop is. However, most people we spoke to appriciated the outside-the-box idea. "It represents the point to which the whole world has been moving this year", one man with a handlebar mustache and a hat told us. "It's a beautiful postmodern satire of our cynical culture of pessimism and effectively deconstructs society's idea of the human spirit. Fascinating!"

We here at News from Rockettopia would like to officially state that we approve of the 2016 sculpture, and we sincerely hope we're still around to see the 2017 sculpture.


Audacity College Changes Name, Size, Focus, All Defining Attributes

December 21st 2016| By J.E.Ditor

In a surprise press conference today, Audacity College president John McDonald announced that the college would be undergoing some changes over winter break. "First of all, we're changing our name to 'Rockettopia Institute of Technology', the president told the a crowd of rather baffled reporters. "Also, we're increasing our student body size by a factor of ten, from 1,500 to 15,000. However, this isn't just transfers and new admissions; most of these new students will have already been here for a while. As long as you don't think about it, it works." The president went on to say that Audacity College RIT will be changing its focus from buisness, communication, and game studies to science, technology, and engineering, which will involve starting dozens of new classes that have been taught for years and hiring hundreds of new professors who already boast decades of experiance at RIT. The president concluded by announcing that he was changing his name to Will Dalton for no well-defined reason, and promising to continue the devotion to intelligence and quality that had defined Audacity College. Reporters responded by asking what he meant by "Audacity College".


Judge: "Let's Just Fucking Call It - Rich White People are Above the Law

June 6th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

In light of the contravener surrounding the short sentance of Stanford University swimmer and rapist Brock Turner, the case judge Aaron Persky replied with his thoughts on the case. What follows is his open letter:

"On June 3rd, 2016, I sentanced convicted rapist and privlaged white male Brock Turner to six months in county jail. My arguement, which I made in my official opinion and will restate here, was that anything more than a slap on the wrist would have 'have a severe impact on him'. Some people since then have pointed out that - and here I'm paraphrasing - 'That's the fucking point'. But in saying this, they miss the overall point of my sentance. Brock Turner raped an unconcious woman in the belief that he - as a wealthy privlaged white male star athelete attending a prestigious university - would be effectively immune to any sort of consequences for his actions. A sentance longer than the token six months I gave him would have proven him wrong when, in fact, he was completely correct in his assumptions. Let's just fucking call it - rich white people are above the law.
"Honestly, this should have been obvious after Ethan Couch. For those who don't remember, Ethan Couch was the rich white kid who got drunk and, while using a suspended license and going nearly twice the speed limit, killed four people. His rich parents hired a psychologist who testified that Couch believed that his wealth made him above the law, and who are we to tell him otherwise? Turns out that, just like Brock Turner, Couch was right - he got off with a few months in rehab and an order to stay away from alcohol. Then he was caught on video playing beer pong, fled to Mexico, was extridited back, and after all that still only got two years for killing four people. Still, after all that - I'd like to see a black person from the 'hood kill four people and pull that off!
"So my point is, I had to give Brock Turner a short sentance. To do otherwise would have sent Americans the irresponsible message that rich white men have to follow laws too. And that's clearly no longer the case."


New RAs Inducted in Ancient Ceremony

May 11th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

With great pomp and circumstance (As well as the song 'Pomp and Circumstance'), Audacity College director of Residential Life Paul Collins deputized the 2016-2017 academic year Residential Advisors, as is commanded by the ancient code. One by one, the new RAs were called up, ceremonially tossed a rag soaked in their own blood on the Eternal Flame, and were assigned their res hall by the Oracle. Each student waited with a combination of exhilaration and horror, knowing that two RAs were going to hear the dreaded words: Lyman Hall. After receiving their assignments, each RA knelt so that Director Collins could formally dub them 'Residential Advisor' with the ancient sword of Samuel de Champlain. With that, the new RAs each left without speaking to begin the day of silent meditation. For twenty-four hours, the new advisors can not eat, drink, speak, or sleep. Only after this period of solitary contemplation can they truly be called 'Residential Advisors', perpetrators of the ancient and arcane order dedicated to the protection of the residents of Audacity College.

28th January 2022

I hear the pay is better if you specify to be paid in shrunken heads.


FEMA Dowses Rockettopia with Water after Plumes of Smoke Seen Rising from City

April 20th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

After multiple sightings of massive plumes of smoke from miles away, the US Fire Division (USFD), a subdivision of the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), dispatched two dozen firefighting planes to douse Rockettopia in 100,000 liters of water in a desperate attempt to put out what they assumed to be an enormous raging fire. The plumes of smoke were six miles tall and visable from two states away, and appeared to be centered around public locations such as the town common, Audacity College, and University of Rockettopia's Redstone Green. The state government quickly ordered partial evacuations of multiple nearby towns after attempts to contact Rockettopia yielded only static and occational musings about how funny it is that, like, we have eyebrows. Like, what are eyebrows really for? Don't they look [giggle] silly?

As of press time, the firefighting planes have been completely ineffectial at stopping the billowing smoke. The USFD has reportedly requested that the military use its orbital water cannons to assist in the firefighting efforts, to which the military has responded by shifting uncomfortably and saying that they certainly don't know what the USFD is talking about. What would they be doing with orbital water cannons? That would be silly, hahaha!

We can only hope that tomorrow, Rockettopia emerges unscathed from what we assume by the smoke must be one of the largest fires in history.


Snipers Patrol Audacity College to Ensure Students Stay In Line for Accepted Students Day

April 16th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

Audacity College students were excited and upbeat today for accepted students day, when students who have been accepted for next year come to see whether this is a good school, or one of those boring ones that makes you take actual classes. The undergrads showing off the beautiful campus and fun student life were motivated by a love of their school, a desire to bring fresh meat new faces to campus for next year, and the three dozen snipers hidden around campus. The trained sharpshooters, hired from Rockettopia's own Pucewater Private Security, maintained a careful watch on students, ensuring that the everyday, just-for-fun frisbee games continued all day and that the study groups hanging out in the courtyard kept studying. Any visitor who noticed an unusual red dot on a student's head would be told that "It's just part of her religion! We're a very accepting and multicultural school!"

Audacity is expected to return to its normal mix of gaming nerddom and pot-smoking tomorrow once the acceptees - and snipers - leave.


Review: The Brothers Grimm Spectactulathon

April 12th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

The Audaspians, Audacity College's unofficial acting group, held their first ever performance over the weekend. The play of choice was The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon, which, after much thought, our drama critic determined was a meta-narritive about a young, aspiring actor named Ollie who is desperately trying to pad his resume. In the story, Ollie is a very good actor, but because he doesn't have much experiance, he gets only a relatively small part in a well-performed but poorly written play: the titular Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon. The play-within-a-play, which takes up the entire play, is a cheap knock-off of the wildly successful The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged) full of broken dialouge and attempts to connect plots that should really have remained seperate. Also, there was something about 'crab people' who will definately never be mentioned again. The play was, on the whole, sickeningly family-friendly, somehow including no referances to cannibalism, talking sausages, human-hedgehog hybrids, more talking sausages, or antisemitism. However, despite the lack of nightmare fuel, the play still managed to be entertaining, thanks to a cast that included many excellant actors and also Steve Davies. In the end, all the other actors get sick from food poisoning and Ollie becomes the star, performing every role in the final act. But what became of the... CRAB PEOPLE!


Audacity College Student Gov't Election Results

March 31st 2016| By J.E.Ditor

Student government elections were announced on Tuesday night in a candy-fueled extravaganza. We were unable to cover the story until now because we have been very busy, and also the town was locked down again after it was discovered that one of the peeps had survived. The presidency was won by Cathy McMurdo, a rising senior majoring in Networking and Cybersecurity. MrMurdo won by a sizable margin despite her opponent's claims that she was born in Raiderton and his promises to 'Build a wall and make Universiry of Rockettopia pay for it!' McMurdo was plagued by contraversey throughout her run, including questions about her stunning four-figure speaking fees from TherMouse and her insinuations that Sodexo food is actually edible. The campaign also survived a scandal in which MrMurdo's vice-president James LaRinne confessed to not smoking marijuana.

The class of 2019 elected Early Childhood Education major LaMari McSmithstein to the student government's senate for her promise to figure out what the student government does. McSmithstein has promised to learn if the student government has money, whether it makes rules, what it does with its money, whether it can legalize marijuana, where it gets its money, if it ever meets, and if it has money at all. She also promises to find out who the other student government senators are, assuming that there are senators other than her, which there might not be. Voters responded strongly to McSmithstein's promise of accountability, and elected her with an overwhelming 90% of the vote.

There is also probably a secretary or something.


Rockettopia on Lockdown after Peeps Escape U of R Lab

March 27th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

As of roughly ten hours ago, the entire town of Rockettopia, along with our neighbors Raiderton and the Grand Duchy of Lincoln-Sudbury is now on lockdown. We would have informed you earlier, but our Internet was knocked out and we were afraid to go out and try to fix it. When we did, we found that the wires were melted and covered with a disgusting sugary substance. We can only speculate, but we assume that this was due to a close call with one of the escaped peeps.

According to reports by those researchers who survived the accident at the University of Rockettopia's Milton S. Hershey Food Science Lab, the peeps escaped the lab after somehow melting their way through two inches of solid steel, and subsequently surviving the five hundred million Gy defensive measure. In less than fifteen seconds, the peeps managed to burrow through the five miles of rock between their underground holding area and the surface. Fortunately, one of the lab techs in the immediate area managed to survive enough to open a communications channel to the main office and let out a blood-curdling scream.

As soon as the University faculty realized that the peeps had somehow escaped their containment unit, the mayor was contacted and a full lockdown of Rockettopia commenced. Citizens have been instructed to stay inside, lock all doors and windows, and avoid being visible to any peeps that might wander by their houses. The mayor took pains to stress that none of these safety precautions would do anything to slow down the peeps, but might make Rockettopians feel safer. "Just like the TSA!", said the mayor.

As of this writing, the lockdown is still in effect. Researchers at the University of Rockettopia, Audacity College, and elsewhere are currently working double-time in an attempt to contain the peep menace. The national guard was briefly called in, but has since fled in panic as they were melted alive by the terrifying marshmallow creatures. If you ever receive another update of News from Rockettopia, it means that we have somehow survived the peep crisis. If not, well...

Good night, Rockettopia, good night.


With New ALICE Protocol, RHS Prepares for Inevitable School Shooting

March 16th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

In preparation for the inevitable mass shooting that will soon strike Rockettopia High School, students at Rockettopia High School today were introduced to ALICE, a security protocol to ensure minimum deaths in the event of a mass shooting. "Given the incredible academic stresses placed upon students at Rockettopia High and the loose gun laws in this country, it's a foregone conclusion that at some point, some kid will snap and open fire," the principal of RHS told us. "When this does happen, we want everyone to be ready so that at most, half a dozen of our students die by the hand of a classmate."

ALICE, a program developed to cope with the all-too-common danger of a crazy person shooting up a school or workplace, consists of five steps. The first step, A for Alert, is to agknowlege that a student you might know and study with has gone berserk and now wants to kill you. Despite the hearing constantly on the news about such events, RHS students might have trouble internalizing the fact that it is happening right now and that they are probably about to become a statistic, and then a talking point, and then a fading memory as next week a different mass shooting grabs the spotlight. The 'L' stands for lockdown - use furniture to barricade doors, because if our school is going to behave like a war zone, it might as well look like one too. More importantly. Containing the inevitable shooting is vital to minimizing the number of funerals that will soon be held in our shattered town. The 'I' stands for 'inform': Police, families, and EMTs should be informed about the shooting. They will probably be expecting it, because in this school half the students are already being pushed to mental breakdowns. It's actually kind of amazing that a mass shooting hasn't happened already. The 'C' stands for 'Counter'. Students were instructed to make noise and throw things at the shooter in order to reduce his ability to aim. After all, a thrown iPhone is a decent counter to an AR-15, right? Finally, the 'E' stands for 'Evacuate'. Technically, this means that in the event of a shooting, students should escape as quickly as possible. However, in practice this means leaving right now and finding safety in a country where being shot at is not a predictable part of the education experience.

The NRA expressed a grudging approval of RHS' response plan. "We created a national environment where 'being shot by a classmate having a psychotic breakdown' is a completely legitimate fear for a high-school student," NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre told News from Rockettopia. "Now it's time to deal with the consequences. The NRA would obviously prefer to arm all teachers, students, and class pets, but this is nonetheless a step in the right direction."


Sticky Note Situation Ends with Stunning Events

January 27th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

As you all certainly now know, the strange events centering around mysterious sticky notes appear to have come to an end. The posters and sticky notes encouraging people to "be yourself" and "live your dreams" had been increasing in volume since last Wednesday, but the problem only became apparent on tuesday, as entire rooms were overrun by the slips of paper. The Build Your Own busness Lab was completely overrun that morning, leading the BYOB Lab to move to the Abstinence League headquarters, which has been abandoned for years. This led Campus Public Safety to ban students from entering the Abstinence League Headquarters, lest they encounter a busness manager. At this point, we dispatched one of our interns, Ellen Kalanski, to investigate the pamphlet.

