In Wake of Celebrity Deaths, New Scientific Study Concludes All Humans Slowly Dying

January 19th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

Following the tragic deaths of David Bowie, Alan Rickman, and that guy from the Eagles last week, a group of prominant scientits have published a paper saying that all humans alive today are slowly dying. The paper, published in the New England Journal of Medicine, had over two dozen authors from across the country, in multiple fields. The researchers, with the help of many unsung grad students, sifted through mountains of population and demographic data from the entire history of the human race. Their conclusions from the historical records, coupled with findings from the cutting edge of medical science, led them to conclude that humans eventually die. "The deaths of David Bowie, Alan Rickman, and that other dude may seem surprizing, shocking, or impossible to a normal person," Dr. Simone Diller of the University of Rockettopia told us, "but actually, based on the data we currently have, it was entirely reasonable to predict that those people would eventually die. Sometimes, humans die before one would expect, and sometimes they die after one would expect, but they always eventually die." Seeing our looks of shock, Dr. Diller added, "I'm sorry, I probably should have told you to sit down before I told you that."

When asked if there were any exceptions to the 'humans eventually die' rule, Dr. Diller told us that while they had no hard evidence, "a growing number of researchers are taking a very close look at this man people call 'Kieth Richards'"


New Marijuana Findings Spur Lack of Change in Drug Policy

February 25th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

A new study on Marijuana and other drugs has policy-makers across the board rushing to not change their views on legalization. The study, which shows that Marijuana is less lethal when it comes to overdoses than pretty much any other drug on the market, has led to a massive number of politicians and demagogues continuing in their respective directions regarding the legalization of marijuana. Those who oppose legalization have simply ignored the study, while those who support legalization continue to ignore the research suggesting that pot has adverse effects on the brain.

When reached for comment, the principal of Rockettopia High School stated that he was actively ignoring the science on marijuana and would continue doing so indefinitely.


European Space Agency Defends Harpooning of Comet by Claiming "Scientific Research"

August 6th 2014| By J.E.Ditor

In a press conference earlier today, top European Space Agency (ESA) officials defended the harpooning of a comet by a ESA craft, claiming that the attack was for "Scientific Research". Rosetta spacecraft is scheduled to fire a harpoon into Comet 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko sometime this November, but as the probe pulled alongside the comet earlier today, the contraversity began to bubble. The ESA officials claim that firing a projectile into the comet to extract a sample is being done for "Science", but critics point out that the agency also stands to make a tidy no profit whatsoever on the mission.

A few dozen protesters gathered outside the NASA research center in Langley, Virginia to protest the attack on the comet. One protester told News from Rockettopia, "Comets are ancient entities that have existed since the solar system began, and every year a few of them are lost forever. NASA should not be aiding in the extinction of Comets in the name of 'research'! They just want to extract the rare chemicals that the Comet contains like H2O and sell them back on Earth. Save the comets! Save the comets!" This went on for some time until a frustrated NASA spokesperson walked out to make a quick press release. "We wish to clarify that the Rosetta mission is strictly for scientific purposes, that it will not harm the comet populations, and that WE HERE AT NASA HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! IT'S THE ESA, YOU MORONS!" He seemed very angry, muttering, "Seriously, where do these idiots come from?" as he stormed off. The demonstrators tell us that they have no intent of leaving until all of space is made safe for comets now and forever.

Although the crowds protesting the harpooning of Comet 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko are relatively small, many on the internet have questioned whether the various "Studies" that the Rosetta mission will perform on the dirty snowball are in any way unethical. These concerns were sparked by a statement from astronomer Karl Battams, who said in an interview, "Pretty much everything you could hope to do on a comet, Rosetta is going to be doing it." Although scientists have refused to elaborate on what the Rosetta lander will be doing to the comet except on their website, on the internet, where anyone can access it, many believe that the mission may violate international norms regarding cruelty to comets. "We haven't figured out yet how to communicate with comets," said one person on the internet who, for some reason, we think is worth mentioning. "Until we do, we don't know if this unnatural 'Rosetta Lander' is violating the comet's desires.

Despite the bad press, the ESA has refused to alter its plans to fire the harpoon into the comet sometime in November, causing absolutely no damage to this majestic inanimate object just to revolutionize our view of the solar system.


Lawsuit-Embroiled Weird Shoe Company Defends Itself; "Our Shoes Protect Against STDs"

May 12th 2014| By J.E.Ditor

After settling a lawsuit claiming that they lied about the health benefits of their shoes, Barefoot Shoe manufacturer Vibram struck back at critics by claiming that their shoes protect against sexually transmitted diseases. Vibram had marketed its strange individual-toed shoes by claiming that the shoes

(1) Strengthen muscles in the feet and lower legs
(2) Improve range of motion in the ankles, feet, and toes
(3) Stimulate neural function important to balance and agility
(4) Eliminate heel lift to align the spine and improve posture
(5) Allow the foot and body to move naturally

But in 2012 Valerie Bezdek sued on a charge of false advertising, pointing out that Vibram had, to quote Bezdek, "Pulled their 'science' out of their ass." After checking with their science department, discovering that it consisted of five dusty mannequins in lab coats, and then checking with their marketing department, Vibram decided to settle with Bezdek and pay 3.75 million dollars to people who have bought their shoes. Wait, what? 3.75 million? Oh. Total. Each person who purchased a pair of FiveFinger and can provide proof-of-purchase shoes will be eligible for a refund of approximately 50$. Vibram will not, however, compensate buyers for the emotional trauma of being mocked by the friends they had remorselessly preached the benefits of FiveFinger to. The judge who ruled in the case is, however, 'leaving open' the option of forcing Vibram to compensate the people who had to listen.

Today, Vibram defended itself from accusation of lying to their customers by responding that although their shoes did not, in fact, promote any kind of foot, leg, or muscle health, the shoes were incredibly effective at protecting against Sexually Transmitted Diseases. "Unlike our previous assertions, which we now regret and never would have made if we had thought someone would check them, science does show that FiveFinger shoes protect against sexually transmitted diseases more effectively than almost any other product on the market." The spokesman then cited a study conducted by Rockettopia University earlier this year that found, in a sample of nearly a million individuals, no instances of contraction of and kind of STDs by people who often wore FiveFinger shoes. The study concluded by stating that, "[T]he data speaks for itself. FiveFinger shoes are incredibly effective at preventing the transmission of Venereal Diseases including but not limited to Gonorrhea, syphilis, and Herpes. The effect of FiveFinger on reducing STD rates equals only that of total sexual abstinence... Oh. I get it now. Maybe I should get rid of these." (Behe 31)


Further reading:


BREAKING: Snow Predicted to End by 2017

February 13th 2014| By J.E.Ditor

(2/13/2014) The National Weather Service just announced today that they predict the current blizzard to end by the year 2017. Snow will likely begin to taper off sometime in late 2015, but heavy snowfall may continue in bursts until mid 2016. By 2017, the NWS guarantees that schools will be able to re-open. The head of the national weather service released a statement from his car, where he is currently trapped, saying, "The delay of all activities for three years due to snow is certainly unfortunate and inconvenient, but on the other hand, we don't have to deal with 2016 election campaigns, so it's a mixed blessing.