Following the tragic deaths of David Bowie, Alan Rickman, and that guy from the Eagles last week, a group of prominant scientits have published a paper saying that all humans alive today are slowly dying. The paper, published in the New England Journal of Medicine, had over two dozen authors from across the country, in multiple fields. The researchers, with the help of many unsung grad students, sifted through mountains of population and demographic data from the entire history of the human race. Their conclusions from the historical records, coupled with findings from the cutting edge of medical science, led them to conclude that humans eventually die. "The deaths of David Bowie, Alan Rickman, and that other dude may seem surprizing, shocking, or impossible to a normal person," Dr. Simone Diller of the University of Rockettopia told us, "but actually, based on the data we currently have, it was entirely reasonable to predict that those people would eventually die. Sometimes, humans die before one would expect, and sometimes they die after one would expect, but they always eventually die." Seeing our looks of shock, Dr. Diller added, "I'm sorry, I probably should have told you to sit down before I told you that."
When asked if there were any exceptions to the 'humans eventually die' rule, Dr. Diller told us that while they had no hard evidence, "a growing number of researchers are taking a very close look at this man people call 'Kieth Richards'"