At this point, what we can say with certainty breaks down. We have found what appear to be Ellen's notes in among the ruins, but without Ellen herself, we can't confirm anything. This is what the notes say:

'Everyone else has fled the Student Life building, which is why I was so surprised to find the man who calls himself John Smith standing next to a strange machine, surrounded by walls covered with posters, flyers, sticky-notes, and adorable rubber ducks. "This is your last chance! I don't want to do this! Stop multiplying; go back to just living alongside the humans, and I won't have to destroy you!" At this point, Mr. Smith was hit in the head by a rubber duck, which didn't seem to affect him much, but it was followed by a wave of ducks which appeared to be leaping at him. Mr. Smith turned and shouted to me to run as he followed his own advice. As we fled, I looked back to see a flood of motivational slogans hot on our heels, but Mr. Smith pulled out a tool and pointed it at the ceiling, at which point a pipe burst and the posters were soaked. 'I'm the Doctor', he told me as we escaped.
"What ARE those... things?", I ask the man who calls himself the Doctor.
"They're called the Palakili. They're shape-shifting aliens that feed on self-esteem. You find them almost everywhere, but usually they lay low. They're symbiotes - they take a form that encourages people and feed off the excess positive energy. Since they can't live without their companion beings, they usually don't reproduce enough to become a real threat." Nothing too unusual about that. I had suspected that the posters were some kind of evil spirits like the ones that infected the writing implements last year, but his explanation made even more sense. "But if the... Palakili don't reproduce enough to become a threat, what happened here?", I asked.
"Usually. They usually don't reproduce to become a threat. But here we have an out-of-control a colony; a tumor I would call it. It's like a cancer; usually some kind of instinct prevents them from multiplying self-destructively, but here, here something has gone wrong, and they've forgotten to stop!" "Then what do we do?"
"There's only one thing to do: The corrupt colony has to be destroyed before it metastasizes and overruns your whole planet. In that room, I had a device that will drain their life-force, but I tried to negotiate with them instead of just destroying them. Now we're cut off from the machine, and it's out of range of my screwdriver!" At this point, he held up his device. "I need to find an amplifier of some kind. I could use the TARDIS, but the Palakili have us cut off from it too. Where around here can I find somewhere to amplify the signal? Think think think think THINK"
"How about the computer lab?"
"No, those don't have the hyperwave modulators that I need to adjust for amplification! If I rewire the microwaves in the kitchen with the artifacts in the unholy circle..."
At this point, I was desperate, so I broke the most important rule. "Well, we do have a certain... something else."
"If I reverse the wave frequency, then I can fashion a makeshift turbo encabulator, and... wait, what?"
"I'm not supposed to tell aliens this - you're an alien, right? - but Audacity College has a..."
"A what?"
"A secret lab where the Department of Alien Studies examines stolen alien technology."
"Where did you get that?" "Probably from you, which is why we're not supposed to mention it to aliens!", I shouted to his retreating back. "Maybe I should tell you where to find it!"
There probably won't be time to write again after this. The Doctor rigged something up really quickly, but he says that if he activates the device, I might be killed or mentally traumatized. I told him that I've already seen a stand-up comedian at the Grind, and if that didn't traumatize me, nothing will. He is now telling me that I don't understand. He says that since the Palakili live off positivity, the only way he can kill them all is to drain all the positive energy from Audacity college. He says that it will only take a second for them to starve, but that anyone within the blast radius will experiance the worst mental trauma any being can experience: a feeling of total worthlessness. That's why he couldn't activate the device until now. I'm telling him that it's okay, and I'm not afraid to die to stop the tumor. He says it's worse than death; far worse. I told him that I already took Concepts of Self; I know crushing despair. He said it's worse. I said it can't be worse than that. Oh, he says, but it is. There's a button behind him that I think activates the device. I'm going to make a lunge for it. If I don't come back, tell my family I love them, and my boyfriend that if he even touches that skank Kristen, death will not protect him from my fury.

It is my pleasure and my sad duty to report that the 'palakili' are gone, now, along with this 'Doctor', Ellen, and the strange blue box that mysteriously appeared in the lounge last week. Anyone with knowledge of the whereabouts of the Doctor or Ellen should contact the Rockettopia Police Department's "Alien Situations" office.


Strange Sticky-Note Presence Grows around Audacity College

January 22nd 2016| By J.E.Ditor

Over the last few days, a series of strange, inexplicable sticky notes have been taking over Audacity College. The first one was spotted on a water bottle filling station in the student life center two days ago, and read "Keep Calm and be Body Positive". Within a few hours, similar notes had appeared in a nearby girls' bathroom. They contain messages like "Believe in Your Inner Power" and "Tough Odds just make Victory Sweeter". Yesterday, a dozen more notes were spotted throughout the student life center, and today there have been reports of inspirational quotes, some of them accompanied by images. After one note covered an important sign, a member of the maintenance staff attempted to remove it. According to what he has said since, when he reached to pull down the sticky note he was overcome with a feeling of positivity and self-appreciation. Pulling down the sticky note, he told us, would have been robbing people of the note's enlightening power.

On an unrelated note, a strange man showed up on Wednesday. He wears a bow-tie, and a jacket. He has identified himself as John Smith, and when necessary has always been able to produce an ID, but nobody we spoke to had ever seen him before this week. Mr. Smith has shown a remarkable interest in the sticky-notes; according to one report, he was observed pointing a strange, whirring tool at one of them and murmuring "what are you?"

More on the strange sticky-notes and Mr. Smith as we learn more.


STDs 'Really Excited' for Resumption of College Life

January 17th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

As college life is set to resume over the next few days, students and professors have been quivering with anticipation and terror, respectively. But no one, not even the local bartenders who are currently crouching behind barstool barracades with shotguns, are quite as excited as Rockettopia's new batch of STDs. Sexuallly transmitted diseases and infections from around the world, both returning veterans and new arrivals, are thrilled to return to the endless extravaganzas that are University of Rockettopia and Audacity College.

One returning syphilis infection told News from Rockettopia, "I'm really excited to be back! Last sememster I got to switch hosts fifteen times, and just before it was time to leave I ended up with this Sigma Alpha Epsilon brother. Back in Conneticut, I got to infect so many of his childhood friends - it was such a blast. I can't wait to get back to school, though!"

The excitement was not limited to returning diseases; newcomers showed just as much excitement, like this chlymidia we talked to. "Until recently, my life was really boring; I was living on a koala who played a lot of D&D, so no action there. But then, one day, this guy comes along with this strange intrest in koalas, and long story short, here I am! All the other diseases on this guy have told me all about this 'University of Rockettopia' place, and I can't wait to experiance it for myself! There must be so many new koalas!"

Some diseases will have to contend with students who may have acquired new immunities, but an HPV virus we spoke to didn't seem too concerned. "Sure, some people will be vaccinated, but not many, and there's always danger in life," the virus told us. "There will always be plenty of hosts to give cancer to."

Please fuck responsibly.


Audacity College White Student Union Opens, Impressively Boasts Zero Swastikas

November 23rd 2015| By J.E.Ditor

Over the past week, over thirty colleges have seen outbreaks of so-called 'White Student Unions'. This trend began at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign, and has since spread to dozens of colleges across America. As of today, that list includes our very own Audacity College. No one is sure if this trend is a response to #BlackLivesMatter, the Syrian refugee crisis, or simply an ongoing trend toward racial equality, but privileged white millennials certainly seem to be losing their shit. "It's outrageous that when blacks found a student union, they're 'civil rights activists', but when whites found one, we're 'racists'", one of the roughly four dozen Matts at Audacity told News from Rockettopia. "It's time to take our country back! But not like that. You know what I mean."

The Audacity College White Student Union was founded earlier today, has so far accumulated an impressive five likes, and an even more impressive zero swastikas. As of this time, no cross burnings have been planned, but we at News from Rockettopia can't promise anything on that front. We will continue to provide updates until this page is taken down twenty-four hours from now.

28th January 2022

Haha good post! We are at 60 likes now!


Rockettopia Makes Frantic Final Halloween Preparations

October 30th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

With All Hallows' Eve once again right around the corner, the town of Rockettopia spent the last week frantically completing the final preparations. Many of the precautions were in response to the catastrophe that unfolded last Halloween. For example, an extra row of electrified barricades have been placed on College Street to provide increased defense for the downtown district. All alcohol in Rockettopia will also be moved to a secure vault under town hall, which everyone agrees is something we really should have thought of years ago. The vault will be guarded by members of the city council in person; unfortunately, this will probably be very boring, but I'm sure they will find something to do.

Existing safety precautions have also been stepped up a notch. The entrenchments surrounding the eastern residential districts will be guarded by an elite force of police fusiliers in addition to the usual neighborhood watch troops. The police have also supplied two tear gas howitzers, although these will hopefully not be necessary. In addition, the evacuation of all residents of the college district has been changed from a 'suggestion' to an 'order' following numerous deaths in previous years. City Hall has also issued temporary home insurance to any and all citizens living near University of Rockettopia, although some critics have argued that anyone owning real estate in such an obviously hazardous area deserves whatever comes to them.

However, by far the most extreme defensive positions are around the First Wiccan Temple of Rockettopia. Barbed wire, three SWAT teams, land mines, some new 'toys' from the RHS Robotics Club, and the tank that usually guards the border with Raiderton. Citizens not involved in the defense are strongly encouraged not to go near, look at, or think about the Wiccan Temple during halloween.

If all else fails, citizens are urged to take shelter at the community farm at the old nuclear missile silo, or in the Forbidden Dog Park right next door. (The city council would like us to remind you that dogs, dog owners, and dog lovers are welcome at the Forbidden Dog Park from dawn till dusk all year long. Plans to change the name are still in the works.) From there, we will attempt to hold out until extraction.

The one place in town that has not been secured is the ancient hippie burial ground, as nothing too bad has ever really happened there. Yes, every halloween the hippie ghosts rise and play guitars at locals, but this is relatively harmless and no excuse for acts of aggression. True, shooting the hippie ghosts will not harm them, but it hurts their feelings, and everyone knows that ghosts are very sensitive. The hippie ghosts will also encourage trick-or-treaters to take up drugs, but this is an important life experiance for any child.

Finally, a few words of advice from the writers here at NR:

  • The likelihood of children being drugged or poisoned by Halloween candy is essentially zero. Instead, kids should be instructed to watch out for more realistic dangers such as cars, supernatural entities, dire coyotes, republican campaign operatives, and people giving out organic gluten-free all-natural non-GMO candy.
  • If, God forbid, you see a member of Sigma Alpha Epsilon who may have slipped through the perimeter, do not attempt to capture him yourself. Instead, call the Fratboy Control hotline and wait for the professionals at Fratboy Control to come and take him to the local fratboy shelter.
  • It is important to be able to distinguish between dangerous demonic possession and normal, responsible demonic possession. Be sure to consult the brochure on possession that was sent to all citizens earlier this week for details.
  • If your children do not return from trick-or-treating by four in the morning, ground them. You have to set limits and enforce them, or else your children might grow up to be libertarians. I know it's hard to hear, but this is important for everyone.


Wiccan Temple of Rockettopia Definitely Not Connected to Strange Noises; Screams During Eclipse

September 30th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

In a statement issued today, the First Wiccan Temple of Rockettopia denied any connection to the strange noises and screams heard during the lunar eclipse earlier this week. In a statement today, the Temple,s president Raven Luna Caderyn said, "The indescribable noises, piercing shrieks, and occasional moans of pleasure that were heard coming from the town forest had nothing to do with us. We are a normal, non-sacrificy religion that does not engage in blood-orgies in the name of the goddess. Who said anything about blood-orgies? I didn't say anything about blood-orgies. What's a blood-orgy?"

In the weeks leading up to the supermoon eclipse, which had not happened for thirty-three years and will not happen again for another eighteen years, many in town had speculated that the Wiccans would hold a special festival to signify this rare astronomical event. These suspicions were strengthened by the mass adoption of dozens of stray puppies from the local animal shelter, all of whom had the rare DEA 1.1+ blood type. Concerned about the potential for town-wide disaster, and remembering the apocalyptic scene following the 2012 'Transit of Venus Ritual Incident', the town banned the Temple from conducting any ritual that could potentially result in damage to the fabric of reality. However, after lawsuit and bomb threats from the ACLU, the Council was forced to lower their ban to merely a 'discouragement'.

The Wiccan Temple, for their part, has denied that the supermoon eclipse has any spiritual significance. "The eclipse of the moon is of no importance to the Wiccan faith. We do not believe that it signals an ascension of the god Morrigan, signifying an era of blood lasting until the next eclipse. No one is saying that." Following this denial, Caderyn continued, "In fact, I hadn't even heard about the eclipse! I don't even know what an eclipse is! Or a moon, for that matter! What's a moon? Is it like the sun, but at night? Is that it?" Ms. Caderyn refused to take questions from the press.


For Lunar Eclipse, U of R Students Point Telescopes Skyward For Once

September 30th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

In a present deviation from their usual activities, University of Rockettopia students reportedly used their numerous telescopes to actually look at the sky last weekend. According to sources, the U of R astronomy club actually used the telescopes in their sorority-adjacent observatory to observe the rare supermoon eclipse, instead of whatever it is they usually do with their battery of high-end observational equipment. The reports indicate that the students spent nearly half an hour looking through the telescopes at the eerily red moon before resuming whatever it is they usually do with their telescopes on Sunday nights.


Amid Controversy, Pres. McDonald Cancels "Politically Incorrect" Disney Caricature Event

September 22nd 2015| By J.E.Ditor

Following protests and condemnation, Audacity College's president Johnathan McDonald canceled Spirit Week's "Disney Caricature" event today. The plan was to have volunteer student artists draw caricatures of interested students in the fireside lounge, but the event drew the ire of professors claiming to represent the princess community. Calling the event "Cultural appropriation" and "Blackface in tiara form", the outraged faculty demanded that president cancel the caricature event, which he did. We attempted to contact various famous princesses from around the world, but of those who responded to our emails, not a single one had heard of Audacity College or objected in any way to the caricature event. According to Kate Middleton, the event "sounds like a lot of fun" and the cancellation was "quite silly". When confronted with this evidence, the protesting faculty called Middleton the "Rachel Dolezal of princesses" and pointed out that she was born a commoner and is still actually not a princess at all but the 'Duchess of Cambridge'. They then called for Middleton to retract her "politically incorrect" statement and resign from something, although no one's yet figured out what. The rest of Spirit Week is scheduled to continue as planned.

In a big victory for Audacity today, the ghosts who yesterday rose from the dead and demanded to be given control of the college for Spirit Week have agreed to return to their graves. This came after a night of tense negotiations, which were resolved when the ghosts agreed to leave this mortal coil in exchange for certain unspecified concessions. In related news, a live demonstration of the life of Calvin Coolidge, who was apparently a US President and was married in Rockettopia, will be taking place on Saturday at Coolidge House. A spokesman for the Audacity College administration told reporters that the mass arrival of students wielding proton packs was unrelated to the ghost treaty.

The Weeping Angels have been contained to Lyman Hall by a round-the-clock vigil of watchers. Good job, watchers, keep it up! And remember, DON'T BLINK. A long-term solution to the angel situation is currently in the works, but in the mean time, any students who still need to fulfill the community service portion of the LEAD requirement are encouraged to report to Lyman Hall to assist in the containment. All students will also be required to attend an Alien Life-Form Safety seminar at some point over the next week.


Audacity College Survives First Day of Spirit Week

September 21st 2015| By J.E.Ditor

Against all expectations, Audacity College seems to have survived the first day of Spirit Week. It is possible that I am speaking prematurely, since as of this writing there are still a few minutes left of Monday, but with the Angels contained, the ghosts currently in negotiations, and only two remaining beavers, it seems safe to assume that Audacity has made it through Monday with no fatalities.

The festivities began to go wrong when the beavers that were released at breakfast turned out to be rabid. In hindsight, the Audacity College department of School Spirit has said that perhaps they should not have purchased discount beavers from that guy on a streetcorner who said they had fallen off a truck. Three dozen students have recieved rabies shots and are currently recovering in Rockettopia's Mary Mallon Hospital.

Audacity College President Johnathan McDonald would like us to not speak in depth about the ghosts while negotiations are still in progress, except to reiterate that the dead's misinterpretation of spirit week is being viewed as a harmless mistake and that Bill Murray is currently on standby if negotiations fail.

However, the real disaster came during stoop decorating, when the residents of Lyman Hall decided to celebrate the season premiere of Doctor Who by decorating their Res Hall with imagery from the show. Apparently, the residents of Lyman knew just enough Doctor Who lore to make incredibly accurate statues of Weeping Angels, but did not know enough to know that you should NEVER EVER DO THIS. President McDonald has released a statement saying that Audacity's Department of Alien Studies is looking into a way to defeat the angels, that students should not panic, and that he is definitely not currently hiding under his desk. McDonald added that classes are scheduled to continue normally tomorrow in all areas not effected by the Angels.

Stay safe, students!


Jensen Closes Borders as Bankus Refugee Crisis Worsens

September 17th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

Under pressure from fed-up residents, RAs at the Jensen residence hall at Audacity College announced today that Jensen would no longer be admitting refugees from the ongoing wild party at neighboring Bankus hall. The party originated on September 14th in the third floor common room of Bankus Hall with four guys and three girls hanging out together and eating doritoes, but when one resident opened a case of beers, the party began to escalate. On the fifteenth, it had spread to the entire third floor and was creeping down the stairs, and marijuana use began to intensify. Campus Public Safety was called, but decided that the party was not quite worth making a scene over. However, they did make a definitive, with the head of CPS saying, "A red line for us is we start seeing a whole bunch of cocaine moving around or being utilized." At this point, Bankus had already become so vomit-encrusted and unlivable that less wild residents began fleeing to neighboring res halls. On the sixteenth, the party grew to fully dominate the two upper floors, and that night, the first evidence came out of cocaine use.

CPS immediately began preparing to close down the party, but an agreement was reached in which the party could continue as long as the party turned over all the cocaine and super-promised not to use anymore. Reports have since indicated that cocaine use didn't even slow down, but at this point CPS was afraid to touch another Bankus Hall quagmire after what had happened the last time they had tried to shut down a party. Students from other res halls, and even as far away as University of Rockettopia, began to pour into Bankus to participate in the party, leading to even more refugees making the dangerous trek across Tower Terrace to the safety of Jensen.

That brings us to today, when in response to the dozens of Bankus residents who now appeared to be living in their hall, the Jensen RAs declared that no further refugees from the Bankus party would be allowed in. This has drawn massive criticism from student rights groups, who have insisted that Jensen has a moral obligation to accept those fleeing from the Bankus party because they just want to get some goddamn sleep. However, some students, especially in Jensen, have expressed fears that these so-called "refugees" could be undercover partiers who might spread the party to Jensen. We will keep you posted as this story continues, which is something that I actually mean this time.


Local Trees Kinda Freaked Out by Sudden Interest from University of Rockettopia Students

September 9th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

Over the last few hours, the YikYak feed for University of Rockettopia has become dominated by posts expressing love for trees, for some reason, leading to concern among the Rockettopia tree comunity. As posts like "I may be a tree and still the sausage" have proliferated over the last few hours, local trees have expressed confusion. "[creaking wood] [rustling leaves] [subtilly different creaking wood] [whistling of wind]", a somewhat freaked-out local birch told News from Rockettopia. "[a series of sounds that cannot even be described]" A few trees have passed by mere concern and moved on to fear, noting that generally when University of Rockettopia students mention plants, those plants are quickly ground up, wrapped in paper, and lit on fire.

University of Rockettopia students have responded to the issue with a resounding "What the fuck are you talking about?"


Audacity College Establishes Review Board to Clarify Extension Cord Policies

August 29th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

Following numerous complaints regarding the policy on extension cords in dormitories, the principal president of Audacity College (Rockettopia's greatest institute of higher learning) established a review board to compile, clarify, and rewrite the extension cord policies. Although the freshmen arrived only yesterday and classes have yet to start, the change is already overdue. According to one freshman we interviewed, "The rules are too damn complected. Our RA told us that extension cords were allowed only with surge protectors, the staff told us no extension cords at all, the oracle told me that extension cords are the work of Ba'al the soul-eater and must be purged from the earth, and that guy over at Sigma Alpha Epsilon told me that I could have an extension cord only if I did engaged in an obscene activity with him and some of his buddies. Those are some seriously mixed messages."

Although the board only began their work today, they have already been making headlines. The issue of chain power strips, which are allowed according to the RAs and the campus guide but banned by the head of CPS is still not resolved, In addition, the Rockettopia Society for Public Morality has kept the decades-old town-wide ban on power strips from being repealed (Electric transfer should be between one plug and one outlet!). It also did not help that the Department of Society for Public Morality opposes all kinds of protection in the belief that it leads to excessive plugging, which should occur only for the purposes of electrical transfer after an installation performed by a trained electrical engineer.

As the Society for Public Morality continues their doomed crusade against obscene circuitry practices, the Extension Cord Board will continue to review Audacity College's entire Extension Cord Code along with all related College Court decisions, going all the way back to a dispute over an overextended line shaft from 1879. For the record, the owner was at fault for the tragic accident involving his roommate's girlfriend's hair. All that can be said so far is that, despite rumors to the contrary, neither garlic nor crucifixes can be used on dorm room doors to keep RAs from searching the rooms.

Expect updates if as this issue is cleared up.


Teenage Boy Goes Away to College, Donates Large Collection of Rocks to Day-Care Center

August 27th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

As a local teenage boy cleaned out his room for a final time in preparation for his move to college, he donated his collection of unusual and exotic rocks to a local daycare. The rocks, which have been whittled down by purges, accidents, and yard sales over the years, were placed in a plastic trash bag. Supposedly, the bag was intended to be destined for the attic, but instead the rocks somehow ended up at a local day-care, where they met lots of new rocks.

However, as fate would have it, the daycare center was actually a prison ruled by the rose quartz fist of a pink bear-shaped rock. After a heart-pounding escape and many adventures, the rocks finally found their way home. Their owner, realizing that his rock-years were behind him, gave them to a young girl who loves rocks as much as he did. As he drove away to college, the rocks silently said goodbye to their old friend as millions of onlookers smiled and cried.


Rockettopia Shut Down for 18 Hours after Shrubbery Mistaken for Escaped Fugitives

June 12th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

The entire town of Rockettopia was placed on lockdown yesterday after a local resident mistook a pair of unusually-shaped bushes for escaped murderers David Sweat and Richard Matt. Sweat and Matt escaped from the Clinton Correctional Facility on June 6th, dealing a substantial blow to the prison's reputation and to Hillary's 2016 bid. According to the information currently available, Sweat and Matt were assisted by prison employee Joyce Mitchell. Matt, by the current accounts, seduced Mitchell and convinced her to aid in the escape. According to Detective David Bentley, who helped capture Matt in 1997, Matt is "Very handsome and, in all frankness, very well endowed. He gets girlfriends any place he goes." Bentley continued, "Yeah, he sure is good looking. When he walks in wearing only his underwear, just... wow!" As the reporters began to whisper and back away, a seemingly entranced Bentley concluded, "Honestly, it's kind of amazing this didn't happen sooner; I'd do anything to get a piece of that ass..." Authorities are currently engaged in a massive hunt for Sweat and Matt. They say that if you see them, do not attempt to apprehend them and contact the authorities immediately. In addition, do not under any circumstances allow Matt to drop his pants.

For a few hours yesterday, it looked like the search for Matt and Sweat was over after a Rockettopia resident called police to report that he had seen the duo in a public park, standing very still and covered in leaves. The town was immediately placed on lockdown and the national guard was called in. However, after an eighteen-hour search failed to find any trace of Sweat and Matt, the guard concluded that there had been a false alarm. However, the anonymous resident who called the police remains steadfast, saying in a news conference earlier today that he "Just knew" that the pair of privet bushes were "definitely suspicious" and that the authorities were "arrogant" to call off their search so soon. We will bring you more updates concerning Sweat and Matt as the search continues.


Gamers Disappointed to Learn that Assassin's Creed Skill Does Not Translate to Assassins Skill

May 7th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

As the RHS Senior Assassins game began this week, the gamer segment of the community was shocked and disappointed to learn that their extensive experience with Assassin's Creed did not give them any advantage in the game. Surprisingly, skill with wrist knives, the ability to press buttons really, really fast, and experience killing Templars conferred no ability at tracking down and shooting teenagers with water guns. "I've beaten all the games on brutal difficulty, so I thought I'd be fine," local gamer Stephen Thomas told News from Rockettopia. "But when I tried to hide from my assassin by crouching in tall grass, he just started laughing uncontrollably and then squirted me once he caught his breath!"

In definitely completely unrelated news, the Engineering Club has claimed that their recent acquisition of staggering amounts of fertilizer and strange activities near the dam are "completely harmless".


Principal Resigns amid Presumable Controversy

May 2nd 2015| By J.E.Ditor

The principal of Rockettopia High School resigned today following allegations. At the moment, the content of the allegations, date of the allegations, and the name of the alligator are still undisclosed. The principal will be investigated by Rockettopia Public School officials this Wednesday, at which point we will have more news. Hopefully, this investigation will determine if any wrongdoing occurred, what wrongdoing may or may not have occurred, when it occurred, where it occurred, and who it was occurred upon. We may even discover the principal's name and gender, which have been mysteries to RHS staff and students for years.

The office of the superintendent will neither confirm nor deny that the principal's resignation relates to the new doorbell at the high school, which is just stupid.


After April Break, RHS Seniors Brace For Final Stretch of Slacking Off

April 30th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

As students at RHS returned from spring break this week, the senior class began the final blazing stretch of slacking off. With only a month left until graduation, the seniors are now putting all possible effort into not really caring about their studies, because now that college admissions are all back, nothing really matters. "It's a lot of work," senior Zach Schienfeld told News from Rockettopia. "But I've managed to go down an entire letter grade in English." Current predictions are that seniors will have fully lost interest in school by the time of their finals.

In related news, the high-school juniors are unusually resentful right now.


Senior Class Instructed to Stop Doing Drugs; "We're Serious This Time", says Administration

April 13th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

In a special assembly during homeroom today, the school administration told the senior class that they should really lay off the drugs until graduation. The administration passed out forms to all the seniors which the seniors and their parents had to sign, promising that the seniors would cease doing drugs for a month before graduation. "I'm aware that technically, drinking and smoking on school property is illegal all year around, but this time we really mean it," the principal told News from Rockettopia." If you smoke or drink on school property during this time, you will be in a lot of trouble."

The principal concluded his announcement with his daily warning that a rabid wolf had somehow found its way into the school.


Our Mr. Rockettopia Predictions

March 30th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

The annual Mr. Rockettopia competition will be held this Wednesday in the auditorium at 7:00 PM. As many readers will know, Mr. Rockettopia is a talent show in which seniors showcase their looks and talents in a battle to be voted this year's Mr. Rockettopia. Talents that are showcased include music, dancing, and comedy. One contestant this year had planned to do 'reverse stripping' as his talent, but this was vetoed by the administration on the grounds that they couldn't figure out what he meant but were too embarrassed to say so.

The administration was given veto power after an unfortunate incident in 2003 when a contestant showcased his talent for doing many, many different kinds of drugs at once. By the time security tackled him thirty seconds into his performance, he had used alcohol, tobacco, marijuana, cocaine, LSD, heroin, meth, toads, mushrooms, ecstasy, and something that he has to this day refused to name. The very, very hardworking staff of the Mary Mellon hospital later told News from Rockettopia that the incident was "unique" and "bizarre" and that it had "required that they develop completely new ways of detoxing patients". One Mary Mellon doctor won a Nobel prize in medicine two years later for his paper on the interaction LSD with alcohol, heroin, marijuana, and psychedelic mushrooms. The contestant recovered and graduated later that year (After serving two detentions for his "little stunt"). There is a shrine to him behind the garage in the lower lot and the Existential Club still celebrates his birthday every year.

The Mr. Rockettopia race this year is still very much up in the air, but we're willing to make a few predictions. First, there is a roughly 5% chance that something else will go wrong with the electrical grid, and the event will have to be postponed again. There is a 18% chance that all but one of the contestants will suffer mysterious injuries or deaths in the next twenty-four hours. The chance that at least one competitor will be disqualified for being a reptilianoid is roughly 8%. The chance that at least one competitor will be eaten by the strange creature that spends the day in the art department and sneaks out at night to feed on the janitors is 22%, with an error bar of +-4 points. The police assure us that the chance that the bagpipers trapped in the supply closet will escape and play bagpipes at the audience is very small, but they have positioned officers with ear protection around the closet anyway. The chance that a contestant will do another stupid fucking magic show is 95%. The chance that it will be annoying is 99%.

In summary, our pick to win Mr. Rockettopia this year is a toss-up between Zayn from One Direction and Texas senator Ted Cruz. Be sure to attend!


RHS Celebrates MLK Day & Cultural Proficiency with African-American-Themed Day

January 20th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

Rockettopia High School celebrated inclusiveness and African-American culture today with a variety of activities, themes, and special events honoring the history and culture of African-Americans in America. The day started with a man dressed as Martin Luther King Jr. greeting students with irritating adapted quotes. He looked absolutely nothing like Dr. King and said annoying things like, "I have a dream... that you will have a nice day!". After multiple complaints, the man was removed, but the day was only getting started. Signs were posted around the school saying "RHS Students like that our friends are fun and 56% do not use racial slurs in a typical month! The Hawaiian Alphabet has 12 letters!"

Teachers were encouraged to talk in the style of African-Americans to get in the spirit of the day. Thankfully, very few of them did, with one telling News from Rockettopia, "Jesus Christ! I can't believe the shit we have to put up with." Lunch consisted entirely of watermelon and fried chicken, served by real black people African Americans.

Following the lunch, the school held an assembly in which the administration showed a video of Dr. King's famous "I have a dream" speech and then spoke about how it's important to display cultural proficiency and to tolerate people with different backgrounds than our own. He then invited the school's African-American students to stand up and talk about their experiences, but all of the African-American students had already slipped out and presumably were running away as fast as possible. The principal coughed, and then led the remaining students in a chorus of "We Shall Overcome".

At the end of the day, the administration played Accidental Racist on the loudspeakers to a shocked silence.
We await the lawsuits.


Chorus Involved in Occult Activities

January 18th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

A startling discovery made in the chorus room on Friday strongly suggests that the chorus is involved in some kind of satanic cult. The obvious response to that is "Yeah, that's not really news." However, this isn't just the normal occultism associated with chorus - this is an actual satanic cult document. The document, with its original capitalization and spelling, reads:

top Left I see eather the DeviL or a cow witch Looks Like it has a thirD
eye anD Fire in its mouth.
top right I see a Bilding on Fire anD spirits oF the DeaD that DieD in
the Bilding anD a guy eather calling something mayBe goD.
Bottom Left I see a guy DeaD mayBe impaLed By what Looks Like
an axe.
Bottom Right I see a guy that Looks Like hes tn a gontLet

The content raises many questions, most notably being "Am I reading this right?", "What the hell did I just read?", "Are you serious?" and "Does the chorus really have such bad spelling?". The answers to all these questions are "yes". Except for the third one; to answer that, start reading this article from the beginning.

There are two conclusions to draw about the content of this document, drugs and satanic rituals. However, we spoke the the Wicca club, which to be clear, has NO CONNECTION TO SATANISM, and they were able to straighten things out. "The note contains many details that suggest satanism as opposed to simple drug use. Not that we would know anything about satanism." The Wiccan coughed, and then continued, "The way that the lines are slanted indicates a different kind of altered state than one associated with drugs - this state is definitely satanic. Although of course I don't really know anything about satanism. Nope, nothing. Nada." The Wiccan then made some excuses and shuffled away from me.

Whatever the case, an investigation into the chorus' activities is definitely necessary. It's unclear when exactly the note was written - we only know that it was discovered during second-block strings period on Friday, January 16th 2015. For increased clarity I have scanned the note and posted the scan below, despite the chorus director's attempt to destroy it. The problem of the chorus' occult activity has to be dealt with before the Student Council Inquisition gets wind of it - their policy towards satanism is... perhaps a little harsh. I've already said too much. Chorus, if you're going to engage in devil-worship in school, please be more tacit about it.


Bizarre Error Message Most Interesting Part of RHSN Newscast

January 16th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

Following yesterday's RHSN broadcast, students generally agreed that the thirty seconds of red screen was the most interesting part of the broadcast. An impromptu poll showed that roughly eighty percent of students found the red screen reading "Media Offline bspongebon" to be much more interesting and informative than anything else in this week's newscast, or, for that matter, most RHSN newscasts. "The red screen at least made me perk up and think 'What the hell is going on?' for a moment", one student told News from Rockettopia. "Then the anchors came back on and I dozed off again."

RHSN plans to capitalize on this new interest by making every newscast consist entirely of colored screens with meaningless text, which is expected to substantially boost their ratings.


School Board Considers Cutting Funding for Music Department Buzzing Sound

January 12th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

In their meeting last night, the Rockettopia school board considered a proposal to reallocate the funds currently devoted to the annoying buzzing sound that pervades the RHS music department. The buzzing sound, which is found in nearly every practice room, acts as 'quality control' in that it keeps the quality of Rockettopia's performing arts under control. It ensures that despite all possible attempts, students will be unable to effectively practice in the few practice rooms. The avoidance of quality in Rockettopia's performing arts department has been a top priority for years, but in this time of financial troubles, even sacred cows such as quality assurance are on the chopping block.

Those who oppose the removal of the buzzing noise point out the great danger of allowing the performing arts to achieve any reasonable level of quality, and remind everyone what happened the last time the department did something that amazing. "You all remember the blood, the noise, the chaos. The shame of seeing our town on national TV.", said school board member Anika Johnston. "You remember the fires? It took two days for the fires to die out. Never again."

Many board members, however, think that Mrs. Johnston's fears are unwarranted. They point out that the tiny number of practice rooms already keep productivity down, and cite the brilliant work of the music department staff in avoiding excess quality. "The choice of musicals is something for which I'm really proud of the Performing Arts Department staff.", Mr. Steve Sanders told News from Rockettopia. "Who knew that there was a musical called Urinetown? But those geniuses found it and they pulled it off! It more than made up for the dangerously good performance of Les Miserables in '13. I think Curtains, whatever that is, should suffice this year, but I'll admit that I'm a little disappointed that they aren't doing Springtime for Hitler. Still, keep up the good work, folks!"

Other board members have pointed out that cuts to the quality control budget are not unprecedented - nearly a decade ago, budget cuts forced the board to cut the jobs of the grand master bagpipers who had previously provided the annoying buzz. The bagpipers were replaced with the machines that now produce the noise today, which sadly are far less irritating and have therefore driven fewer students insane. (A side note: According to an anonymous source told us that the bagpipers are actually still in the high school. According to our source, they are in room 227, which does not appear on any maps, is sealed with two padlocks and a foot of concrete, is painted to look like a wall, and labeled "Broom Closet. Beware of Leopard")

Due to the compelling arguments on both sides, the debate remains heated, although the recent flooding of the music department has substantially helped the case of those who say that music students are suffering enough even without the buzzing sound. Still, the supporters of the buzzing sound are standing firm. Whatever the outcome, we'll give the last word to Steve Sanders: "It's time to stop wasting taxpayer dollars on the annoying buzzing sound and just let the music teachers do their job."


The 2014 Pep Rally: What Went Wrong and Why

December 19th 2014| By J.E.Ditor

I originally began the process of writing about the pep rally with the intent to write a normal article: start with something real, then add some stuff to make it (ideally) funny. But as I spoke to people, I realized that this was a big deal, and I felt that I had an obligation to report the truth, the whole truth, and (For once) nothing but the truth. What you are about to read is as accurate an account of the events surrounding the pep rally as I could get. I would like to thank everyone whom I interviewed for this article, especially those who put their disciplinary records in danger by talking to me. Their names, along with some sensitive personal information, has been redacted for their safety. I will refer to them as Deep Throat, Hobbes, Hashemi, and TJW (TJW stands for Thomas J. Walsh, a top investigator in the famous Teapot Dome scandal). I would also like to thank the school administration for taking time to respond to my questions, despite the fact that they have no oversight over what I write.

One more note: Throughout this article, I have used gender-neutral pronouns such as ze when referring to anonymous sources.

It should go without saying that, at school assemblies, chants of "Bullshit! Bullshit!" are never followed by anything good.

The pep rally incident, along with the events that caused it and the various ensuing consequences, have been the talk of the school for the last two weeks. The administration has blamed the incident on student disrespect, while the student body has blamed the administration for cuts and censorship. My investigation suggests that, as is so often the case, both sides are partially right. It's probably best to start with what everyone agrees on.

The pep rally occurred on November 26th, 2014. The beginning of the rally was, as far as I can gather, fairly normal. The main issue was the video made by the senior class, which has been a tradition for six years now. The video was heavily censored, incoherent, and worst of all, it was abruptly cut off by the administration five minutes before the ending. This last offense was too much for the students, and a chant of "Bullshit! Bullshit!" began. The chanting was eventually silenced, and the rally continued as planned. After the school returned from thanksgiving break, which directly follows the pep rally, our school principal, Dr. Pizzi made a morning announcement stating that he was disappointed by the conduct of the students - I seem to remember that the hated word "immature" came up - and that there may not be a pep rally video next year (As you will see, the "may" was somewhat of a misstatement).

Planning the Rally

TJW tells me that the pep rally video has been controversial ever since it began, however, ze said that this year, the students had tried more stuff, and the administration had been harsher in their censorship. Ze say that a lot of the problem is the changing culture of our school.

i think the culture of the school has changed a lot from what the pep rally originally was. this year was the beginning of being more strict about what can be shown and said, because the focus in the school on acceptance and diversity and respect has increased a ton over the past 2 years. the staff had this thought shift in mind, but the students haven't picked up the trend. why that has happened is a whole other issue/debate/conversation

I approached the school administration and asked for a response to some comments made by student sources, among them, this one by TJW. The administration responded,

We have been doing a lot of work as a staff and school community around cultural proficiency and school climate over the last few years. Many staff members and even students have taken leadership roles in the effort. We are constantly striving to reach a place where everyone acknowledges and embraces cultural differences and respects human dignity.

However, it's not entirely clear to me how "embracing cultural differences" and "respecting human dignity" relate to the pep rally video. Aside from the scene that was cut for being "transphobic", which we will return to later, most of the content was cut to keep it "school appropriate". A more questionable scene involved English teachers perform human sacrifice. Deep Throat tells me that

The big piece of censorship was that of the english department scene
they were against the pentagram and the rope around the neck (not because there was any resemblence of a noose)
Their reasoning was that it was "too violent"

Now, putting aside that in my view, human sacrifice is actually less horrific than what goes on at my English class on a daily basis, it's unclear what was so violent. First of all, an earlier scene that involved a student being stabbed to death was not cut, nor was a later scene where one of the heroes is killed with a stapler, and if they were controversial, not a single source told me. Secondly, we're high school students! Keeping with the theme of the English department, every student at our school reads Of Mice and Men in freshman year, and some read the famous holocaust novel Night. More importantly, the scene was not a dark scene, it's just funny. In a very eloquent letter to the administration, Deep Throat pointed out this out, citing the lighting and the lack of any kind of violence. Unfortunately, for security reasons, I cannot quote from this letter, but suffice to say, Deep Throat made his point very well and is a much better writer than I am.

However, the most widely cited complaint against the administration's handling of the pep rally video was the timing of their edits. According to Deep Throat, the administration told the movie team to cut the scene with the 'transphobic' tank top literally the day before the pep rally, despite the fact that the administration had seen the video, including that part, already - three times. When I asked the administration about this, they responded,

I appreciate the time and energy that was put into the production of the video and do apologize if I was not clear from the start about the revision process and the possibility of cuts throughout. In overseeing the video screening process, I tried to find a balance between the students' goal of entertaining their target audience and my responsibility of ensuring a safe environment for all students and staff.

While the response is quite polite, I can't help but notice that the administration never actually apologized for getting the last few cuts in really, really late. Also, I'm not sure how most of the cut scenes would have endangered students. The biggest threat I see was that of offending Wiccan students (Administration: Please don't get any ideas!), a crime of which I have been guilty of in the past.

A Brief Mention of Wordplay Involving Reproductive Anatomy

A final issue that bears mentioning was the pronunciation of a particular student's name. The name was pronounced as it is in Canada, which happens to rhyme with a part of the female anatomy... Oh, screw euphemisms - I, for one, think that high schoolers can deal with sexual themes. The name "Regina" was, on one occasion, pronounced with a long 'i', which is the Canadian pronunciation. This was done not to show solidarity with our Canadian brothers and sisters but for comic relief, to rhyme with "Vagina". (I'd like to apologise to both the school administration and the Republican wing of the Michigan state house for acknowledging a body part possessed by fully half of human beings.) This particular student has been called Regina with a long 'i' since freshman year, so many students considered the censorship somewhat silly.

The Trebel Rebels

Aside from the video itself, the main issue that bears mentioning is the repertoire of the Treble Rebels, the group best known for providing our school with its second-worst musical pun. For those who are unaware, the Treble Rebels are one of the three a Capella groups at our high school. The Rebels had been practicing the song Rehab, by the late Amy Winehouse, for most of this year. However, they did not end up performing it at the pep rally. The exact details of why are contested - every source I spoke to told me the same story. The administration decided that the Rebels couldn't perform Rehab, saying that it encouraged drug use, but didn't tell them this until two days before. After the rally, the administration claimed that they had told the Treble Rebels about this two weeks in advance. One of my sources suggested that the administration didn't know about the Rebels' song choice until a week before the rally. Despite the fact that this seems absurd, my investigations suggest that, in fact, this roughly what happened.

I contacted the school administration and asked for details regarding the Treble Rebels incident. Mrs. C-A responded with an explanation that makes sense and does not implicate anyone. She says that a meeting was held with the Senior student leaders on October 23rd in which the itinerary was discussed and the administration laid out standards for what constituted "appropriate". However, the administration never met directly with the Rebels, and somehow, the information that the Rebels were singing Rehab didn't make it to Mrs. C-A until November 24th, two days before the rally. She immediately forbade them from singing it. So the Rebels are telling the truth when they say that they were only told two days before the rally, but Dr. Pizzi is also telling the truth because he's referring to the October 23rd meeting. While it's nice to know that this was an accidental misunderstand, I noted again that Mrs. C-A never really apologized for anything in this message either.

According to an anonymous source within the Rebels, the group is outraged that they were forbidden from singing Rehab. My source told me that she found is strange that the Rebels were forbidden to sing Rehab, while the Bomb Squad were allowed to "shake their butts to Anaconda. For those who are not aware, the Bomb Squad is not our school's official terrorist group - that would be the [club name here]. From what I can gather, the Bomb Squad is essentially the black cheerleading team. Why we have a separate black cheerleading team in 2014 is simply beyond me. Anaconda is a collection of sounds by Nicki Minaj that, for reasons I cannot fathom, is sometimes mistaken for music. As research for this article, I listened to Anaconda - do not worry, I expect the bleeding from my ears to subside shortly. I can definitely see what the Rebels meant about a double standard.

Confession: I wrote those jokes before I had actually listened to the song - good thing too, the only thing I can say now is "Jesus fucking christ, this kind of shit exists?" There is NOTHING in that collection of discordant sounds that is school appropriate. My earlier reaction of "I can definately see what the Rebels meant about a double standard." doesn't cut it. There aren't words for what a double standard this is. Wow.

Other students have also expressed anger at the administration's decision to censor the Rebels. A classmate who, while he never technically declined to be named, I suspect would prefer anonymity, told me that "If the administration submitted their interpretation of Rehab to Freshman Honors English (For those who are not aware, at our school, 'Honors' means 'Standard; I haven't the faintest clue why), they might just manage a passing grade." I have to agree here - the decision to censor Rehab was silly - I have no idea why they thought this was a good idea.

The Rally

Everyone who attended the pep rally knows what happened there. The video was shown - heavily censored and with the ending cut off entirely - and the student body responded. The chants of "Bullshit! Bullshit!" (One of my sources reports "push it! push it!", but I remember "Bullshit!") clearly offended the administration. Following the return from thanksgiving break, the administration responded. I contacted Dr. Pizzi and requested a transcript of his announcement, but apparently no transcript exists. Dr. Pizzi did, however, kindly summarize what he said in the announcement. He summarized the messages as

  • Much of the beginning of the pep rally was very positive.
  • Despite our best planning efforts, as the rally went on, the behavior of many students - mostly spectators and some participants - became egregious to the point of defiling our NHS home and violating our core values.
  • Consequently, the professional staff and I would be taking a deep and detailed look at the purpose, function, and existence of the pep rally in its current form to determine the future of the rally as a positive aspect of life at NHS.

I remember the speech as being slightly more condescending tone, but the message seems consistent. In the weeks following the pep rally, the administration held multiple meetings. Throughout the various meetings, Dr. Pizzi made it clear that there would be no more pep rally videos, describing the subject as "non-negotiable". He has not, however, made this clear to the general public or to me in our correspondences. This is not to say that everyone in the school doesn't already know that the pep rally videos are at an end - they do - but it would be nice if Dr. Pizzi had said this outright.

By all accounts the end of the videos is not, for the most part, a result of the incident this year. Deep Throat, TJW, and Hobbes have all told me that Dr. Pizzi has wanted to get rid of the pep rally video for years. Whether this year's kerfuffle was the last straw or an excuse is anyone's guess, but I do wish that Dr. Pizzi had told us all this openly.

When I contacted Dr. Pizzi for his opinion, he told me that. When I first asked Dr. Pizzi for a statement about the pep rally, he responded with this:

[E]very student activity - including the pep rally - must be and uplifting and respectful display of school spirit for each and every member of the school community. When that is not the case, we need to examine the activity and its purpose to ensure that it aligns with our core values. This is exactly what the professional staff and I will do with the pep rally moving forward.

I appreciate that he took the time to respond, but I have trouble finding any real meaning in that statement through all the buzzwords.

Cultural Proficiency

The recent years have seen the emergence of a new buzzword: "Cultural Proficiency". The Administration's goal of fostering Cultural Proficiency is hampered by the fact that no one is entirely sure what cultural proficiency actually means. The American Association of Family Physicians, whose website is the first result for a Google search of "Cultural Proficiency", gives the following definition of 'Cultural Proficiency':

Cultural proficiency is the knowledge, skills, and attitudes and beliefs that enable people to work well with, respond effectively to, and be supportive of people in cross-cultural settings.

However, while this definition does seem accurate - it meshes well with the other Google results - it doesn't seem to fit with the administration's policies regarding the pep rally. According to Deep Throat, "okay well the admin is against to things: sexual innuendos and drug references or at least that's what was communicated to me at first [...] however, this has extended to other areas as well they were also against any quips about specific individuals." Deep Throat kindly gave me this email that ze received from Mrs. C-A, where she listed the things that had to be cut from the video. For security reasons, I can't quote the email directly. Deep Throat was told to, among other things, delete any comments or jokes relating to Dr. Pizzi's stature, delete the joke about Regina's name, delete or heavily change the English department scene, and any comments about staff or students.

From what I can tell, none of these things have anything to do with 'cultural proficiency'. I am, as always, open to listening to an explanation from the administration, but it seems that the administration doesn't know what 'cultural proficiency' means either.

The scene with the male student in a tank top makes slightly more sense from a "cultural proficiency" standpoint, but the cut has been universally seen as hypersensitive. As I myself am not transgender, I contacted a friend who blogs about her experience as an MTF transgender high-school student at The Trans Teen. After I showed her the video and asked her opinion, she responded,

i dont see the issue
like people are allowed to wear what they want to wear
if they're not trans then it's called "crossdressing"

Deep Throat said that "i understand the reasoning, even though that wasn't the intent of the joke", but zir bigger complaint was that, as I already mentioned, this edit came the day before the rally. Despite zir ambivalence about the 'transphobic' scene being cut, Deep Throat told me that 'cultural proficiency' was the crux of the matter.

i feel like the big issue is that these administrators, who are decent people, are more focused on the threat of lawsuits or possibly offending someone than the wellbeing of the actual students
this applies to what happened with the treble rebels
it's almost as if the admin. cares more about that hypothetical freshman who has laywers for parents and most likely doesn't exist than actual students

A Senior Show

My two main sources in the Student Government both told me that a major problem with the pep rally is that Dr. Pizzi thinks it's currently a "Senior show", and wants to change that. Hobbes added that "Dr. Pizzi hates that it is a 'senior show' Though even underclass men I talk to acknowledge that that is kind of the point". I have a different take; in my view, the calls for "inclusiveness" are undermined by the fact that, if it isn't a senior show, the Pep Rally is centered on the football team. While a celebration of sports at our school would not be objectionable, it seems strange that the administration has chosen to focus so heavily on what may be the single most destructive behavior practiced by students at this school. I'm not going to go into my full football rant (If you want to learn more - and you should - watch League of Denial. It's well worth your time), but even putting aside the dangers of football, it is by no means the most successful sport at our school. I don't know the exact numbers, but many of our teams - fútbol in particular, routinely do better than the football team. If viewed exclusively through the context of athletics, as Dr. Pizzi apparently wishes, the pep rally is almost exclusively a celebration of football. I, for one, would prefer a "senior show" - a time to say, "This is who we are. This is our culture. This is where we've been together, and we're all better people from this journey."

Anger at the Administration

Whatever the causes of the pep rally debacle, there is one thing that the student body and the administration can agree on: The student body is pissed. Hashemi, who was very prominent in the video, said "That they haven't censored these types of things in the past, we came up with and have been exposed to these types of jokes before and they're eliminating them from the video isn't going to shelter us from that."

Don Mahogany, a student council member who was fine with me using his name, said that "I'm extremely disappointed in the administration's response to the pep rally. I thought that Pizzi telling the student body that they had displayed a profound lack of cultural proficiency was extremely offensive and alienating. I understand why the administration is upset. But their solution to the problem is turning the entire student body against them which sucks for everyone." Hobbes said that "It doesn't feel like they appreciate our point of view or concerns", which seems to me to be a very good summary of how the student body feels at the moment. Hobbes told me that the pep rally incident is indicative of a larger problem. "overall," he told me, "there are lots of instances of administrators talking with kids who are in trouble, sometimes over made up rules (I am thinking of a case where someone told me of athletes getting suspended for actions that, in the handbook, weren't among the specified actions that led to suspensions), and hardly allow the student to speak for themsleves"

Deep Throat connected the administration's over-sensitivity with an incident a few months ago where Student News aired a humorous piece poking fun at the freshman class (I would post a link, but it's been pulled from the website) It was by far the funniest thing ever to come out of Student News that did not involve Aaron Traylor. From what I can gather, the administration went ballistic. Deep Throat said of the desperate apology,

it was a result of faculty members who thought the freshman would feel left out
more than that. they thought it was actually destructive
and as a result, the creator of that segment, [name redacted] (a really sweet kid) was almost demonized
her work was described as hateful
and i doubt a single freshman card

The whole Student News debacle - the harmless joking, administration freakout, and overactive apology - symbolizes the problem of over-sensitivity at our school. Without question, it is important that our school be a safe environment where no one is harassed or bullied. But if school is actually supposed to prepare us for real life, it can't try shield us from everything. Everyone sometimes hears statements that are somewhat offensive, but at some point, the burden falls on the recipient to shrug it off. The freshmen seem to have done just that regarding the Student News segment; I encourage the administration to follow their lead.

But over-sensitivity is not the entire problem. The administration doesn't respect the student body, and if we are to have a truly productive environment, they have to see things from our point of view, just as I have tried to see things from theirs. The condescending attitude with which the administration interacts with the student body is perhaps best illustrated by this: In my interactions with the administration, they have stated that they 'regret' some things, or that things are 'unfortunate', or apologized for failing to make it "clear from the start about the revision process and the possibility of cuts throughout", but never once have they actually apologized for their various screwups. The debacle surrounding the pep rally, and the administration's response, have created what Hobbes referred to as an "us-versus-them mentality". Call me a romantic, but I don't think it has to be this way. Meet us in the middle, respect us, and the administration might find that they have a lot to gain.

I'd like to close with something that Hobbes said.

In the end the goal of pep rally is to get the whole school united over a athletics
This year the uniting was done against administration
And that's not the kind of atmosphere anyone really wants


School Administration Slams Winterfest for 'Misogyny', 'Lack of Cultural Proficiency'

December 6th 2014| By J.E.Ditor

The Winterfest concert held yesterday by the RHS String Orchestra, Band, and choral groups provoked a backlash from the school administration, who complained that the music performed was "misogynistic" and demonstrated a "saddening lack of cultural proficiency". The music performed jointly by the String Orchestra and Chorale took most of the flak. The first piece put on was 'I'll Make a Man Out Of You' from Disney's Mulan, which the administration slammed for being 'misogynistic'. "The association of masculinity with superior qualities such as strength and courage is something that we do not want to see anywhere at this school," school Political Correctness Supervisor Kristen Geraldstein wrote on the RHS website. "It saddens me that we have this far to go." Speaking about the second objectionable song, 'Holding Out for a Hero' by Bonnie Tyler, Ms. Geraldstein said, "The idea that a woman needs a man to save her belongs in the 20th, no, the 19th century. It's offensive to see the perpetuation of negative stereotypes and our school - I thought our students were better than this."
The administration has stated that, due to Ms. Geraldstein's objections, the student body will not be allowed to hold Winterfest next year.

UPDATE: After discovering that the Winterfest repertoire was laid out by school staff, Ms. Geraldstein amended her statement. It now reads, in its entirety, "Eh, whatever."


Citizens March To No Practical Purpose in Carefully Choreographed Drill

May 29th 2014| By J.E.Ditor

Hundreds of citizens were removed from their normal accomidations and paraded around Rockettopia today in a carefully-planned "Drill", the purpose of which was simply to see if it could be done. Directly before the drill, citizens were instructed to cower silently in corners, supposedly to prepare for an attack by some unspecified "threat". After this was complete, the officials overseeing the facility ordered the citizens to be marched out of wherever they happened to be at the time and marched them to a predetermined location. Again, the citizens were ordered to be silent, and were hushed by officials if they dared to speak. Once the citizens arrived at the location, they were told to group up by their current occupation, so they could be counted. Ropes prevented citizens in different areas from speaking to one another.

On a hill above the crowded field, the leader of the community watched over the exercise. Although he, his staff, the officials, and the entire government are all from a minority group that makes up less than a fourteenth of the community, their fundumental right to rule is rarely questioned. The flag fluttered above him as the leader, along with his closest advisors, considered the skill to which the exercise was carried out.

Once the citizens were fully counted, and the officials had confirmed that no one was absent, the citizens were ordered to march back to their accomidations and continue with their previous tasks. Over the loudspeakers positioned throughout the facility, the leader informed the citizens that they had performed well, and that the time in which they had completed the drill was impressively low. Citizens continued with their days without questioning the drill or their leader.

I must give credit to my history teacher for pointing this out.


AGSA Should Not Have Kept Quiet About Day of Silence

April 12th 2014| By J.E.Ditor

The student body awoke last Friday to discover that it was the national Day of Silence. The Day of Silence, which is organized locally by the AGSA (All Genders and Sexualities Alliance), is a day on which participants keep silent to protest the social pressures that make GLBTQ teens stay silent about who they are. Unfortunately, this year the AGSA did not talk to the school beforehand about the day of silence. So when Friday 4/11 arrived, the student body was caught off-guard. Many would-be participants were forced to speak because they had not been able to fill out the paperwork in time. To be absolutely clear, yes, I am saying that at Rockettopia High School, one must fill out paperwork days in advance just to be allowed to shut up.

Although supporter badges were available at the doors, and many students wore them, many have spoken out encouraging the AGSA to talk to the student body about the Day of Silence next year.


RHS Addiction Task Force Going After 2048

March 22nd 2014| By J.E.Ditor

The Rockettopia High School administration announced today that they would be forming a task force to go after the highly addictive game 2048. Since it was published less than a month ago, 2048 has achieved a large following among everyone on the Internet. The decision to go after 2048 came after a new study by the RHS Studying-Things Club found that 'playing 2048' is now the number one use of school computers, beating out the previous front-runners, 'watching porn' and 'using them as bongs'. "This logic-skill-building game 2048 has been wasting vital time that students could be using to do something productive like write an essay over-analyzing The Bean Trees.", the Principal told News from Rockettopia. "It must be stopped." We here at News from Rockettopia are glad to see the administration switching its focus from marijuana to something actually addictive. Now, must... play... 2048. I'm sure I can spare just one more night's sleep!


School Musical Message: Repression is For Your Own Good

March 11th 2014| By J.E.Ditor

The Rockettopia High School production of Urinetown last weekend was stunningly successful. The performance was carried by amazing actors, skilled set design, a hardworking crew, and the overarching message that repression is for your own good.

For those not familiar with the musical, Urinetown is the story of a town in which all toilets are controlled by the Urine Good Company (UGC) and charge admission fees. Those who cannot pay the fees are executed. Eventually, a popular revolt deposes the dictatorial leaders of the UGC and make toilets free. And then they all die when the water runs out. Because what were they supposed to do, build outhouses or composting toilets or something?

The underlying theme that the musical is intended to convey, according to the director, is that "However bad the authority's treatment of you may seem, however arbitrary and oppressive their rules, they're looking out for your own good and you should just go along with it." The obvious application of this message in everyday life is in marijuana. "We crack down on anyone who we catch with marijuana," the RHS principal told News from Rockettopia, "and we don't give a good reason why except that it's for some reason illegal and you should just do what we tell you. Our production of Urinetown was intended to drive home the message that these kinds of rules are for your own good, that you can't be expected to understand what they're for, that it's right to deal harshly with those who disobey or question, and that if you don't do as we say, bad things will happen."


RHSN Screws Up School Musical Information, Still Better than CNN

March 6th 2014| By J.E.Ditor

Despite the many screw-ups in the Rockettopia High School News coverage of the school musical, their coverage is still better than most of CNN, according to the Media Analysis Agency. The report, which was delivered today and represented a change from 'boring and stupid' to 'boring, stupid, and inaccurate', began with footage of chairs in what was may have been the wrong auditorium and and peaked when the voice-over claimed that the performance was by the charity group Students Acting to Make a Difference. While SAMD is a great charity, it is not in fact interchangeable with Rockettopia High School, as the narrator of that segment will probably learn a few minutes before he is fired.

Although the coverage was terrible, it was still better than CNN, said the MAA. RHSN, after all, has never sent two reporters to talk to each other from the same parking lot, which really happened I'm serious. When the musical, Urinetown, is performed this weekend at the Neumann School Auditorium, we will cover it here at News from Rockettopia, but everyone should still go see what we assume, admittedly based on no evidence, will be an amazing production.


Mysterious Posters Confound School Officials

February 23rd 2014| By J.E.Ditor

School authorities are scratching their heads after mysterious posters appeared around Rockettopia High School this Monday. The posters, which appear to satirize school-authorized anti-marijuana posters, feature a cynical image, a masterfully faked approval stamp, and a link to a certain blog that some of our readers may have heard of. We at News from Rockettopia want to make it clear that we have no idea where these disruptive and subversive posters originated, and in no way had this article already written before the posters appeared. We hope that the pranksters behind this are brought to justice soon, but they would seem to be far to intelligent and devious to be caught. Below is an image of the poster that is without question a photograph:


School Staff Somehow Manages To Screw Up Propaganda Posters

January 29th 2014| By J.E.Ditor

The Rockettopia High School administration continued to demonstrate its ability to bungle even the most basic tasks earlier this week when it was discovered that they had somehow managed to screw up a simple 'Say-No-To-Drugs' poster. The poster, which attempted to inform students that eight out of ten students don't smoke pot, would have been simply ignored by everyone if it hadn't contained the cryptic message "Fun Fact: The Hawaiian alphabet has twelve letters!". The message appeared in tiny letters, and was so strange and out-of-place that the only people who would be interested were those already high, which may have been the point. But, as it was discovered this week, the crimes of the administration go beyond attempting to stop students from smoking pot: The Hawaiian alphabet actually has eighteen letters and eleven diphthongs, whatever the hell those are.

I will pause here while those of you who are stoned muse about the word 'diphthong' for five minutes.

It's not quite clear how the RHS poster-makers screwed this one up; a simple Google search of 'Hawaiian alphabet' quickly redirects one to this Wikipedia page, which explains the proper number of letters and diphthongs...

Do we have to do this again?

in the Hawaiian alphabet. Whatever the cause, we here at News from Rockettopia demand that this error be corrected at once! We want our administration's propaganda to contain no irrelevant lies. Only relevant ones.


RHS Religious Club Holds Pre-Halloween Seminar on Demonic Possession

October 26th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

In preparation for Halloween, the Rockettopia High School religious club will be holding a seminar on Demonic Possession in the auditorium after school this coming Monday. The speakers, who include professional public lunatic Pat Robertson, professional politician and bigot Rick Santorum, rocker and gun-toting racist wacko Ted Nugent, and the principal, will cover topics such as how to spot demonic possession, how to deal with demonic possession in others, and how to avoid being possessed yourself. All of these are standard demonic possession topics.

However, this seminar will also cover a topic specific to Rockettopia: How to tell the difference between Demonic Possession and drugs. the topic will be covered in depth in a two-hour joint lecture by the Reverend Terry Jones and a local teenager known as Cool Jim, who will discuss the similarities and differences between Demonic Possession and common drugs like LSD and Meth. Although anyone who has everyday encounters with drug users (Read: Everyone) is strongly encouraged to attend, the website for the seminar has put out a few simple tips:

If the person is talking about demons, Satan or the devil, you should at least look closely for other signs of Demonic Possession.
If the person attempts to conceal their symptoms, it's a strong sign of demonic possession.
A change in eye color is a sure sign of demonic possession.
Remember: If a person turns out to be just on drugs, do the polite thing and pretend not to notice.

The RHS Wicca Club will be holding its own seminar at the same date and time to discuss similar issues. Their seminar, which will be held in the local cemetery, will discuss the positive impacts of demonic possession and debunk some major urban legends about the 'dangers' of the condition.


Rockettopia High School RADD Club: An Overview

September 23rd 2013| By J.E.Ditor

This year, Rockettopia High School welcomed a new addition to the club scene: The Rockettopians Against Destructive Decisions, or RADD, Club. The RADD club teaches students about avoiding destructive decisions such as doing drugs, drinking alcohol, and having sex. If they can make an impact, the club's "Advisor", Mr. Steinberg, plans to move on to eating ice cream, hanging out with friends, using the Internet, and smiling. The Club was planned and named by a committee of teachers who apparently are not aware that the 1970s were forty years ago. The name choice was probably made with the slang term 'Rad' in mind, which was last heard from on June 7th, 1999. 'Rad' is, of course, short for radical, which makes sense, because here in Rockettopia, not having sex, doing drugs, and drinking alcohol are pretty radical decisions.

According to reports, the first meeting of the RADD club was attended by eight students: five students who had been dared to go, one lost freshman, the club 'Advisor' Mr. Steinberg's daughter, and a severely intoxicated senior who staggered into the classroom, mumbled some flirtatious comments to a poster, and collapsed due to alcohol poisoning.

Did you know: The Hawai'ian alphabet has twelve letters!

Note: The RADD club was apparently started in 2009, but until now, the entire student body has been too drunk or stoned to notice.
Other Note: Despite the odd aptness of the name, the RADD club is officially an offshoot of the national Students Against Destructive Decisions, or SADD club. [I'm just going to leave this one you.]


Pirate Flag Over RHS Misunderstood by Everyone

September 9th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

When students at Rockettopia High School returned from summer break, they couldn't help but notice the pirate flag flying above the school. Most people interpret it as a taunt from Rockettopia's arch-nemesis. These people are wrong. A few people claim that it was put up by RHS students to start a war. These people are also wrong. In fact, the Jolly Roger over Rockettopia High School signifies what the skull-and-crossbones has signified since time immemorial: That this building is now under the control of pirates.

In fact, the school is now officially the property of the crew of the Merman Crackhead, a sixteenth-century pirate vessel that most historians refer to as a 'glorified rowboat'. The Merman Crackhead was believed until very recently to have been lost after striking a very sharp piece of seaweed, but it now appears that the ship somehow found it's way to Anthos Pond. If anyone has any knowledge of how this happened, please email the United States Historical Society and/or the United States Armed Forces.

After making the five-minute walk to Rockettopia High School, the pirates apparently seized control of the building, originally intending to pillage it, but after finding 'riches beyond imagining' (RHS Cafeteria Food is much better than Hardtack), decided to stay.

Despite the presence of eighty pirates and two monkeys in RHS, very few people have caught on. First of all, to an untrained eye, the difference between smelly poorly-dressed sexually obsessed delinquent alcoholics and pirates can be difficult to discern. Secondly, when we tried to tell authorities of the pirate threat, we were rebuffed with the reminder that nearly the entire student body is guilty of piracy. And most importantly, anyone who might notice the pirates are either sleep-deprived, drunk, stoned, teachers, or most likely, all of the above.


Violent War Erupts in Cafeteria Over Seats

September 4th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

The 2013-2014 school year in Rockettopia got off to a bad start yesterday when violence erupted in all three lunches over the seating arrangements in the cafeteria. More specifically, lack of said seats. As Rockettopia High School's population has grown over the last few years, the cafeteria, which was designed to seat three hundred students, has been unable to seat sufficient numbers. The school administration has already tried bringing in new tables, bringing in even more new tables, and as of this year is offering toilet accommodations as "Dual-purpose seating".

Despite this, there weren't enough seats to go around, resulting in a massive food fight in which, unlike the food fights that occur every day, the victor actually mattered. "My brothers! This table is our last hope! Now fight, not for your wives or children or villages, but for NOT SITTING ON THE FLOOR!!!", a member of the Anime club was heard to shout before the club charged the baseball team. During the attack, he was hit in the head by a "Hamburger", but the doctors say his condition has stabilized and they have high hopes for his recovery.

The baseball club wasn't the only club to engage in outright warfare. The band club broke all the rules and two clarinets when they deployed their instruments as weapons. Two people were severely poked, five deafened, and a police team is currently searching for three missing students inside one of the tubas. The ecology club and the robotics team were beaten severely by the football team, and stormed out vowing revenge. (In related news, the football team has acquired an indefinite full-team vacation to the pacific island of Fiji.). After going outside for ten, minutes to "meditate", the Existential club stormed the cafeteria demanding more food, but of course, that's what they do pretty much every day.

Some students got extremely desperate and took measures considered wild even by Rockettopia standards; president Obama has warned that the United States will take action if the Chemistry club ever does that again.

The only people to entirely escape the war in the cafeteria were the skateboarders, who everyone refused to go anywhere near.


A Month After End Of School, Students Already Bored Out Of Their Minds

July 24th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

A new piece of original journalism by field reporters from News from Rockettopia has confirmed that, despite being only a month into the summer, Rockettopia students are already bored to death. By bravely venturing into the center of town, where bored youth are congregating to try to find something interesting, our reporters discovered that at this point, nearly everyone between the ages of five and eighteen has no idea what to do with their time now that school is out. "I thought it would be so fun hanging out with friends and swimming and watching TV and doing other cool stuff," a Rockettopia teen told us, "but it turns out that all that stuff only gets through about four days of summer." Some teens have even reported missing the time spent doing homework, which our resident psychologist has told us is called Stockholm Syndrome.

We here at News from Rockettopia hope that our town's teenager will find something interesting to do soon both for their sake and for the sake of all the store clerks hiding under counters with shotguns.


Performance of Inherit The Wind Interrupted by Ape Offended By The Idea That They Are Descended From Creationists

June 15th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

Surprising everyone last night, the Rockettopia Middle School performance of Inherit the Wind was picketed by Chimpanzees who were apparently offended by the show's implication that they were descended from Creationists. Inherit the Wind is based on the famous 1925 Scopes Monkey Trial and endorses the Theory of Evolution. Although some people had foreseen a Creationist protest at the play, no one foresaw the crowd of enraged apes who showed up to demonstrate their outrage at the offensive ideas embodied in the play. As one protestor told News from Rockettopia directly before throwing his feces at us, "Ook Aak Ogga [Shriek] [Shriek] [Bam] [Bam]!" Our resident primatologist explained that the apes were upset at the play's insistence that they were descended from a creature as tribal, violent, and blatenly irrational as the creationist. Although she tried to explain that evolution merely stated that apes share a common ancestor with creationist, the apes were not mollified and proceed to cover her with feces.

Although most were surprised that apes rather than creationists showed up in protest, one member of the stage crew said that he wasn't too shaken. "When you think about it, the difference between shit-throwing apes and creationists is pretty minimal. I mean, one is a irrational, unthinking, hairy, violent primate with a limited grasp of language, and the other has the scientific name Pan troglodytes.

The enraged primates.


Poll Shows That Among RHS Students, 0% Care About Student Government

June 14th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

A new poll published by the Rockettopia High School Polling Club Thursday concluded that Rockettopia High School students don't care about their Student Government. Among students polled who were not running for office, 100% 'Strongly Agreed' with the statement "There's no difference in what the different candidates will do if elected.". 83% 'Strongly Agreed' with the statement "A baboon could do it."

In fact, the only people the Polling Club could find who cared at all about the student election were people running in it. Even the friends of the candidates admitted that the election was not relevant to them. "I mean, my friend cares about the election, since he's running," a student who we, to protect his identity, will call X Wakazowkinski told us. "But even though she cares about the election, I can't think of anything she'd do differently then the other candidate."

We here at News from Rockettopia agree completely. Up next: How the federal government might be spying on your phone calls and might be about to cancel school lunches!


A Modest Proposal: Improving RHS One Step At A Time Step 1 of 100257279129404975...

May 17th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

We here at News from Rockettopia wish to indicate a potential resolution to one of the great problems plaguing our local institution of secondary education: The fecal excretions of Boreal-North-American avians of the genus Branta (Someone get the science correspondent away from the keyboard!!!)

The thing, dudes and dudettes, is goose shit. Because dude, you know how, like, geese, like always shit all over the, like, fields and ruin all the, like, bugs, ya know, dude? (Someone drag the drug correspondent away from the computer! And while you're at it, confiscate his weed!)

We apologize for the inconvenience. The problem is, we have never had to cover goose crap before, so we really don't have a goose-crap-procedure. As editor, I hereby take control of this story. Now, from the beginning. One day, as I was knee deep in goose shit, as I know you all have been at one time, I thought to myself "There must be a better way to run a football." While thinking about this, I lost the game. I also figured out a decent solution that I think will really take off. What does one do with pesky birds? One shoots them BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!!! DIE DIE DIE!!!! (Quick, inject him with some more sedatives!)

So... Kill the geese. But how? And then it came to A RHS Shooting Class! Since a baboon with a wallet could go into a store and buy a dozen assault rifles with cash these days, it seems like it would be good for our youth to know what guns will kill you, and what guns will kill you and a bunch of your friends without reloading. So, a gun class including target practice on geese. The school board will object, but the NRA will probably donate money to buy them over to the plan. They'll be all over this. So, dead geese.

Stage 2: Cook the geese. The Rockettopia High School cooking class cooks the dead geese. Straightforward enough.

Step 3: Serve the meals prepared from the geese in the Rockettopia High School cafeteria, thereby saving money on feeding the students. I'm sure the students will be very happy as well. Given two choices, a poorly-prepared and likely contaminated meal made from an animal not normally eaten by humans, and cooked Canada Goose, I feel confident that nearly all of my fellow students will choose the latter.

So everyone! Request that the school initiate the Goose-to-food plan now!
Or just go and shoot geese. Doesn't matter to me.

(Don't let him see that I told you this, but his writing is terrible because most of our articles are outsourced to sweat-shops in India. This is the first time he had to write something.)


Poll Finds 50% of Rockettopia High School Teachers Cannot Tell the Difference between Twitter and Angry Birds

April 30th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

The entire student body was horrified today when a new poll showed that among Rockettopia High School teachers, nearly half believed that Twitter and Angry Birds were the same thing. "I always just thought it was 'Angry Twitter-Birds' that all the kids were playing in the hallway. But now they say that Twitter is a 'Social Network'? Those kids and their gosh-darn gadgets!" commented one teacher, whose name we are politely not revealing. For those of you who live in caves without wifi, Twitter is a social networking website that limits posts to 140 characters, while Angry Birds is a front for Al-Qaeda. Some students have been attempting to help the teachers understand the difference by writing essays in 140 characters and throwing bird-shaped objects through windows. Still, the problem persists.

Speaking of Twitter, we here at News from Rockettopia now have a Twitter account! As you probably noticed because it's on every page! Now be a dear and press that 'Follow' button.


Police Sting Fails when Drug Sniffing Dogs Confused with Drug Snorting Dogs

April 12th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

Recently, students from Rockettopia High School requested that the police bring drug sniffing dogs to root out RHS's drug problem. Drug sniffing dogs are, of course, dogs that have been specially trained to locate illegal drugs such as Marijuana. Drug snorting dogs are, of course, exactly what they sound like.

Our reporters have determined that Rockettopia's drug snorting dogs were the result of a collaboration between the Existential Club and the Ecology Club. The Ecology club wanted to test their theories on the effects of benzoylmethylecgonine on the nervous systems, specifically the frontal cortex of the brain. The Existential club was bored and had too much money on their hands. The results, a few years later, were trained dogs that would quickly locate drugs, and then stop at nothing to consume them.

This all would have been harmless to everyone but the dogs and the ASPCA if the Rockettopia Police Department had not somehow gotten their drug sniffing dogs replaced with the drug snorting dogs. (The Spy Club denied any responsibility in the incident two hours before it actually happened) Unfortunately for the poor police officers, the dogs swiftly devoured all forms of restricted substance on school premises. The drug-craving canines tore open metal lockers with their bare paws and shredded walls to get their drug fix. By the time the national guard managed to restore control six hours later, all evidence of drug use among students was gone and the school had suffered over a hundred thousand dollars worth of damage. Fortunately, the school is expected to be fully repaired by the end of spring break. The drug snorting dogs have been sent to an addiction vet.


Paranoia Club Insists Angry Birds is a Terrorist Front

April 9th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

The Rockettopia High School Investigative Club, also known as the Paranoia Club, today announced their new campaign to convince the school that Angry Birds is a front for Al-Qaeda. On past occasions the Paranoia Club has attempted to alert the school that the moon landings were fake, that the CIA assassinated JFK, that the government brought down the world trade center, and most recently, that the government brought down the Sears Tower. Whenever someone points out that the Sears Tower (Now called Willis Tower) is still standing, the Paranoia Club responds, "That's what THEY want you to think!"
The Paranoia club points out that Angry Birds is about flying things into towers to destroy them and kill things, which is basically what Al-Qaeda does. And now that you think about it, that does make sense... And if you add up the scrabble values for the letters in "Angry Birds", you get the same number as the scrabble value for "Al-Qaeda"! And that number is 99, which is 9 times 11! And if you take the first word in the Koran that starts with each letter in "Angry Birds" and mash them together...


[Okay, we got him off.] With the Paranoia Club's new press, we decided to interview the president of the Paranoia Club about his club's actions. "We don't necessarily agree on everything. We have conservative conspiracy nuts, liberal conspiracy nuts, creationists, Scientologists, birthers, 9/11 Truthers, Autism Vaccine People, and all sorts of others.", she told us. "We try not to argue about our differing views on what organization is controlling the world and what they're doing. We all work together to stop the abstract 'Other' that is definitely out to get us."
Since their announcement about Angry Birds, the Paranoia club has seen a huge spike in membership. All of the fifteen new recruits will now have to be tested to make sure they're not robots.


Students Request Drug Sniffing Dogs for Rockettopia High

April 5th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

A group of Rockettopia High School Students approached the Rockettopia School Committee this Tuesday to request drug dogs at RHS. The students were dispatched by the RHS student council, which has grown increasingly concerned about the drug problem at RHS.

This problem was exemplified in a sting operation on March 14th that led to the arrest of two students selling Marijuana, Zoloft, and Tramadol. The student council imminently expressed their disappointment that students were dealing illegal and prescription drugs, and the Existential Club expressed their relief that the police had not found the Cocaine, Meth, LSD, Bath Salts, Toads, Mushrooms, and Millipedes.

The student council decided to act on the drug problem dispute half of the members not knowing what Marijuana is. When asked, one council member replied, "I'm not entirely sure. I think it's something like chewing gum. But it's really bad, I know that. If you get caught with it, the teacher asks you to stay after, which is the worst they can do, right?"

After the local newspaper printed the names of the students who approached the school committee, the Existential Club told News from Rockettopia that they plan to give the offending students "An in-depth lesson on the fish life of Rockettopia. We expect them to be fully immersed and breathless with excitement."


Wellness Class Test Determines Which Form of Delusional Ignorance You Have

April 5th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

On Tuesday of this week, the sophomores here at Rockettopia High School took the traditional Wellness* test to determine which of the two types of delusional ignorance they had.
The unit was about something called the Locust of Control. This is whether one believes that all events are governed by free will, or all events are chance and we have no free will. There are, of course, only two opinions on the issue, both of which are delusional ignorance. There is no way to believe that some events, such as whether you win the lottery or whether you get hit by a car, are random chance and others, such as a test grade, are controlled. The idea that what country you live in helps determine your ability to climb the social ladder is quite frankly laughable, as is the concept that perhaps teaching students an oversimplified system of absolutes is a bad idea. The curriculum has been determined to be wildly successful by the teacher who teaches it and people who have no connection, and is expected to be included again next year.
On a related note, a group of very confused RHS students have formed the Church of the Controlling Grasshopper. Meetings are Wednesdays after school in the cafeteria for all interested in attending.

*Wellness is what hippies call gym class


In Concolatory Match, Knowing Stuff Team is Soundly Defeated by Trained Snails

March 25th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

After their disastrous defeat yesterday on the public television show "High School Quiz Show", the RHS Knowing Stuff Team was not feeling very good (NOTE: We really, really don't want you to look this up). To make themselves feel better, the team arranged a match against the Ecology Club's trained land snails. However, in a surprise victory, the snails trounced the Knowing Stuff Team by a massive margin of 315-110. The success of the snails has been accredited to their knowledge of important categories such as 'Plants that are Good Snail Food', 'Slime Making 101', 'Snail Anatomy', and 'Animal Mobile Homes'. When asked the snails about their victory, we got this response:


New Marijuana Dowsing Rod Fails

March 23rd 2013| By J.E.Ditor

Unfortunately, Rockettopia High School's trials of a $900 Marijuana Dowsing Rod failed when instead of pointing to lockers full of Marijuana, the consistently pointed towards skateboarders. As the teacher in charge of supervising the tests said, "The rod completely failed because we would be walking down the hallway, and a skateboarder walks by, and the rod refuses to point away from him. It was absurd.". The most impressive case of this was when the rod successfully located the guy responsible for the locker fire back in January from half way across the school.

"We did try to use the rod for something useful", the aforementioned teacher commented, "but when we tried strip-searching a skateboarder, it ended badly. Three teachers are still in the hospital suffering from mental trauma. Get well soon!"

The tests ended on Friday, both because the dowsing rod was completely ineffective and because it exploded when brought near a member of the Existential Club.


MCAS Rescheduled for Next Monday; Hundreds of Students Disappointed to Find they Played Sick for Nothing

March 19th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

As a massive snowstorm bore down on our state, the government decided to postpone the MCAS tests. These tests, which have been praised by Satan himself and are also given to detainees at Guantanamo Bay, albeit for different reasons, were cancelled due to imminent danger of the entire state being snowed in. However, some unfortunate students apparently did not get the message in time. We know this because thousands of students, almost five percent in Rockettopia, entirely failed to show up today. However, we were able to reach one of them via Facebook chat. For his safety, we concealed his name. Reporter: Hello *****************. We noticed you weren't at school today.
Student: wtf is it 2 u ?u tnk us the boss of me
Reporter: Can you repeat that?
Student: daf**s the matter with u why u spyin on me u got a problem
Reporter: Can you type so I can understand?
Student: wadaya say
Decryption Expert: "What did you say?"
Reporter: It's not important. The reason we contacted you was because you seem to have skipped school to miss MCAS.
Student: "yep man i did ditch 2day so i wudnt have2 do tha **** mkas.
Decryption Expert: "Yes, I did ditch school today so I wouldn't have to do the MCAS."
Reporter: Didn't you know there's no MCAS today?
Student: ya ik man im so pissed about that. whyd they have2 move it like that
Decryption Expert: "Yes, I know, I'm very annoyed about that. Why did they have to move it like that?"
Reporter: So you're disappointed that you feigned illness for nothing?
Decryption Expert: so ur mad that u plyd sik and nothing happened
Student: totaly. now if im sik again they wont believe me
Decryption Expert: Yes. Now if I'm sick again they won't believe me.
Reporter: [Off Chat] I don't think I can take much more of this.
Reporter: Thanks for talking to us.
Student: No problemo dude


Les Miserables Prostitutes "Overdressed" Say RHS Theatergoers

March 17th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

The Rockettopia High School production of Les Miserables this weekend was a tremendous hit. All three performances were sold out. All the acting was incredible and everyone loved it except the Complaining Club. However, one objection did emerge in many students who attended: the prostitutes were wearing too much.

I'm not going to go into too much description, but it suffices to say that compared to what's considered acceptable at RHS, the prostitutes' garb was somewhere around the level of 'Arab Housewife'. To see more skin showing, all one would have to do is walk into any classroom in RHS. The next most common complaint was that the three-hour musical was 'Way too short'.


Poll finds that 60% of RHS Students Believe that "Take Back the Night" club is About Controlling Raccoons

March 13th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

A poll released earlier today by the Rockettopia Depressing Polling Organization showed that among f students asked the question "What does the 'Take Back the Night Club' do?", 60% gave an answer involving the control of Raccoons, Coyotes, Opossums, and other nocturnal mammals. The other 40% were divided among the beliefs that it was a crazy project to make the sun shine at night, a counter to daylight savings time, and an advocate for less homework. Only five percent got the correct answer.

The Take Back the Night club is actually about preventing dating violence, conversations about which usually end up at the 'Does that really happen around here?' point. They sometimes do bake sales and other events to raise money and awareness about dating violence. In hindsight, they probably should've seen the branding problem when of most people who came to their events ended up talking about their trash cans being raided.

We here at News from Rockettopia hope that after this article, the number of calls about wild animals every night to the Take Back the Night hotline will drop below ten. And we also hope that everyone who reads this goes to their events.


"Art in Bloom" turns bad when Ecology Club Involved

March 2nd 2013| By J.E.Ditor

This year's 'Art in Bloom' flower and art show at the Rockettopia Town Library was a bit under par this year, as it resulted in three severed hands, two missing children, and one guy losing a body part he refuses to talk about.

The problem began when the Rockettopia Flower Club, which normally arranges the flowers accompanying the art were somehow persuaded to allow the RHS Ecology Club to help. The Ecology club added many exotic plants to the arrangement, but this resulted in some unintended consequences. A library janitor was reported missing. One display was found shredded by unknown forces, with nothing but a plant display nearby. When the exhibition opened, the reason for the strange events was explained: Some of the ecology club plants were 'overly friendly' 'flesh-eating monsters' carnivorous. The plants included six Venus flytraps, eight pitcher plants*, twenty-three sundews, and one plant that no-one would get close enough to identify.

Although the Ecology Club had been accused of "feeding toddlers to Venus Flytraps" in connection with the incident, they insist that "The plants are only dangerous if you get within three feet of them, so really, if you get hurt, it's your own fault." Most are not satisfied with this explanation, and the Vegetarian Club has said it plans to get revenge by feeding Venus Flytraps to toddlers.

The Rockettopia Garden Club insists that coming to view Art in Bloom tomorrow will be 'perfectly safe'.
You know you wouldn't get close either
*By pitcher plant, we do not mean a plant shaped like a water pitcher, we mean a plant that pitches globs of acidic sap at helpless passers-by.


In Another Horrifying Bloodbath, Orch Dorks Meet Orc Dorks

February 27th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

Clearly, the Science Club has not learned their lesson about altering space-time for an ill-advised prank. This time, the particle accelerator was used to introduce members of the orchestra, self-proclaimed 'Orch Dorks', to enormus green axe-wielding glasses-wearing monsters from Azaroth, known to themselves as 'Arrggghhhh!!!!!' and to others as 'Orc Dorks. The results were predictable, with six musicians hospitalized, five violins destroyed, and eight large, green, new recruits for the New England Patriots.

The Science Club has been banned from the Particle Accelerator for two months by order of the vice principal, who has not been seen since and is suspected to be in a Black Hole somewhere.


RSHN Anchor Falls Asleep During Broadcast

February 14th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

Students were shocked and horrified today when Rockettopia High School News' main anchor fell asleep halfway through his broadcast. This is a real change, as previously the drowsiness caused by RHSN had been limited to the viewers of the broadcast, with three-minute broadcasts often followed by necessary ten-minute breaks for waking up the students.

However, today's broadcast focusing on Philosophy Midterm Question Four Theory resulted in the anchor actually falling asleep halfway through saying, "David Schienfeld is the head of the philosophy department at RHS and has spent four years in Tibet studying the art of writing the perfect question four on a midter....". However, many have praised the anchor for his exceptional endurance, as most of the school had not made it past three words.


Detective Club 'Confused' by Mysterious Posters

February 13th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

Unfortunately, even Rockettopia High's best sleuths were unable to interpret the enigmatic posters that appeared across Rockettopia High School this week. The posters, which are small and uninteresting enough to be ignored by most, feature a picture of something, no one's sure what, and some text giving a general description of the event. The majority opinion is that the picture is probably of Africa, but a significant minority believes that it is a poorly-drawn octopus. The text explains that there is a bake sale on February 15th. The words 'World Challenge 2014' also appear on the poster, although there is no context. The poster fails to identify the club holding the bake sale or what the sale is funding.

When confused students Googled the phrase 'World Challenge 2014', the results failed satisfy questions, all that could be discovered is that it is some sort of charity thing. The only response left was to call in the Detective Club. After hours of searching, the Detective Club came to the conclusion that the posters may be the work of the Global Action Club, or GAC. The GAC is a club devoted to action on global issues. Their inconveniently-timed meetings at five AM on Mondays are spent either making poorly-spelled posters about global issues for students to ignore and griping about how the community service requirement is WAAAY too high.

The Global Action Club could not be reached for comment.

In unrelated news, a poll by the Political Club showed that a majority of RHS students are not amused by humor involving the State of the Union Address, and, in fact, have no idea what said address is. 60% of students thought it was where people send their letters to congress.


Locker Fire Caused By Joint thrown by Unaccounted-for Pocketknife-carrying Student into Unused Locker filled with Inappropriate Clothing

January 23rd 2013| By J.E.Ditor

Sources close to the principal ('s cat) say that today's fire in Rockettopia High School was caused by an unaccounted-for, pocketknife-carrying student throwing a joint in a locker full of inappropriate clothing. According to reports, the student had just taken an elevator up to the third floor, despite lacking any sort of medical need, and was distracted while texting on his phone. The fire, which resulted in a complete evacuation of the school into the freezing cold, enraged all students who did not have tests during that period. The RHS Detective Club has sworn to find the perpetrator of the incident and bring him to justice. When asked what they would define as justice, one detective answered, "Standing outside in the blipping cold for ten blipping minutes! After that kind of experience, he'll most likely join the clergy."

The principal has used the incident to call for enforcement of the dress code, which is currently not enforced in regions including... the entire school. However, this announcement did have some unintended consequences, as today alone, five girls with skirts deemed 'too short' were found locked in the janitor's closets. Thankfully, they were not otherwise harmed. Some clubs also called for new clothing-rules that, according to the Rockettopia High School Civil Liberties Union, "Make Sharia clothes look like Victoria's Secret." But, even they agree, it would be worth it to avoid ever having to go in weather that cold again.

Although the Pocketknife-joint-elevator-phone-clothes story is nearly universally accepted by the school community at large, some clubs suspect that this is not the whole story. Some religious clubs blamed the fire on Gay Marriage. The NRA Club President was quoted as saying: "If someone in the area had been carrying a gun, they could have shot that bastard before he had a chance to give us all frostbite." The Supply-side Economics club proposed solving the problem by cutting taxes on the rich. When we sent a reporter to ask what that had to do with anything, and how that even works in a school environment where there are no taxes, he reported that the Supply-Side Economics Club Spokesman pretended not to hear the question and just kept whistling until our reporter left him alone.

Even though the name of the person responsible for the incident has not yet been disclosed, it has been leaked that he has already sold the movie rights.


Goth vs. Goth Prank Goes Horribly Awry

January 18th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

Blood was spilled yesterday after a Science Club prank introduced Rockettopia High School's Goths to actual Goths went horribly wrong. The Goths were a powerful Germanic tribe that played an important role in the destruction of the Roman Empire. Today's Goths are people, generally young people, who generally, dress in black, wear chains, wear heavy make-up, and have tattoos.

Since the horrible incident yesterday, some staff and students have been able to piece together an account of what happened. The Science Club apparently thought it would be funny to use the RHS Particle Accelerator to go get ancient Goths and introduce them to modern Goths. However, the two Goth groups did not get along. Only minutes after they arrived, the Goths were sent running back to the Early Medieval Age, with both themselves and their pride seriously injured. On the upside, the Archaeology Club now has an abundance of artifacts to investigate.

Following the incident, the Science Club was banned from using the Particle Accelerator for two months.


Wicca Club: Our activities on the Solstice definitely had nothing to do with Summoning Demons

December 27th 2012| By J.E.Ditor

As the investigation into the Wicca club continues, the club issued a statement denying the rumors that the club's strange activities on the solstice six days ago. The club claims that the construction of a fifty foot pentagram on the football field, centered on a pit containing a dead squirrel, with cloaked, muttering virgins at each of the five points, was "In no way an attempt to invoke supernatural powers and summon demons from the underworld. The ritual was simply a Wiccan tradition that carries no magical meaning."

The denial puzzled many people, as there are no accounts of anyone saying that the Wicca club was summoning demons prior to the announcement. There have, however, been rumors that the Rockettopia School Board is considering forcing the disbanding of the Wicca Club. However, as a School Board official who declined to be named pointed out, "The Supreme Court says the Westboro Baptist Church and the Church of Scientology are legitimate religious groups. By this definition, the KKK, the American Nazi Party, or anyone else who claims they are a religious group, are a religious group. The Wicca Club is definitely a legitimate religious group, regardless of weather they are summoning demons. If we ban them from practicing their religion, we'll have the ACLU to deal with."

The Zombie Club warned that the summoning of demons was "Dangerously close to the summoning of undead, which is our exclusive territory."


The Mayan Apocalypse Explained

December 20th 2012| By J.E.Ditor

Most of you probably know that many people believe the world will end tomorrow, December 21st 2012. Some people have been hoarding guns and hiding in bomb shelters. Most disturbingly, thousands of new agers have congregated at the tiny (pop. ~200) French village of Bugarach, which many people believe is the place where alien spaceships will arrive to save us.1. Here at News from Rockettopia, we decided to try to find believers to explain the Mayan Long Count to us. The only people willing to talk to us were the members of the Existential Club.

Reporter: Hello! Please tell us a little about yourself and the Existential Club.
Jim: Hey dude. We're the dudes who sit around and contemplate the mysteries of the universe while all you people go on with your little day-to-day stuff. We're this close to getting it, man!
Reporter: Before we continue, there's something I think we need to clear up. A lot of people [Everyone we talked to] said that the Existential Club is really about sitting around doing drugs. Is that true?
Jim: No, dude, that's like, waaay off base! Our club is about finding the meaning of life, not about doing marijuana. Or cocaine. Or heroin. Or opium. Or peyote. Or LSD. Or Meth. Or bath salts. Or toads. Or those funny beetles we found yesterday that make your tongue feel like it's having se... [He continues like this for some time]
Reporter: I'm sorry for the confusion, but some people pointed out that there's also a Philosophy club, and they meet in a classroom while you meet in a shed. But I didn't come to talk about you, although I'm sure you're very interesting. We want to know about the Mayan Apocalypse.
Jim: Oh, total downer! Tomorrow is the day the Mayans predicted the world would end! See, a big giant comet is gonna smash the dark side of the moon, which makes the moon come closer to earth, because, ya know, physics stuff, dude. So the moon pulls on the ocean, makes the ocean rise up and drown all the continents! It's really a shame, dude, because the earth is so awesome, man! We're gonna have a huuuge meeting at Dave's house tonight to try to find the meaning of life before it's too late! If you wanna come, dude, there's plenty of snacks for everyone!
Mike: Hey! Mister reporter dude! Jim's a great dude but he's waaay off with this one! The alien battlefleets from the planets Zik and Wagar will collide at earth and anhi-... anni... you know, wipe out each other and the entire solar system! See what war does to people?
Dave: No, I read on the interwebs that the entire earth's gonna flip upside-down and the people won't be used to it so we'll all fall off!
Sara: You dudes are sooooo wrong! It's the Dinosaurs! After like, a million years or something, they are coming out of hibernation to take back the world!
Bill: No, I heard on the history channel...
Reporter: I'll just go now...

So that settles it. It's either a comet hitting the moon, an alien space battle, the earth flipping upside-down, the return of the dinosaurs, or something else. Good luck surviving.

For those of you who want to know more about the imminent non-apocalypse, here are some good sources: http://onpoint.wbur.org/2012/12/17/maya-cosmology http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/france/9753657/Mayan-apocalypse-French-village-pleads-with-fanatics-not-to-visit-Bugarach.html 1. This is completely serious. You gotta feel sorry for those people in France.


Quarterback Kidnapped by Robot Helicopter

March 3rd 2012| By J.E.Ditor

In a strange turn of events this week, the Rockettopia High School football team quarterback was kidnapped by a giant robot helicopter. The quarterback was taken by the helicopter in broad daylight and in view of twenty-six witnesses. Some have placed guilt on the Robotics Club for the kidnapping, due to the fact that the club has been working on a secret project for the last two weeks and began the project after the Quarterback called them all 'Gay retards'. The robotics club has issued a statement denying these claims. In related news, an anonymous student witnessed a discreet conversation between the Robotics Club and Psychology Club presidents in which the witness discerned the words "Brainwashing", "Mojave Desert", and "World's Best Realdoll". No-one has determined the meaning of these words.

Whatever happens, we'll keep you posted right here!


Students Suffer Fatal Heart Attacks After Teacher Asks if 'T-bow' is a World of Warcraft Weapon

January 15th 2012| By J.E.Ditor

Six students had to be hospitalized on Friday after a Math teacher asked "You all seem to be talking about T-bows. Is that a World of Warcraft weapon or something?" Two students immediately began to vomit and three suffered heart attacks and had to be rushed to the emergency room. The worst case of all was football fanatic Roy Smith who suffered a mental breakdown and is currently in the hospital and convinced that he is Blackbeard. We all hope for his recovery.

A World of Warcraft fan had this to say about the incident: "Whatever a T-bow is, it's not anything in World of Warcraft. If it was, I'd have one."


New Religious Clubs introduced to Rockettopia High

December 20th 2011| By J.E.Ditor

Today, the Principal of Rockettopia High School approved the formation of the school's first Religious Clubs. Reporter John Smith talked to the principal.

John: "So why are these clubs allowed?
Principal: "America gaurentees religious freedom for all, so these clubs must be allowed to form. Although they will be using school premises, they will not have access to school funds, and will not give academic credit"
John: "You mean sort of like the Dungeons and Dragons club?"
Principal: "Yes, exactly like the Dungeons and Dragons club."

Among the new religious clubs, one stands out: the Supply Side Economics Club. The Supply Side Economics club, believes that:
1. There is an invisible hand that guides the free market;
2. If we give rich people money and make them exempt from the laws, the invisible hand will be pleased, and the world will become a better place.
Although these beliefs are thought to be bat%#& insane by most of the school, some have latched onto it, especially the richer students.

The race for the Cornpopper article is over! The Supply Side Economics club has won the space with a very large bid. According to some investigative reporters, the Club was helped by the banking giant Chase. Although the sum of money paid to the Cornpopper for the space was not specified, a Cornpopper administrator hinted that it might be more than the annual Gross Domestic Product of Rockettopia. These suspicions were reinforced with the installation of a NASA supercomputer in the Technology Lab, the planned construction of a Particle Accelerator, and the principal's surprise purchase of a luxury yacht.


Principal Returns from South Pacific Captivity Dressed as Hula Dancer, is Mistaken for Popular Girl

December 19th 2011| By J.E.Ditor

Yesterday, the principal returned from his captivity in the South Pacific, having escaped disguised as a hula dancer, and was promptly mistaken for one of the 'Popular' girls. It has been confirmed by the Rockettopia High Newspaper, the Cornpopper, that at least five boys asked the principal out before he made it the hundred feet between the door and his office. A member of the Psychology Club explained: "He was wearing a grass skirt, coconuts on his chest, a headdress, sandals, a ton of makeup, and nothing else. That is a bit more than most of the Popular girls wear, but the heterosexual wing of the football team still found him hot enough to date. Well, it's true that he was sort of sexy in that tiny grass skirt, with those huge hips and tiny, adorable, waist..." The reporter left shortly after. (Later research confirmed that the interviewed Psychology club member was one of the five who asked out the principal.

In the Auction for space in the paper, the Psychology and Ecology clubs are still neck-and-neck, although there have been rumors that the Ecology club will drop it. Competition has been getting fierce, with reports of Ecology Club members feeding Psychology Club members to Venus Flytraps. The Psychology club went one worse and forcibly lectured three ecology club members on Freudian Psychology.


Thanksgiving Concert Sabotaged

November 25th 2011| By J.E.Ditor

The annual Rockettopia Thanksgiving Concert was an epic fail after an unknown party filled the chorus practice room with helium. Although there is no proof of who is behind the caper, most students believe that the Strings have finally got their revenge. Some support for this theory comes from the fact that, although the Strings have held a bake sale every Friday since the kidnapping of one of their own, they had not seemed to have spent the money. The fact that the string orchestra record books are said to list 'Helium' as their highest expenditure is also a hint. The chorus has stated in a press release that they intend to get revenge.

In unrelated news, the Aeronautics club has tracked the principal to a remote island in the pacific. The student council is trying to raise money for a rescue mission. The balance of the 'Rescue the Principal' fund is currently at five cents.

In the auction for Cornpopper space, the Psychology and Ecology clubs are still neck-and-neck.


D&D Club Least Equipped to Handle Actual Troll

November 17th 2011| By J.E.Ditor

In a turn of events that surprised the entire Dungeons and Dragons Club, the D&D club was actually the least equipped student group to handle the troll that rampaged through Rockettopia High School on Wednesday. Although the D&D club leader, a self described 'Level 14 Elf Wizard', tried using magic to stop the rampaging beast, he was unsuccessful, determining that the troll 'Is under the influence of a level 15 anti-type-6C-magic-shield-spell.' In related news, the D&D club has chosen a new leader.

The anti-cyberbullying club attempted to cure the troll's antisocial tendencies through compassion, and three of them were devoured before someone pointed out that 'It's not that kind of troll.' The ecology club withdrew to their ecological complex (i.e. Classroom with a lot of plants) to attempt to find a natural control. After a few hours, the Robotics club defeated the troll with a giant killer robot. They said that they had not defeated the troll earlier because 'We thought it might give us more respect than the student council. But the council's going to give us a grant now, right?' The correctness of this statement was emphasized by the robot training a laser on the class president. We here at The Cornpopper hope that, in the words of the principal 'This damn school will stay quiet for a whi-' The principal's remarks were cut short as he was kidnapped by harpies.

To raise funds, The Cornpopper will be auctioning off a spot in an upcoming edition to the club that pays the most. The Psychology Club and the Ecology Club are currently neck and neck for first.


Student Sells Soul to Satan for CityCash

November 10th 2011| By J.E.Ditor

Yesterday, an unnamed student leaked the news that another unnamed student had told her that her friend's boyfriend's best friend had sold his soul to Satan for 1,000 CityCash.

CityCash, the form of currency in the popular Facebook game CityVille, has now become such an important part of the economy that 75% of stores now accept it as legal tender, and news networks issue daily updates on the strength of the CityDollar. "Looking at these facts, it's inevitable that CityCash would become more valuable than the soul.", said the president of the Rockettopia High Economics Club. "I think we can expect to see a lot more of this in the future."

According to the spokesperson for the Psycology club, the soul-less student, who now wanders the hall looking for brains and avoiding glee fans, originally bargained for 10,000 CityCash, but was turned down by Satan, most likely because a soul is only worth so much, and Satan's city doesn't appear to be doing very well. "Anyway", said the spokesperson," this guy didn't have much of a soul. He was in the D&D club, and they're supposed to have an exclusive deal with Boccob."


Sex in Sectionals

November 3rd 2011| By J.E.Ditor

This week, the shocking truth came out that students in the Rockettopia String orchestra were using their sectional time for, among other things, sex. An onlooker reported this:

"I was walking past one of the practice rooms when I saw a girl walking in. Then I heard a brief conversation, followed by giggling and a flow of students leaving the room. Then the giggling intensified, followed by kissing sounds, other sounds, and cries of 'Yes, yes, oh, oh, more, more, hehehe!' I then quietly walked away."

"Despite the fact that the student only confided in his experience with a few close friends, the story quickly got around, resulting in the principal condemning the situation as 'Shocking!', the psychology club issuing a statement blaming the situation on the human instinct towards mindless sex. The Band also released a taped statement, "These shocking revelations show how mindless the string orchestra can be at times. However, do not use this as an excuse to condemn the entire music department. These allegations do not apply to the band." The student body generally thinks this speech would be much more reassuring if not for the cries of 'Ooohhh! Ooohhh! Yes! More! Faster! Oh, oh, oh!' emanating from a nearby room.

The Chrous also released a statement, albeit of a different tone than the Band's: "Why is anyone shocked by this? Isn't this what sexionals is for? I mean, it's sexionals, right?"


GSA Running Short of New Gay Recruits

October 31st 2011| By J.E.Ditor

The Rockettopia High GSA fell short on new recruits from the freshman class, mostly in the 'Gay' department. "The GSA has more new straight members than ever", said a GSA member, "But there are only a few Gay members." The GSA refused to speculate on the cause of the seeming shortage of gay freshmen, but the Psychology Club was less reserved. "They've obviously all joined the football team", said the Psychology Club president, "I mean, who could resist? The football team offers the ability to contort yourself into extremely sexual positions with other boys while seeming cool? It's too good to pass up! I mean, how many straight boys would sign up for a club if it involved getting intimately close to attractive girls without any embarrassment?" The Psychology club president was now smiling and breathing heavily. "I mean, like, you know, when a cigar isn't just a cigar!" The reporter then ended the interview for reasons he called "Obvious".


String-Chorus Feud Turns Nasty

October 28th 2011| By J.E.Ditor

Yesterday, an unnamed strings player was found gagged, blindfolded, and stripped naked in the rain in Rockettopia Veteran's Field. The violinist was first found by the football team, but was not reported for over half an hour, while the football team argued about who got to move her off the field. The argument ended with police intervention, but not before three football players sustained severe injuries and had to be hospitalized. Although it is not known for sure who perpetrated this offense, many suspect that the chorus was at fault. "The Chorus is barbaric", said one unnamed cellist, "They'll stop at nothing to win this feud." However, when asked what winning the feud would entail, the cellist was unable to come up with an answer. A spokesman for the string orchestra said that they would get back at the chorus, but did not elaborate on how.